How do I keep myself from going mad?
My mom, who has been back home for 3 weeks with 24/7 care after a stroke, calls me 20 times a day (though I block the calls while I'm at work) telling me she needs me to cancel the aides because she doesn't need them. NO amount of reasoning or logic gets through to her. I feel just terrible for her, because she lives in a small apartment and it is very claustrophobic with an aide there 24/7 but there is no other option. She was twice as miserable in the SNF. I just called her and screamed and sobbed and told her there's nothing I can do about the fact that she had a stroke and that she needs care. She cannot hear it or accept it as reality and insists that I need to tell the aides not to come. Today I started sobbing and screaming and told her to shut the f*ck up and hung up on her. Of course I feel terrible, but I am losing my own mind due to all this and other stuff in my life. Her boyfriend and I visit and take her out 2-4 times a week. She has TV but won't watch it.
Otherwise you die first.
If you ever find yourself getting to the point of yelling, just hang up or walk away. We all get angry, but showing it makes both them and us feel bad. I absolutely hate myself when I yell at my mother, even if she needs yelling at sometimes. Hanging up or walking away to cool down is much better. When it comes to yelling at them, don't do it. You can stop yourself.
Or many of us here have imaginary helmets that we wear for when we need to bang our head against the wall. That reminds me, I need to clean my helmet and paint that wall !!
Some of us have found "agreeing" with our parent can help if you think they won't remember that the next day. That way, they feel better, and you feel better [win-win]. "Yes, Mom, we will let the Aides go next week" [but you don't].
My Mom [late 90's] was also very stubborn. Her doctor insisted she have caregivers around the clock as there was no way my Dad [in his 90's] could take care of her. When I brought Mom home from the hospital she was running around like she never was in the hospital [she had a major fall and had a brain bleed], wow talk about a fast recovery. On the 3rd day the caregivers left as Mom was being very insulting.
I've gotten angry on the phone, too, with my parents, especially my Dad who was trying to guilt me into driving them, he would say he would start driving again. That was a big panic button with me. It wasn't until Mom had passed that I realized it probably was my Mom chewing on his ear about needing to be driven somewhere.
You wrote that you and your Mom's boyfriend take her out 2 to 4 times a week. You need to cut that back. If the boyfriend wants to take her out, then let him... if he doesn't drive, then he can hire a taxi. Your Mom needs to settle into her new "norm" until she gets better.
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