i recently placed my mother in a nursing home a week before Christmas, because she fell and i rushed her to the er and thankfully no broken bones or concussions, she had been falling a lot recently and becoming really unstable.that's when i learned she could no longer walk or stand alone by herself. that's also when i made the decision to place her in a nursing home because i could no longer care for her in the ways that she needed. my little brother is the only one that disagrees with my decision. i am extending my care to the best of my knowledge where i have placed her. i have been her care giver for the last few years do to her alzteimers and her declining health, but she has lived with me for 23 yrs and been my best buddy and friend the whole time. everywhere i look i see things of hers, i cant go into her room i keep the door shut, i find myself crying a lot over everything even the little things, i know i have done what is best for her and me, as i am soon to be 59 yrs old and a 2 time cancer survivor as well as a heart failure survivor. its very hard to have watched her disintegrate before my very eyes, my family is very supportive, we keep occupying my time to keep me busy but i still find myself very depressed and crying, i miss her so much! i miss all of the silly things she did that made us laugh and joke, i never thought i could miss her grunts or her fussing. i now know i can go visit her and spend quality time with her that i couldn't before, but it hurts so much when she asks why she cant come home, she even found the phone in her new room and called home and asked why she couldn't come home and it hurt to know she is trying so hard but we cant bring her home. i need some input, help, or guidance on how to coup with this and how to move past the pain and depression.
Your Mom still needs you. Visit her often and try and get her involved in any activities that might be available at her new place. Maybe she'll meet some new people. When she asks you why she can't come home; if you feel like she can fully understand you can tell her that it's because she is getting better care here. Reassure her that you will come and visit often...that you will bring her treats (favorite foods), that you'll take her outside when you can...that you aren't going anywhere. She's going through an adjustment period right now - just like you are, and it's going to take some time. But often what happens, is one day out of the blue, you show up to visit and she might be sitting with a new friend. Stay in close contact with the staff at the nursing home and let them know that you will be very visible and visit often.
For now...be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to feel the emotion. Visit your mom and really, do what you need to do to feel okay.
Your mother still needs you. She needs to see you often. She needs your comfort. She needs to know she has not been abandoned. So even though you are grieving you need to continue caring for her. This is tough. This is one aspect of caring for someone with dementia that doesn't get enough attention and is seldom understood by people who have not been through it. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the strength to go one with your caregiving in spite of your grief.
A therapist who really gets this is Pauline Boss, and I found her book "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia" to be extremely insightful and helpful.
Do come back and let us know how you are doing.