Mom and dad are 91 and married 71 yrs. Both have progressive and different forms of dementia. They lived rather independently with my sisters and my help until this past year. Dad having health issues and was just discharged from hospital to rehab. He's not doing well. They tell us he's in failure to thrive and and now has pneumonia. I don't think he has a good prognosis. Mom doesn't understand. She can't remember where he is and why. Every minute we have to explain to her. We see her failing now too. Have no idea how we should tell her or if we should. Do we continue to let her believe he's just in the hospital for ever even if he passes?? If he passes, she will probably lose the will to live and we'll lose her too. Thoughts???
my mom has dementia. but she knew he passed. he had a very small funeral service and she attended. i wrote his obit and picked out his picture to use. i tried to include my mom with some decisions. even if she didn't remember later that i had asked.
if she ever asked i would tell her, Mom, he was old and tired. He was such a good dad. you had so many good years. I miss him a lot, but his time just came. i always tell my mom we all have expiration dates.
your mom may be stronger than you think when he dies. ive seen a lot tho where couples who have been married a long time...die within a short time of each other.
i made a wall of pics for my dad in my moms assisted living apartment. one is an enlarged picture (the funeral home had made from a regular camera pic.) I framed it and put it over the couch. plus the military flag he got from the VA. i bought a rectangular box frame i found at walmart. plus i framed his obit from the newspaper.
NOT to be mean, but i also removed ALL my dads personal items - clothing, shoes etc from her closet. so she didn't get confused. i got rid of his easy chair(was dirty) and bought her some new furniture.
you know your mom best, so it will be up to you what you end up being most comfortable with telling her. At this point in my moms situation i am comfortable telling her the truth. Maybe down the road if she starts getting 'mental'...and she started asking where he was, i may have to figure out some 'story' to tell her. either that i will very kindly tell her: mom he went to heaven remember?
As I noted in another post here, our mother (95) is focused on HER mother - I know from past dealings with mom that telling her something that goes against her "reality" results in arguing the issue or clamming up... she cannot handle the truth. So, I do whatever I can to deflect questions/requests to visit...
It was sad to lose her so soon after Grandpa, but it was terrible to see how lost she was. They had been married about 65 years.
My sibling and I both decided to not tell dad, our mom passed. A CNA decided different after we had talked to nursing staff. I was livid.
If you feel the need to tell her do it once. If she has dementia and asks every other day, your devistating her over and over likes it's the first time. Why would that ever be helpful? I personally think it is cruel.
He's resting, he's fine, he's napping, etc. Usually suffices. Over time she will stop asking. Why make her horribly miserable when it's not neccesary? They are like children. You shield them from hurtful things because you care. Let her live out her remaining days in peace and love. It is hard enuff with failing health.
It was very hard for me to start "lying" to my mom. But when I realized that she would forget everything I said in five minutes anyway, it became easier. You tell her what she wants to hear.
He is fine. He is napping. He ate well today. He is coming to visit tomorrow.
This is no longer lying. With dementia, all the rules change. You are helping her through a horrible chapter of life the way she can handle it.
Make sure your sister reads these posts!!!!!!!!!!!
Therapeutic fibs are best. My mom, even if she could have verbalized her emotions, missed him terribly. Somewhere in her brain she knew something was wrong.
What should you tell mom? Therapeutic fibs, redirect, distract. You cannot explain or reason with dementia.
But, they only need to hear it once.
If, with dementia, they forget that someone died, to be told again, day after day that their loved one is dead is causing acute suffering over and over and over.
Can you imagine the pain felt with this new news heard each time?
So, after the initial sharing of the news, deflection, distraction when asked about their loved one.
Best wishes
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