My father, 97, lives alone and has never given POA to anyone. He is in good physical health, but has dementia. I am seeking legal guardianship in order to better care for him- hiring caregivers, house cleaners, and ultimately to be able to make healthcare decisions for him. I have opted to be the one to tell him about the upcoming legal proceedings. Has anyone been through this? What is the kindest way to approach it? Any advice on how to word it so as to help him receive it better? Thank you!
When i noticed my mom's condition was worsening i decided to seek for legal advise and quickly found out that not all lawyers are suited to present POAs'. You see there are different personalities. And if mom percieves a person as nongrata during her moment of lucidness. That she won't forget. So, i visited my lawyer with my mom after mentioning his name during many short conversations. And, as expected, she forgot. But, i continued to mention my lawyers name in a friendly way until i asked her if she would like to meet my lawyer friend. By then, this lawyer and i became friends because of his circumstances with his mom. To my surprise she agreed.
That first time he introduced himself he talked to my mom about his mom and how he did everything within his possibilities to accomodate her and protect her from unforeseen circumstances. He actually put himself in my shoes and she in turn became aquainted with demeanor. At first, i thought she would simply forget the conversation, But, then she looked at me and said that i was all she had and that there was nobody else. That i should do the same thing he did. When my lawyer heard that, he asked her if she would agree to give me POA over her wellbeing. And she agreed.
This may seem like a long story. But, finding the right lawyer takes time and perserverance. It's like finding the right surgeon. I hope this helps some of you.
You're approaching it, naturally enough, as though the only problem might be his hurt or angry feelings. But you've yet to establish that a) guardianship is in his best interests; and b) you are the right person to be his guardian. If you haven't explained clearly what is happening, with due tact and kindness for sure but clarity is the thing, you're going to run into trouble. Don't make any assumptions.
It might be better after all to ask an experienced lawyer to do this job for or at least with you.
It is the COURT that will decide whether or not guardianship is the best way to serve your father. The judge may not agree that it's necessary. Or, the judge may agree that it is necessary but that you are not the best choice of guardian. Or, the judge may tell you all to go away and work out the POA. Or, the judge may approve your application exactly as you hope, and perhaps pat you on the head for taking prompt and conscientious action. It all depends. One way of gaining the judge's approval, though, is to pay the closest possible attention to the ethics of what you're doing.
What the court will not do is listen to you and not care what your father has to say about things solely on the grounds that you and his doctor say he's demented.
And if you put yourself in your father's position for a moment, you will see that it is just as well that courts prefer to judge these things for themselves. How would you like it if other people pronounced you barmy and were able on their own say-so to take over your entire life?
Your father will receive notice from the court about the proceedings. If he is unable to understand the information, and/or ignores it, the court will still want to know why he is not either there himself or represented by his own advocate. This could be a lawyer, or it could be a guardian ad litem.
Has your lawyer suggested, perhaps, that it might be a good idea to find independent legal counsel for your father? The important thing is that your father is represented by someone who has no other client. It doesn't mean you can't have a good working relationship with them, because at the end of the day *everybody* wants your father to be well-supported and happy, but you want somebody there whose only job is to speak on your father's behalf.
Um. I don't know your father. He could be howling at the moon for all I know. But on the not making assumptions point, with your father being resistant and then forgetful during discussions about POA, I think you would be wise to consider just the possibility that it's not so much he doesn't understand, as that he doesn't agree and doesn't care to talk about it.
He said what your father says, “I will ask for help when I need it, not when you say I need it. “
Here is what we had to do. We had to let him fail. What that meant, was only going to take him to the store every two weeks. Letting him make doctor appointments, and using the senior shuttle to go to them. He was not capable of doing this.
Not cleaning his apartment-he didn’t want anyone to touch his stuff anyhow.
He refused in-home help from anyone, even his kids. He refused any help for anything. He was furious that doctors diagnosed him with dementia.
Well, very quickly things went downhill, and we got guardianship after many incidents.
How to tell him what you are doing? We did not tell him until he was diagnosed as not having the capacity to handle his decisions.
We did not tell him until we had to.
I finally told him we were seeking guardianship because we loved him and wanted his life to be less complicated. That we were really afraid for his safety and others safety. I told him I was on his side.
I asked him,” If we don’t do this, the state will, as APS has been called three times by your neighbor’s. Wouldn’t you rather have someone that loves you and will watch out for you be your guardian? “
He got very agitated, but he did not remember it a few days later. He is not angry at anyone now-he still thinks he is in charge. He is safe and clean and not hallucinating or afraid now.
There is that little kid in all of us that goes through this. We have not been “in charge” of our parents. But our parents did not have dementia when we were growing up. Now they need our love and help to live their last years under our protection and love. It means doing what we feel is right, as they have a damaged brain and are not capable of managing.
Hugs to you-you know him, you love him, you will do what is best for him.
I told my dad that it was about being able to make sure that if something happens to him I will be able to ensure that his wishes are fulfilled. Without DPOA his future would be in the hands of complete strangers that could care less about his desires.
Then I told him what happened when he was in the hospital near death. A hospitalist actually said that my dad requested a DNR, this was added to his chart and because I had no authority (POA/Guardian) I could not get it removed, so that was what made him realize that he could be dead if I didn't have the authority to speak for him. It was never removed but I fought tooth and nail to make sure he got good care, he would have died had I not been willing to raise the roof. It is frightening that you bring someone that is so sick to a hospital and a "Dr." In private, no witnesses says that this person said no resuscitation and it sticks.
Perhaps telling him my story will help him understand that it is really about ensuring his safety and wishes.
I aged 10 years in the 10 days he was so near death and I had to fight tooth and nail to make sure he was being treated medically and not just being allowed to die. There were no heroic measures taken, just good medical care. He lived and is now enjoying some quality life.
Hugs 2 u and dad, this is a hard situation to be in.
Will Dad understand what you are saying? Or forget it within a few minutes or the next day. If yes to what I have said, then I wouldn't say anything.
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