Last night I was relaxed and unwinding in my living room with my mom and the doorbell rings and knocks loudly, it's mom's friend calling out her name to answer the door! I know she was fibbing when she asked her, "Did you call me? My phone AND my cell phone are both not working and I just wanted to let you know." I think that was an excuse to pop in and stop by unannounced. She was here nearly 2 hours. I intervened by pretending mom had an important phone call to take. I think her friend is lonely and it has become a habit to just pop over at any time. How to handle this?
Some people honestly don’t mind drop in visitors and others do. People should do whatever works for them.
A couple of our cousins dropped in on us from time to time and mom was glad to see them. I didn’t mind because they were pleasant women to be around.
Occasionally, my cousins even told me that if I needed to run errands that they would be glad to stay with mom while I was gone. I took them up on their offer.
Since you prefer someone to call first, then this should be respected by your mom’s friend.
This woman doesn’t seem to pick up on social cues very well. I wouldn’t enjoy being around a ‘Debbie Downer’ either.
Since her negative comments are upsetting to your mom, you might try to change the topic when she visits. With her personality though, she may not understand why you would want to change the topic.
You could say, “Let’s not discuss this, it’s such an unpleasant topic.” Do you think that your mom would appreciate you guiding her friend in a different direction or would she be upset by it?
It can be draining to hear unpleasant news repeatedly.
I had to tell a friend not long ago that I was aware of things that were going on in the world but that I needed a break from it and could not speak about these things every time that we got together.
I felt like I was watching a hour of news every time I met my friend for coffee! She didn’t know how to limit these unpleasant conversations. I found myself getting anxious around her.
I am glad that this woman doesn’t drop in very often since her views are so different from yours and your mom’s views.
Speak plainly but kindly to this friend that you do not allow visitors to "pop" by your house uninvited. If she wants to visit your mother then she literally has to speak to you or your mother on the phone.
No leaving a voicemail then coming by. No saying she called when you both know she didn't.
If she doesn't get invited over by you or your mother, she is not to come by.
I too, would not want someone just dropping in after just getting home from work, making dinner and finally sitting down. Seems to me Mom feels the same way. Glad she got the hint.
This seems to be the first visit in three weeks, since your first post about it. That is hardly being clingy, an imposition, or showing evidence of mental instability. You say “it is upsetting the both of us”, but I wonder if M is upset at your reaction, rather than at the visits? Who else visits your mother? Surely it’s not just you and her all the time?
If your Mom is happy to see the friend, then let it continue to happen and you need to be able to find another activity that you can do by yourself.
If your Mom is not happy to see the friend, then get up the guts to discuss some parameters of when she can visit. Your Mom should deliver the guidelines to her friend.
Don’t get annoyed because someone says that they don’t mind if the place is in a mess. That’s exactly what I would say. A visitor can’t expect ‘showplace’, whether or not they call first. And you can say “I going to have to ask you to leave in a few minutes, because we need to blah blah blah’, without it being said in (suppressed) anger. There are far more regrets on this site that people DON’T visit, than that visits annoy the carer. See if you can look at it all differently.
Yes, people used to just stop in, but that does not happen now.
I have a rule, no phone calls after 8, nine for sure. No calls, no visits. Friends are my age, 74, and usually are down for the night after dinner. Yes, people who do what this friend does are very sensitive. I see no problem when she shows up to tell her no visiting after a certain hour, please. Be honest, after having a busy day and after eating dinner and cleaning up, all you want is to watch TV with Mom and relax. Every time she comes over after the time u have set, remind her, not time for visiting. If she continues, then I would call a family member and tell them what you have noticed and that she is not honoring your boundaries.
This woman is in her early 60s. She should have other friends.
There may be other options, like for the lady to call in advance, requests for visits only in certain hours, a separate place for visits (eg in the kitchen). Or having a dressing gown to grab if there is an unexpected ring at the door.
If this is the case, no amount of door notes or explanations is going to help her since she may not be able to remember what was discussed. If you happen to know anyone who is also connected to her (family, church, etc) I would let them know about this behavior so that this woman's family can get a complete picture of what's going on and then decide what to do.
IMO "loneliness" doesn't cause normal people to suddenly lose their ability to be polite or respect boundaries. If your Mom would rather not get her calls you can certainly intervene to put a limit on those. It's apparent this friend has lost her sense of time, also a feature of early dementia. If this woman shows up at the door again, maybe ask if she has family in town or is a member of church and get her on their radar -- because you won't be able to control her if she's cognitively impaired. Maybe even report her to APS if you know where she lives.
Or, she could be bipolar.
We don't want to be rude, but people who have never had a caregiving issue don't get it. I concluded that asking them to leave isn't being rude at all - it's self-preservation and education of the visitors.
Long ago it was people who wanted stop by and "see the new baby." Then they'd stay for two hours. That's very hard on a new mom.
it’s starting to make sense. She has no boundaries, so of course she doesn’t expect ME to have boundaries around my time and life.
Once upon a time, people used to drop in on each other all the time.
You stand at the door and you say "No, Mom did not call you". "Mom and I are relaxing now and don't wish to have company".
Honesty is ALWAYS best.
Honesty is always EASY.
If this occurs as many as three times, or if Mom says that this is occurring more than she would like then you will have to give your phone number to this person and request a call to you before visiting, and that if she cannot reach you and is truly concerned she should call the local police for a wellness check. As you can imagine, more than a few calls would result in her being stopped by the police themselves.
You can also try hanging a sign on the door: "We are relaxing. NO VISITORS at this time, please." You can put a notepad and pencil there with a little box to leave a message.