4 years ago my Dad had a 911 event that made it clear it was not safe for him to no longer live by himself in his home as it was 2 story and all the bedrooms and showers were upstairs. He was stressed and didn't know how he would manage considering my mom was already in a board and care facility and he probably would need to sell his home in order to afford it. My wife and I offered for him to live with us until we could figure something out.
Since he was weak after his 911 event, he asked me to open his mail and let him know what were the outstanding bills and he would pay them. It was the first time I had a glimpse of my parents financial situation. I was under the impression that money was tight, but on the contrary their income stream was more than enough to cover care for both of them and they could be together. My mom passed away in 2017, but due to her incredible pension, my Dad still gets my mom's outstanding health & dental benefits and 50% of her pension. He himself gets an above average SS check as well as a small monthly private pension.
I am emotionally burned out and I feel duped letting him into our home 4 years ago when he has plenty of resources to go live his life. There is too much baggage from my childhood and teenage years to deal with him. We were told by social services that since he is a fall risk we cannot leave him alone for days if we want to get away to reenergize. It is stressful for my marriage as my wife is the only one working and I have been unemployed since 2017 after my mom passed away. We are running a monthly negative and I am burning thru my savings I had set aside for retirement.
Early 2018, I presented him with a schedule to get him to look at Assisted Living Facilities both locally and out of state where my sister and her kids live. He said he would need to sell the house to feel more comfortable financially to do this. (From 2015 thru 2017 he lived in our home for free. In early 2018 I started asking him to contribute but it is like pulling teeth to get him to and we usually end up in arguments.)
It took me 9 months to physically clean out his house (hoarders) but we recently sold his home. Needless to say he is still here and hasn't even looked at any of the brochures we had given him.
You’ve had a lot to deal with. Doesn’t sound like he is willing to listen to reason. So. you will just have to spell it out for him.
I do not know legally what it takes to remove a person from your home. Others may know.
We are happy to be here as support or just to listen. We all need to vent sometimes.
However, you are quite articulate in describing your situation. I would say to him exactly what you have said to the forum. If you have said it all before, remind him of that. Tell him that he’s been told before and nothing has changed. You have all the facts. He can’t deny it. He invited you to look at his finances.
He can afford it. You can’t afford to support him and shouldn’t have to even if you could afford if it is no longer your choice to have him live with you. I wish you well. Hugs!
I don't think my mom would have wanted my Dad to be a financial and emotional burden on me and yet here we are with my mom's pension still lining his bank accounts and him living under my roof...
I contacted an AL and they said, yes, they do take people for one month, either a trial period, or a respite for the family. Take him there for lunch first.
Show him how his finances will cover the expense, and for how many years.
There are some facilities that you can buy into, and stay there as you transition from an independent cottage, an AL room, a nursing home, or locked memory care.
It is good that you have reached out, hoping you get the advice you need to take action on your own behalf, and on behalf of your father's best interests.
In the meantime, he is paying 1/3rd of the rent/mortgage?
But if you wait for his permission to start this, or to do any of the actual work, you'll be dead long before he leaves your home.
Dad knows he’s got a great deal!