Just wanted to say hello to everyone and see how everyone is doing. The holidays are upon us and holidays can be stressful along with being a caregiver or whatever role you play in your loved one's life. My situation is still pretty much the same. We still do not have discharge date for my dad but I have lined up day and nighttime help when that does happen. I'm just trying take every hurdle as it comes and trying not to let it break me. He still insists that he does not need help but deep down he knows he does and on the surface he knows he expects me to do it all but that is not going to be the case. We had a huge argument a couple of weeks ago and I basically told him exactly how I felt. I did not go to visit him the next day because I just could not take it. It is like coming out of the storm and then continually going back to get wet again so I stayed home nice and dry ( I hope that made sense ). I encourage those of you are dealing with difficulties while care giving to THINK ABOUT YOURSELF. This is not selfish .. it is necessary. Wishing all of you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I pray that the new year will bring us all joy and peace of mind!
I did not have a great relationship with my dad growing up. Mostly memories of him being a stern disciplinarian, always angry, and always setting people straight. When he stepped up big time after mom had a stroke, I saw a side of him I never expected to see. He handled things I find difficult. For years I only spoke to mom on the phone, after the stroke I had to speak to him and even though she has been gone since 2020, I call him nightly at 7:00 p.m. He will be 93 next week, still lives in his home, five hours away from me.
Many of our calls involve him telling stories of growing up. I realize now that his father was not a role model for him and anger was a constant in his childhood home. Back in the 50s, when I was born, parenting classes were not a thing. Dad might have learned how to be a different kind of father if they had been. I never saw a man hold a baby until I met my husband's family! Never heard "I love you," until I met my husband's family. My home and my husband's home were very different. Sometimes when dad tells his stories, he'll start in on how he told someone off, and immediately that childhood feeling of being intimidated rises up. But now I redirect and move him on to other things.
I guess I'm saying this to tell you that maybe there is still hope for good communication and relationship with your dad.
As for me, how am I feeling? Holidays make me sad. My husband has many health issues plus moderate cognitive impairment and FTD. No need to rehash our history, just suffice it to say that when secrets are revealed, everything changes. One daughter is not even coming this Christmas (but they did visit in early November). The other daughter totally cut us off earlier this year after crashing emotionally and I finally got a note from her last month saying, "I miss you, I hate what dad has done to us, I want to see you and spend time with you, but don't expect me to change my feelings toward dad." We have a troubled son (42) living in our basement, and a stressed-out son living thirty minutes away that probably steps up more for me than the others. Decorating the tree used to be a family affair. Even after they had families of their own, my dds would come over for a fun evening of decorating. Now I do it alone. It is the memories of the good times in the past that are my biggest struggles. FB "memories" show me how much things have changed in five years. Every year, I think this is dh's last Christmas and (selfishly) I look forward to the future I might get to have (although at this point, I think when dh does pass, I will probably have to be with dad as much as possible). Because of dh's health, we could not be with dad for Thanksgiving. Now it looks like I will miss his birthday next week too (but I've contacted some neighbors and they will see to it he gets cake and cards).
Because of what I've seen in my parents and here on the forum, I've already decided that the inheritance I get from dad will be used for me to move into a CCRC somewhere. I do not have the expectations of my kids stepping up the way I have for my husband's parents and for my parents and for my spouse, nor do I want that burden to be on them. So I will live my happily-ever-after in a CCRC.
Thanks for your reply. I'm definitely going to make arrangements for my care so that my daughter will not have worry to about it. It is too much especially when the elderly parent has physical limitations along with some health issues. I hope to have good communication with him. When I think we are on the right rode, he often turns the conversation negative and it is exhausting. I chose the forum name Faithful Beauty because I try to stay faithful and I try to think of myself as a beautiful person even though others may not see me that way.
With Wellcare coming in during the week and just us on weekends.
She is usually ok during the day. But sun downing in early evenings.
I had an open talk with the nurse that came in today to check on her and her vitals.
She doesn't drink enough water, she knows the consequences for uti, but I have accepted what will be, will.
So, planning on a low key Christmas. Hoping for it anyway.
I hope we all can have some peace on earth within our family dynamics. :)
So, go listen to David Bowie and Bing Crosby sing that song they do at Christmas. Its a classic.
Happy Holidays to all!
Yes EXACTLY the note 🎵 I need.. in fact music is propably the ONE thing that turns my ship of stress around & into something sentimental.
It sounds like you have set proper boundaries with your father. I am glad that you made the wise choice to stay away from your dad after your argument.
I hope that he took the time to process the things that you said to him and that he now understands how you feel.
Take care of yourself and enjoy your life.
The next day after the argument, he apologized. This is only the second time in my life that I have heard him say the words "I'm sorry." But I feel that anytime I disagree with him, there will be another argument. Maybe I'm wrong but that is the way is usually is. I'm definitely trying to take care of myself and enjoy my life. I'm in my middle 50's. These days.. who knows how much time we have left?? I recently read an article about a lady and her family who were taking care of her elderly father-in -law. Her sons had put off going to college and etc to stay home and help out. She said that once her FIL was no longer living, her sons would live their life and she and her husband would live theirs. That is admirable but what if he outlives them? It seems as if there are many cases now where the cargivers are passing away before the person they are caring for. So I say live your life! Try your best to delegate responsibilities and most definitely do not slack on your job! We all need to work!
She got into a HUGE tizzy when I changed her Fall wreath to a Christmas wreath.
I don’t change it for her sake. She doesn’t even usually pay attention to it.
I do it to remind the caregivers that someone loves her and is paying attention.
She also had a panic over a cup of water that I brought her. She was convinced that it was going to spontaneously overflow and spill and cause I don’t know what kind of tidal flood or something.
I finally hugged her and told her I would be back soon. It was all I could do not to run out of there, screeeeeaming.
I’ll bake for the caregivers this week. Maybe I’ll be lucky, and Mom will be sleeping.
Ho. Ho. Ho. 🎄
🥧🥧🥧🥧
😋
Getting wet in a storm over & over will deplete even the hardiest of people. A nice warm restoritive bath is in order ☺️
I too decided to stay 'high & dry'.
Where I cannot remove ALL risk, I have made a new plan that reduces risks significantly.
Self preservation IS important.