Some quick context: I work full-time and live with my elderly parents to help them with household tasks/errands and to help caregive for my invalid mother. We have a private caregiver who is here during the day while I work thankfully, but at the other times the caregiving role falls to me as my father is incapable of helping. (He is physically healthy in general, but pretty unsteady on his feet -- but this bigger problem is that after a minor stroke and with "minor cognitive" issues, his temper flares A LOT and his ability to be kind and helpful and patient is very low).
Too often I am having to intervene between my parents, especially when my dad becomes aggressively mean and says hateful things to my mom, and when my mother criticizes him and pushes his buttons. I admit that I don't always handle these situations very well -- sometimes getting in arguments with my dad, which often ends with him screaming in my face or pushing past me and refusing to talk, or getting frustrated and angry with my mom. With my dad after these interaction, he then misremembers -- either willfully or for real -- the course of these conversations and justifies his behavior and words. I find it really stressful and hard to hear them be so unloving to each other, and I worry that my dad may hurt my mom or me when his temper gets the best of him. And I find it hard when I react badly and don't handle these moments with more loving kindness or compassion.
And, of course, I also feel sad that their relationship has degenerated to the point where it is hard to see any love between them. And it is definitely affecting the way I feel about them, especially my father with whom I used to be very close. This is also complicated by things that I have found out about my dad since moving in with them a few years ago, which is also affecting the way I feel.
Ultimately I do love them, even if I do not like this situation and who we all are in the midst of it, and I do want to help them as best I can. But the stress of being in the midst of this dysfunction -- and the guilt I feel when I contribute to it -- along with caregiving and working and feeling incredibly lonely and stuck (I am single and an only child) is so hard.
I know that I need to find a way to cope with the dysfunction and find a way of mentally separating myself from it in order to still be able to help them but also maintain my mental and physical health, but I don't know how to do that. And I feel awfully stuck in the guilt and resentment, which is an awful way to feel. Any advice or thoughts would be much appreciated. Thank you!
As for you: You are doing A LOT of caregiving. If you are "on call" after working a full day, that can be a lot of work since caregiving is WORK. See if you can get more helpers - family members, friends, members of faith community, and paid helpers (sitters, home health aides...) - to be involved on a weekly basis. The goal is to make sure your needs are met as well as your parents' needs. You'll know you have a good caregiving plan working when you get 7-9 hours of sleep daily, 3 good meals daily, exercise most days of the week, enough time for your doctor appointments and health care, and time to socialize with friends. Do whatever it takes to create this in your own life since you can't give care if you are not physically, mentally, and spiritually healthy.
Irregardless the answer, it isn't now, and likely will only worsen as their dementias deepen and as time goes on. Moreover they will become much more physically needy.
Can you tell me what you plan is moving forward for say the next decade as they deteriorate further? I don't get resentment, because this moving in was your choice. It is difficult enough for several people to live together; add more to the mix and often there is only more dissention. I don't get guilt because you are not a felon. You are a decent person who did what you thought was best, and it is not working out. You aren't a Saint. It isn't required of you that you sacrifice your life, die a gruesome death (as Saints do) and get prayed to for eternity to fix everything for everyone else. You are a human being, who, very likely will not be able to continue in this care.
I would put aside your good intention for having taken this on, and look at the reality. As I said, this won't change. I am not telling you to throw your parents into a Covid-19 positive world now; but ultimately you have choices to make. They are difficult choices for your one and only life. The will be be made without pain, and without tears. The word is GRIEF. Not guilt. There will be enormous grief in this.
I am so very sorry.
It would give you the space and peace of mind to discover what your boundaries are and what you are willing to contribute to your parents’ care. It may give rise to creative solutions. Sounds like you want alternatives to giving all you can to mom & dad until running ragged or placing them in a ft facility.
Watching your parents abuse each other can certainly have a negative effect on your disposition, your moods, your entire life. One question caregivers fail to ask themselves is “what is my caregiving tolerance, how long can I do this without affecting my own health, when do I say I quit”?
Their abuse is something you cannot stand to witness. I know I couldn't those many years ago. Your guilt and resentment is telling you “it's time”. You need to get a social worker involved. Don't let your parents dissuade you. Call you local Area Agency on Aging or your State Dept on Aging and request their help.
You don't need more patience. Your parents are BOTH in need of a higher level of care than can be provided at home.
I am curious how the day time caregiver handles this situation. Does she ignore them fussing at each other? Or do they only fuss in your presence, or only in the evenings?
In your shoes, I would start by talking to their doctor about a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist for dad. He sounds agitated and possibly depressed, not uncommon after a stroke.
Are you seeing a therapist? Talking this situation out with a mental health professional can be enormously helpful in allowing you to see where you need to set boundaries. You sound precariously close to burnout.
My dad is seeing a neuropsychiatrist who referred him recently to a counselor -- however, after two sessions she has had to have a major surgery so he won't have another session for several months and there are no other Medicare options nearby. I definitely think he is depressed -- and I do understand why but it is hard to remember that when we are in the midst of a bad moment.
Thankfully, I am seeing a therapist, which does help -- she is kind and supportive. I just feel like every session is the same, and I feel bad that she keeps hearing the same stories and worries and upsets time after time without me seeming to get any better at dealing with it.
I appreciate your kind words. I do feel very close to burn out, mostly emotionally to be honest, but physically juggling home issues and work issues is also hard.
I understand why they want you to live with them. You help them.
What are you gaining from your living arrangement with them?
Is it worth it to you? If the answer is no, give notice and move out as soon as possible.
I am assuming that they don’t wish to be in a facility. Many others desire to remain at home and end up in a facility for various reasons.
I don’t think that it is a good idea to live with your parents and care for them. You don’t owe them that. You aren’t happy. You deserve to be at peace.
Speak to a social worker to help make a plan for them. The sooner they are settled, the sooner you can move out on your own.
Do you wish to discuss anything else? Vent or ask questions. We are here to offer support, not judgement.
Don’t hesitate to speak to a professional therapist to help sort out your feelings about being a caregiver for your parents.
Best wishes to you.
They definitely don't want to be in a facility, though I recognize that possibility is probably in their future, be it next year or 10 years from now. And I am going to reach out to the community support here to find out more about what that would look like and what help we can get now or in the future.
I guess I struggle with the idea of them going into a facility until its absolutely necessary. As an only child with no family of my own, it feels like this is what I should do -- and I do want to want to do it, if that makes sense, and then feel guilty when I feel resentful and angry and impatient. Despite all the challenges, I do love them and want to do right by them, but I really worry about the affect on me health-wise and for my own future. I will turn 50 next year, and it feels like my opportunities are hemmed in.
If you have any spare time.. do you have any thoughts about the plan once their needs exceed what you & one aide can offer?