My 86 y/oMom with Alzheimer's has been told by us not to open the door if she is alone for even a little while during day. But, she does. Her 85 y/o girlfriend can't understand this and keeps coming to see Mom whenever she wants. I have asked her to come after my brother gets home after 4pm or let me know when she wants to come so I can make sure to be there and stay. Both have ambulatory issues and I can't have both of them fall since both are wobbly even with their walkers. I am upset with her friend since she keeps 'doing what she wants' and ignores these safety issues and concerns that I have. Neither one can help the other if one or both fall...I have even suggested to have several of her friends come over for a little planned gathering or coffee/lunch get together but that hasn't happened either. I think I may have solved the problem and having keyed deadbolts installed on front door since the door lock has only a little thumb lock on it. I am worried that the day would come that Mom thinks it is her girlfriend but it isn't, that it is a stranger. I am only looking out for Mom, and her girlfriend safety.....but, they think I am being a bad and controlling person. Is hurtful. I'm sure they dont understand; I am looking for suggestions on other ways to possibly work with this situation. Please :)
Sorry, but you are being controlling and over zealous.
They are in their 80's, home alone and want to spend private (otherwise lonely) time together.
Your mom and her friend are grown women, please respect their choice to be together.
What if there is a fire and your mom burns to death? This is as great of a risk as her opening the door to find a malicious stranger on the other side. Only in the fire you would be prosecuted for her death because you had her falsely imprisoned.
Mum lives with your brother.
Your brother works until 4 pm each day.
You live somewhere else? It is not clear from your post or profile.
Mum, who is a fall risk, is left alone during the day, while brother is at work.
Mum and her friend like to visit during the day.
You do not want Mum opening the door for safety reasons.
You do not want the friend visiting if you or your brother are not there to supervise.
If I have a fairly accurate read on the situation, it does not sound like Mum should be left alone during the day. If she is a fall risk, she would be safer if her friend was visiting at the time, as the friend could call for help.
There are safety concerns if Mum is not allowed to open the door. In our family we had an incident about 10 years ago. We had an unexpected flood in our town and emergency services were dispatched to knock on the doors of every home in the path of the floor, telling them to evacuate. They were in uniform and had ID. My paranoid former mil refused to answer her door. She also refuses to answer her phone. She hid in her house.
We had to leave work an hour a way, when we heard the news and go pick her up. Luckily the flood waters had not yet reached her home.
What would happen to your Mum if there was a similar emergency situation?
Do not use a keyed deadbolt, they are incredibly dangerous in an emergency situation. If the key cannot be found it can lead to disaster.
You need to find another way to address your concerns about Mum falling.
https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/home-care/info-2017/dementia-home-safety.html
You can't explain anything to a person with dementia & expect them to understand the words or remember them at all. You can write a sign the size of a billboard telling them to do, or not to do, something and STILL it won't matter because they won't think to read the sign. And if they do, it won't make sense.
Now that you have a crash course in dementia 101, when you go run an errand, even if it's picking up an Rx or an item for your mom, you are still out of the house. Meaning your mother is still alone for X amount of time. Not a very long time, but still alone for a period of time. That's not to say you are a bad care giver or that you do not love your mother and that you wouldn't lay your life on the line for her. It is to say, only, that she IS alone for X amount of time on any given day. That's a fact. With dementia in play, any number of things can happen when a person is alone even for a short period; that is a greater danger than a fall or opening the door to a potential stranger.
It's also a fact that if you install the keyed deadbolt locks you mention on the doors that can be a fire hazard, or present a safety hazard that is more dangerous than the the threat of her opening the door to a stranger. You may want to install non-keyed deadbolts high up on the doors, out of her reach, which would be a better idea.
Nobody is trying to call you a bad daughter or anything like that. Just trying to make you aware of a few things you may not have been aware of before now. Having someone tell you that 'dead slots' are a good idea and that what you are doing is correct in an effort to make you feel better isn't the right answer either............allow the facts to prevail, not emotions. Use your head and not your heart when formulating a plan to keep your beloved mom safe. That's all we're trying to tell you.
Best of luck
If, on the other hand, she (or her friend) is waiting for her opportunity to get into mischief while you are away and have repeatedly done so in the past you really can't leave her alone, not even for a few minutes.
I know its hard dealing with a person with a Dementia. But there comes a time when they can no longer be alone. Your Mom does not retain what you say to her.
Read your post, nobody over reacted, we responded to what you said. You can't get upset when you only provide some information.