I do not exactly know what I am expecting posting this question but how the hell do you manage caregiving and marriage?
My husband and I have been caring for his mother with dementia for 10 years. He will be 36 next year and I will be 35 next year. I hate what our lives have become. I have grown to resent my friends and family for having lives while I feel stuck. To go on a simple week long vacation we have pay around 4k because the only place that will take her for respite care is a high end luxury facility in New York.
We have tried marriage counseling but that is short lived because everyone wants to frame me like I am some monster because I hate his MIL for what her and this disease has done to our lives. I get my husband is trying to do the right thing cause yes his mother would not last a year in a basic facility she is far too high maintenance. She behaves like she thinks she is royalty. Everything has to be done a certain way or she baby rages.
My husband does his fair share but it sucks watching him try because his mother treats him poorly because in her head her son and I are out living our best lives. So he views him as just some stranger that her son is paying for to take care of her.
After 10 years I am at a breaking point. I love my husband and do not want to leave him. He is also right if he just did what is most convenient instead of what was generally the best he would not be the person I loved. His mother is doing well and very healthy outside of her dementia. She still has friends and gets plenty of engagement with her community and social interactions thanks to the efforts of my husband.
Things have gotten worse because I refuse to pretend everything is okay. I tell her every day I hate her. My husband gets annoyed because it does make things awkward because all she wants is to be around me, and she largely ignores him. I wish I could give him whatever she sees in me to him because he wants that relationship with his mother. He still tries to find ways to get his mother back and here is am wishing for her to die because she has made the last 10 years a living hell. I feel caregiving has killed a part of my very soul. I do not even recognize myself in the mirror I feel so hateful and bitter.
My husband is a fair and great man but I hate that he loves his mother so much. I know if he had the money he would place her in the place we put her for respite in a heartbeat we just cannot afford it room and board start at 14k that is not counting care.
My husband refuses to place her in a place he would not feel comfortable living in himself which I get. I did not sign up for this but I figured I could do it, and I did do it. Maybe it is just hormones or what talking because I saw my life vastly different from what it is now. Figured we would have two kids and a house. My husband gave up his dream job to for a job he hates because it pays more.
Sorry for the rant I just hate what it has done to my life and swear if the system cannot provide better for those that did not prepare as a means to punish them for not. That is messed up because it also impacts those that get stuck with the illusion of choice between caring for a parent and watching them suffer. I get it he made his choice but it is not much of a choice.
It is difficult to fathom that you would choose to remain in your current situation unless/until major changes are made. However, every individual's situation is different, and the choices are yours to make. The first step is to be very aware that there are OPTIONS. There are CHOICES. You are NOT an indentured servant.
You have already surrendered 10 years of your youth, but at 35 you still have a lot left. MIL has effectively run your household, although it is NOT (or should not be) hers to run. IMO, placement needs to be a consideration. When/if the time comes that my husband (94) and I can no longer "do" for ourselves, we will need home care or placement in a facility we can afford. Our adult "children" are in their 60s and work F/T. They are not our ultimate old age care plan. Question: had MIL been diagnosed with dementia at 62 when she moved in with you?
It's terrific (for her) that your very demanding MIL has church friends to socialize with, but the role of the church should NOT be to support her while relegating you to a subservient position. The stance of many religions on the treatment of women is a major reason why I walked away when I was 18, and I have never looked back. If your "great" husband continues to revere mom and religion over you, his wife, that would be a deal breaker (for me).
You and your hub are not responsible to provide for all mil's "wants" nor for her happiness. Caregivers provide for "needs" such as food, shelter, cleanliness, but not necessarily "wants" like extremely expensive respite. And certainly not "wants "at the expense of the caregivers' mental and physical health, financial security, and marriage.
This has gone on too long, You need to set some boundaries for yourself as to what is and what is not acceptable to you. You can't change your husband, you can't change your mil, but you can change yourself. Often when one person in a relationship changes, others do too, but not always. You set boundaries to make your life better for you under the circumstances you are in,
When you wrote "I want more time with my husband", that was a cry from your heart. Let him know that you want, in fact, need, more time with him for your relationship to be healthy. See if the two of you can work that out. If he cannot or will not respond to your need, you have to set consequences
In my view, a fair and great man. attends to his wife's needs before he attends to his mother's wants.
State your feelings with "I" statements, state your needs with "I" statements. State the consequences with "I" statements.
"JIm, with all this caregiving, I am missing relaxing time with you and us doing things together. The last 10 years have been very hard on me and have not been how I pictured our lives. I need more time with you doing things together apat from caring for your mother. If we can't find more time for us together. I will have to go out by myself and with friends for some relaxation. It's not what I would prefer, but I need to be doing more outside of looking after your mother."
or words to that effect.
There is a book often recommended here called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. I suggest that you read it and apply at least some of it to your life. Not all churches/faiths support putting a parent before a spouse.
If your husband manipulates couples counselling to his preferences, then you could find someone for yourself and go alone. You can get support for you and your needs.
Wishing you all the best. It's not rare to see adult children sacrificing themselves, their dreams and their marriages on the altar of caregiving a parent, but it will never be the right choice.
His wife has needs.
His mom has wants.
He has ignored his wife’s needs in favor of his mom’s wants and that is not ok
I sure hope we have given OP some good talking points.
Where in the Bible does it say it is OK for a couple to take marriage vows, then the husband brings his elderly Mother into their home to basically take over?
You are sacrificing your prime years to babysit a classic Senior Brat?
Two is company, three is a CROWD.
What happened to Mom's husband? Where is he? Why did she move in at 65 with newlyweds?
I would see a lawyer tomorrow. You've wasted 10 years already, gotten nowhere, no children, no happiness, vacations, or romance...just Mom the Brat running the show...IN YOUR HOME.
Better make sure you get your share of the marital assets, and get out of there pronto. Life is too short for this ridiculous arrangement.
This guy isn't a husband, he's a Mommy's Boy. He'll never get another woman to tolerate this crap at all. You can do so much better.
You won't get that 10 years back. Get a divorce, get your fair share and move on! Be glad you didn't have children with this fool. He is useless and hopeless to you right now. No counseling or church advice matters. He's not honoring his vows, so get out and move on!
He needs to make some major changes to his attitude if this marriage is to survive! Perhaps that’s your answer?
That is such a meaningless throw away comment from him. It’s really kind of silly now that you pointed it out.
I'm saying I don't feel like I want to give you an opinion on it either way, because this is one thread, one side of a story. Unless there is abuse I never give an opinion.
There is definitely neglect from your husband to put his mom before your marriage. That I do not disagree with at all.
But I don't want you to be swayed by a group, that do not know you, have never met you.
I wish for you to do what's best for YOU.
Maybe leaving is best for you, maybe things can work out.
I do not know, only you know. If this forum gives you the strength to leave and do what's best for you, that's awesome.
I'm just saying I'm neutral and not voicing an opinion.
My oh my. What I get the most in reading that is sadness that YOU have been lost in all of these opinions.
The fact of the matter for your mother is that many times, no one wants to put an elder in a home, but when it becomes unsafe physically or mentally for the patient OR the caregiver, decisions have to be made.
It does come across as misogyny that your family talks about how your husband is a “great man” while ignoring what you are going through. How your family and your husband expect you to live on crumbs. They. Are. Wrong.
YOU ARE A PERSON DESERVING OF LOVE and it’s OK for you to have needs that you want fulfilled. As a wife. As a woman. As a person.
You matter and you are getting lost in all of this.
I support you in whatever you want to do.