Background: My husband's dad, 88 and in relative good health, just lost his wife, Marie, 87, of 67 years. The dad, my husband (of 30 years), and his other two siblings (brothers, both retired) elected to personally care for Marie in the family home, aided by home hospice 5 hrs weekly, for a full TWO years while she fought to exist with her terminal diagnosis, 100% bed ridden, completely incontinent and requiring constant diaper changing and personal care etc. for the entire long duration. Family refused any nursing home options, etc as not good enough for their Marie. To say this protracted care period was stressful on the entire family, including the daughters in law, is putting it mildly. To say that the sons, particularly my husband, are inordinately, dutifully (and in the case of my husband, dysfunctionally) dedicated to their parents, is also putting it mildly. Throughout, my husband placed his mother ahead of everyone and everything, particularly me and our marriage health, which deteriorated dramatically during this time from extended lack of contact or connection while he was geographically and emotionally distant from me while commuting (100 miles round trip) and performing his care duties all weekends of his life for this time period while also holding down his 45-hour weekly job to keep building our retirement savings. (I have also contributed the lions share to those; in case you might wonder). So, basically, no hours left for the two of us to do anything, because he cared to do nothing more than commute to/ be with her when not working-- I believe trying to "make up" for his guilt in leaving his controlling parents 30 years ago when he married me and moved away to be with me and my breadwinning career while his other siblings built their lives closer by. So, in Marie's dying my husband decided it was now or never to make up all the hours we never drove often enough to visit her. He took Marie's care full on, including much of his brother's shares over time as they tired. The DAD encouraged my husband's hyper-dedication throughout, made him out to be the family hero for sacrificing so much and even comparing/disparaging his other sons behind their backs to my husband for not demonstrating the same level of heroics as my husband (they likely were trying to still maintain their marriages more healthfully, I guess). The dad clearly is a selfish manipulator and had little concern for ME or our marriage. If I was not sacrificing likewise, diving into Marie's feces and urine when I would accompany my husband there occasionally over this time period, I was persona non grata. All the DIL's were "graded and judged" by the dad according to how many diapers they were willing to change. So, I FLUNKED. I had offered time and again to do ANYTHING else, but to Dad diaper changing was the gold standard to show true love and he wasn't appreciative of my cooking, or any other help offered in substitute. Over time, I got beaten down.
The culture of their clan is that the KIDS are the parent's rightful retirement and long-term care plan. Mom and dad saved no money nor made any other related plans accordingly. Their belief: it is the boys' duty and responsibility!
My question: Now mom is gone, dad is electing for now to stay safely in the small family home. Understandably grief stricken and lonely beyond. But, immediately encouraging and manipulating my husband into carrying on his heroics, so now hubby goes out there weekends to babysit the dad --who cries, periodically alludes to ending his life, asks the boys to "check on me every couple hours to make sure I'm ok" etc. They watch ball games together all weekend. How long is it considered reasonable for the siblings to coddle the dad in this manner? It's only been a few weeks since Mom has passed, but I am already dreading, based on what I have seen, that the ordeal ahead will be as bad or worse than what has already passed.
PS: Yes, I am seeking marriage counsel!!
It could be a good idea to get together with your SILs, who may then also have some influence on your BILs. FIL is working up to expecting the same dedication that was demanded for MIL. If they can see it coming, they might decide that it’s time to change the expectations. That could change the whole deal, if the five of you agree.
PS Make sure that all the retirement savings are not in a joint account, because either of you can withdraw it in total at will. If you are still working, put your future earnings in your own account – you can still contribute your share fairly, but you should protect your own future if things go from bad to much much worse.
He should be fully evaluated.
There is a good possibility that this scenario will start again rather soon as your FIL begins his decline from whatever condition. (grief, depression, dementia, or physical, mental ailments)
I think you are deluding yourself if you think this is going to change.
You say you are seeking marriage counsel...have you gone? Will your husband go? (not to be the skeptic here but my guess is he sees that he is doing the right thing so he will not change. And he probably does not understand why you do not see it in the same way he does)
So given that what are YOU ready to do?
You have a few options.
* Continue down the same well worn road and expect that nothing will change.
* Do what you need to do to protect yourself financially and break from what seems to be a dysfunctional marriage.
Neither is an easy choice.
Now...I took care of my Husband at home doing exactly what your husbands family did for Marie. And had Hospice for almost 3 years. The difference is I did not EXPECT any family to help, I hired caregivers. Granted I am quite a bit younger than your FIL if that makes a difference.
Bottom line is the ball is in your court (to use a sport term your husband might understand) and it is up to you to decide what YOUR next steps will be. This is your life that you need to be concerned about.
Just in case DH decides you should all live together, it would be a good idea to get some legal advice now about asset splitting.
Now, FIL has to make a decision. He just lost his wife so there is time to grieve. But ur husband cannot be his everything. Your husband needs to realize that your his #1. His Dad needs to make plans for his future. Either go to an AL or have someone come in to help him. But if your husband has been taught growing up that he and his siblings are responsible for Dads care, going to be hard to change that. Good thing you are going for counseling.
If I had been in your position , I would not be changing diapers for my MIL either.
i appreciate the devotion your husband and his siblings have to their parents, but they needn't fall on their swords for their father's benefit. It's time for a balance check, but I don't see how you're going to force that.
Your decision to remain married is up to you. If your husband isn't participating in marriage counseling, I'm not sure how much value it'll have. You can use therapy for yourself to deal with the resentment of your in-laws that's occupying far too many of your brain cells to be healthy. The simmering anger you have against them is palpable.
Clearly hubs is not going to be able to please you and with your attitude may not even care to try. See that counselor, maybe then a way to improve your relationship will be found. I just don't see it as possible.
I imagine the relationship has always been difficult? Or is that not the case.
"Clearly hubs is not going to be able to please you and with your attitude may not even care to try". That may be your judgement, plus your own cynicism, but it's not going to help at all.
I'm glad you are seeking marriage counseling and I hope that your husband is able to understand he has to participate IN the counseling in order for it to work. So far, he's invested himself only in his parents, and not his marriage, allowing you to be labeled the 'no good daughter in law' the whole time for refusing to dive into human waste products. What a ridiculous bar to set for someone! SMH
You have many decisions ahead of you, my friend. Wishing you the best of luck with all of them.