How do I keep my extended family updated with my mom in a nursing home?
My mother has dementia and resides in a nursing home near me. I am an only child, the point of contact for the facility, and am POA for health and finances.
Mom was close to one of her sisters(my aunt). I update this aunt every week on how mom is doing- details about health, activities, and an anecdote or two and answer questions as they come up. I prefer to do this by email as talking to this person is difficult for me… she questions everything about the facility and always has negative things to say, strongly implying that she is the only one who worries, etc. Even though it’s not true, it really hurts me. in their culture they are against having paid care for elders so there is definitely tension between us.
As much as id like to brush it off it really gets to me.
The care center has indicated they prefer to have one point of contact. I’m inclined to honor their preference for several reasons. When my aunt does speak with them she is pretty pushy and nurses have noted she “tries to tell them how to do their job.”
The aunt wants to be able to talk to staff directly for health updates. She is frustrated that mom isn’t communicative herself. I have pointed out that I am providing a full account and answer questions as they come up.
I know every family is different but what is a reasonable expectation for updates? I can understand her frustration with the situation but I feel that any amount of communication I provide won’t be enough.
6 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- When should I tell my dad he can't go live at home anymore?
- I am getting anxiety attacks every time I speak to my Mum who has been in a care home for 3 weeks. How can I manage my own reaction better?
- My mother was emotionally negligent in raising my brother and I as children. Now in her mid 80s she wants this close relationship. Any advice?
- My elderly mother has always been a negative person but is becoming more negative and critical of everyone including her two close friends. Any advice?
To be honest, you are under no obligation to tell Aunt anything. You are Moms representative. If Mom would not have given her sister information, then you should not either. Like said, Moms 1 yr anniversary is coming up. Maybe time to cut back on those updates. Maybe start with every two weeks, 3 wks and then monthly.
May want to send an email that you will be cutting back on updates since Mom is doing so well in the AL now. Apologize that the staff is not allowed to give her information, explaining it's actually a HIPPA law. Not only the AL but all facilities and Hospitals want to deal with only one person and that person relays the info to other family members. That person usually holds the POA or is a close family member as a spouse or a child. You will keep her updated on any changes in Mom.
I find photos helpful or short videos to give updates on my DH aunt.
It is a fine balance caring for our elders. Some have no one checking on them. Could it be that aunt is grieving the loss of her sister? Perhaps you might call one of the cousins and let them know to check in on aunt. Perhaps you and mom could call aunt on her BD? Any small thing to help her accept this loss and to trust that you are caring for her sister now and need her to accept that.
I have a niece to my DH aunt who is the nosy Nellie for me so I do understand how annoying it can be.
Confirm with the facility that they are to give no information to anyone that calls.
I might even go as far as saying no visiting unless it is supervised, and in common area of the facility.
There is a website called CaringBridge you can keep friends and family updated through CaringBridge and they communicate to you through the same site. In this way you just have to communicate what you want and no more multiple emails need to be sent out if you are communicating with several people.
Remind Auntie about BOUNDARIES. Facility staff is over worked, understaffed enough that they do not have time to manage phone calls for every resident.