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She wants to go for drive, go shopping (which ended in embarrassment for the clerk, me, and our companion), and generally be attended to. Calming medication doctor prescribed has no effect. We have no senior daycare facility near me and part time companions are scarce (and expensive)! Her memory erases any learning experiences so it is an ongoing problem of ignoring her and watching her stew! I have had great suggestions on this forum, but none seem applicable to my situation. I have a sister-in-law who helps when I ask but she has her own problems, too. I can't blame anyone for not wanting to visit her because she has no memory of the past and just sits silently and responds to questions with "I don't remember." She can be a little mean too! I have managed to stay calm and understanding so far but it is trying!

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A July question.
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My heart goes out to you, but unfortunately I have no words of advice or wisdom. You are a good man and faithful partner. My father was so much like you and saw to my mother’s needs and selfish desires for years until he died unexpectedly and blessedly three years ago. Ever since then our now 88 year old mother has become the responsibility of us three children, and she is relentless in her demands, especially those demands for constant attention and adoration. We realize now, looking back, she never loved our father nor us. The world has always, and will continue to revolve around her. Yet, we continue to be her dutiful aging children. Her mind and memory are slipping, her anger and resentment rising (from perceived neglect) and paranoia growing. I could go on and on but this is not helping you. Please know that there are people in this world of a kindred spirit and I will pray for you, for all of us, who find ourselves in this challenging and depressing stage of life.
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OP, you say that your wife says “I don't remember you at all, or anything we ever did". ‘She only knows I am her caregiver’. Your profile says that she has “slightly diminished mental and physical capabilities”. I think that you may not be realising that W’s mental capabilities are now a lot more that “slightly diminished’. She says she doesn’t know you, or anything about you and your past life.

If finances make it possible, perhaps you should be thinking about Memory Care. If you could set aside a month to spend a decreasing amount of time in MC, you could make sure that she becomes used to carers there. You could take her to activities there, with occasional shopping trips– she may not realise the shopping drops off and the in-house activities dominate. It seems that she will forget anyway. Do your best to make sure she is happy, but don’t ruin the rest of your own life permanently.
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Arkie, even if your Wife uses words to say she doesn't remember specific occassions, her connection to you is still very strong.

Word finding can be hard. Sometimes it's just easier for the brain to find a short sentence like "I don't know".

You are the memory keeper for two now. ❤️❤️
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"...I have heard that if she was on Medicaid, we might be able to arrange for in-home nursing care. I am about ready to talk to my senior care lawyer to get details."

Please let us know what the lawyer advises you to do.
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Was your wife always on the go like this? If so, may not be much you can do. If it's new-ish and therefore part of her decline, I agree with trying again with meds. There has to be something that will calm her down a bit.

Have you tried giving her busy work? Like folding towels every day? Maybe other household chores that may or may not need to be done but will keep her hands and hopefully mind busy? Polishing the silver?

I would also consider moving together into assisted living. You'll get some help and some company when you go to meals and activities. Choose a place like my mom's AL that has memory care as well so the transition will be easier.

Best of luck.

Good luck!
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OldArkie Jul 2023
AginX100,
She has always had an introverted personality and didn't like making new friends. With her affliction, she can be downright nasty to people. She and I were never especially close, to my disappointment... I'm opposite personality and enjoy people and making new friends. The busy hands method doesn't work. Her attention is so short, she folds a few pieces correctly, wads up a few, then quits. Her reply to everything is "I don't know", "I didn't do it", "I don't know what happened to it". I wouldn't be surprised if some of it is fake, but I don't really think so. Meals are a problem. She never knows what she wants to eat, but if I fix something she doesn't like, she won't eat it! She sometimes forgets how to use a fork, and several other motions with feeding herself. If she picks up a sandwich, she uses only one hand and I have to remind her to use both hands. But with some other things, she is OK. She responds normally if I ask her simple questions, but she can't tune the TV or use the phone properly...she asks ne to make her coffee and then she forgets to drink it. Same with a soft drink or glass of milk.
If she has to go to a nursing home, and I suspect she may sometime... I will remain at home and savor my independence!
Thank you for support and concern!...and a sympathetic ear.
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I KNOW I'll get howled downn for the comparison & I KNOW sentiprs are not toddlers!.. but when my very young child shadowed me all day it was mentally exhusting. Anxiety if I left the room (even to the bathroom) wanting connection, attention, activities provided all day long. What are we doing today?
Thank goodness for day-care! After I learnt the boo-hoo display at the door stopped before I even reached my car, trusted the child was safe, was engaged, occupied & happy, wow.

Opmph. Hit to my gut. Was I a bad Mother? Unable to provide for all her needs? No! The child needed a village now.

I KNOW Arkie there is no adult day-care near you. An aide coming to your home may not necessary work (be available, affordable etc) plus she will still shadow YOU unless you go out.

Longer term, have you got plans?

Is there a MC home nearby? Somewhere your wife could stay Mon-Fri, be occupied, entertained & you brought her home for weekends?
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OldArkie Jul 2023
Beatty; I only wish that could happen. The only facilities we have are hospital and nursing homes,
plus, a poorly staffed Area Agency on Aging. I have heard that if she was on Medicaid, we might be able to arrange for in-home nursing care. I am about ready to talk to my senior care lawyer to get details.
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Have you considered placing her in MC? Do it before it becomes an emergency situation.

She will acclimate better before she becomes totally lost in space.

Might be time to make some hard decisions, she will not get better and you won't get any younger.
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OldArkie Jul 2023
No memory care near enough to use.
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There will come a day sooner than later when you will have no choice but to place her in a memory care facility.
There she will be around other folks like her and the facility will have appropriate activities for her to do to keep her "busy."
It sounds like to me that you're in a bit of denial when it comes to your wife OldArkie. Do you honestly believe that you'll be able to keep this up much longer and do you honestly believe that you can keep her home until she dies?
At this rate you're going to be in the 40% of caregivers who die before the one they're caring for. And then what will happen with your wife?
Please take care of yourself and do what is best for you both.
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OldArkie, you have a problem with very few solutions. No adult daycare, limited family support, scarce paid help.

Your wife wanting to be entertained is a temporary problem. This stage will pass and another stage, most likely worse, will take its place.

Think long term. Have you considered relocating to where services and support are available?. Eventually, you won't be able to do all the things you are doing right now for yourself and your wife and you will need help.

Back to your current and temporary problem, wife wanting to be entertained, if you have considered all the suggestions you received from your previous thread and none of them would work, then you only have two options. One is to continue enduring her nagging, and gnoring her requests. I suspect you are getting very good at this by now. Two is to ask her doctor for stronger calming med. If the med makes her sleep more, less active and zombie-like, so be it. Your sanity and survival are much more important.
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OldArkie Jul 2023
Polarbear:
After a particularly trying several days, I came back to re-read comments. Yours are especially inciteful, as though you had been there! Moving to another location is beyond my financial ability, and I would lose what little support and companionship I get from my few family members. (In-laws... my son and wife are for some reason, oblivious to my problems). We sit in front of the TV all day with very little communication and NO emotion. Several times she will announce, "let's go get something to eat". She really just wants to go for a drive and I take her a couple times a day but as a result, I get very little of my housekeeping obligations done. She is at the minute insisting I tell her what I am writing about.
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Meds are trial and error sometimes. It may take a few tries to get a med and its dose right. Ask the doctor about a different dose or med.
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Have you discussed with the prescribing doc the fact that the meds haven't helped?

She may need an additional med, a higher dose or a different class of drugs altogether.

I seem to recall you were hesitant about medication.
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https://www.agingcare.com/questions/ad-wife-wants-to-go-for-a-ride-often-she-is-constantly-restless-how-have-others-dealt-with-this-requ-481051.htm

So sorry your problem seems to be continuing. Is she seeing a Neurologists? Meds can be hit and miss. Maybe the one she is being given doesn't work for her. Maybe another one will help.
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Perhaps consider discussing with her provider and having meds adjusted? Sometimes it takes multiple tries to find the right combination.
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This is called "shadowing", and you can look it up. At some point, and for your own good, it may be necessary to place your beloved wife in care. This is very unlikely to get better, though it cannot be predicted as different stages often have different behaviors.

I am so sorry you are going through this.
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OldArkie Jul 2023
Today, while on our daily excursion, I drove by a swimming hole where we often went while dating, and asked if she remembered it. She said no, nothing about it! I asked if she remembered anything we did while dating, or when we got married, or anything we did during our marriage and raising a son. She said "I don't remember you at all, or anything we ever did". She only knows I am her caregiver, the only person she really knows, and when I am gone, she is very insecure till I return. That was somewhat disheartening to me and made me feel even more alone.
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