My mom is midway+ through vascular dementia. Same symptoms as Alzheimers, just a different timeline.
Mom lives by herself and she should not be. I was going for several hours 5 days - every week, but my son developed some serious health issues - my focus must be for him. I now go 2 days a week and we have outside help 3 days for 4 hours a day. Brother pops in the evening and sister for a minute on the weekend. Mom does not eat unless I make her and someone sits with her. I am the only one who sits with her. She won't drink unless she is made to.
We have had 2 family conferences with Mom's doctor about the need for placement in a home or having substantially more outside help, but my POA brother will not do it. My sister didn't come to either meeting.
He told me he has seen all of the incidences I have told him about. It makes no difference. He says she is fine for now. NO SHE IS NOT! I have worked for a year to get more help and/ or placement. On mother's day of this year, my brother finally agreed to start the process - however, he was leaving it to me. I told him I cannot start the process - he is POA - he has to do it. Immediately it was a big fat no way. He doesn't want to be the bad guy - but he was willing to let me. Okay. It needs to be done. Her doctor was ready to write the order before the first conference, but couldn't since I am not POA.
The only thing I can do is step back completely and let them take care of everything. I will call Adult Protective Services if they do not act. I will still visit with Mom and check on her, but I will not wait to get into legal trouble because of elder neglect. And that's what will happen if anything happens and Mom ends up in the hospital with injury from a fall, or whatever. It is a matter of time before another fall happens. I don't know if this about preserving what little money she has, or the emotional aspect, or just plain stubbornness. Mom's situation is not good and I am afraid for her safety. Her wellbeing must come before what she or we want.
Keep on with the good fight!
2. I think your brother is showing the "I know how to do it better than you" attitude, which sometimes comes with people who are convinced they know more than you. And it's not just men; I know women who take this approach too....bossy know-it-alls.
And, I figured out how to send my text messages to my computer! From now on, I'll have all of them.
In a way ( awful isn't it?), I hope Mom falls and has to be hospitalized so that he will see the danger. The only difference is, with someone there if it happens, she won't lay there for hours before someone realizes. She could end up in the hospital with malnutrtion and/or dehydration because my siblings do not sit with her to make sure she eats and drinks, and mom tells the girl that she won't eat. UGH!! I have done all I can do. It will ALL be on him now.
I am taking the rest of my diary and a note letting her doctor know what's going on, and that it won't be me bringing her in. This will come back back to bite him in the butt. Now that he's increased caregiver time, I don't know that APS will do anything. But I am calling them anyway. Maybe they will see that she doesn't eat and she's still alone all night long. I emailed an attorney with a consultation request. I will have to call them as well. The situation is so bad - the increase is a bandaid. I am truly disgusted with my brother. My mom cannot make this decision - she doesn't even think she has dementia. There is nothing wrong with her except that she's old. I fear for her health and safety. She needs 24/7 care. We'll see.
Perhaps you and your siblings could pull together and work out a system where one of you calls each night to check on mom at bedtime. I think it would be great if the three of you could agree on something and regain a sense that you're all working FOR mom and not against each other.
If I may be so bold: you are assuming that the doctor's appointment got cancelled because mom didn't want to go. How did you find out about the cancellation ? In your shoes, I would call brother and say, neutrally I hear mom's appointment for today is cancelled, is something up?
I've found over several years of dealing with my mom with vascular dementia, 1. Never believe anything mom tells me without independent verification and 2 never make assumptions about why something is happening, or not happening ( my brother isn't calling me back because he's mad, the nurse isn't calling me back because something is wrong, etc,). It's saved me a lot of heartache.
And just as a bit of sympathy for your brother, remember that he can't make her move. She hasn't been declared incompetent and while the doctor thinks she should be in care, that doesn't compel her to go. Unless one of you has guardianship over her person, you can't compel her to do anything. So understand that that's a bind your brother is in.
When I realized that my mom should no longer live alone, I told " mom, I can't do this anymore (the endless trips an hour each way because she was upset about something) and told her that my brother (favorite child) was going to have a heart attack from racing to her home to rescue her from imaginary emergencies. My point is, ultimately, your mom is going to have to be convinced to move to AL. Unless of course she falls, ends up in rehab and then a nursing home. "Mom, if you go now, you have a choice about where you go. If you wait, maybe not so much".
I have had that conversation with my mother many times. I even told her that we kids could be in serious trouble if she hurt herself and the hospital, or whoever, called in the authorities. If no one talks to her about it, she won't think about it.
I never, ever said Mom would live with me - that was their assumption because I was doing most of the grunt work. Because I already had the delightful experience of caring for my son, and mom and stepdad. He is early onset bipolar disorder and has had severe symptoms from birth. I have been a caregiver for 27 years!! That is where their assumption came from.
My brother is aiding and abetting her delusions that she is perfectly fine on her own. He tells her that I'm exaggerating her symptoms. No one wants to move to a nursing home, not be independent anymore, but sometimes it's necessary. None of us are medically, emotionally, or financially able to care for a dementia patient - mother or not. I am not physically able to lift her or do heavy cleaning. He does everything for her - I at least make her do things she can still do. Hang her shirts, dust - little things like that. That was per doctor's orders.
She is not totally "gone" yet, but she is not totally here, either. Some days are really bad. Some so-so. She is in decline. I always double check on things she says - most things I can verify, some I can't. Those I don't pay much attention to. Well, we'll see it all plays out. That's all I can do. If the shoe is on the other foot, maybe he'll see the need. But, yep, I am calling APS, and I know that they may not do anything, but at least it might scare them a little. Thanks.
Let me explain what I'm thinking. It's about this bit - you're certain he cancelled the appointment because she didn't want to go. Well, now. Hold on a minute. That is, if anything, the *only* valid reason *for* cancelling the appointment: that your mother wanted to cancel it.
Now I know it's more complicated than that. You or I would have the practical authority, as long-term caregivers, if we were doing the negotiations here, to say "bollocks, mother, you're going to that appointment and liking it." We would be in a position to overrule her on the grounds that we have taken responsibility for her welfare for a long time, and she'd give in. But, having taken over the actual hands-on bit only recently, your brother has yet to see his way to doing that kind of thing; he doesn't yet know when he mustn't take no for an answer. He has to catch up.
But he is catching up and, given that he gave that commitment to your mother when he accepted POA, that's a good thing. Give him a chance to get up to speed. It may be that the result will be that he will have a rapid change of heart and come to your point of view that your mother needs to be in care. Good result 1: your mother moves in to long term care. But it could be, possibly, that he will find a way to keep her at home; and if he is determined to do that, especially if that is what she wants and continues to want, then good luck to him. If that is the outcome your mother wants, then that is what he should ideally be aiming for. It'll be rough on him, I doubt if he yet appreciates how hard the going will be; but if he is prepared to see it through...
I did three years of 24/7 home care for a vascular dementia parent and it wasn't pretty. Does he understand what he's wishing for?
I have given him many chances to "get up to speed". He has seen all of the behaviors and episodes. We have been going "round and "round for a year with this. He has totally disregarded what the doctor said - he doesn't even sit with her while she eats. That was made very clear during both of the conferences with the doc. He will get what he wished for. It won't take too long for Mom to have another bad spell or another fall. So I will let him take it all on.
I think I might call mom's doctor and report why the surgeon wanted her seen and the doctor's advice about what to do. Perhaps he could order nursing services to come out and see mom ever week or so, since she hates going out so much.
If she wants to stay in her home, she needs to accept in home care. Your choice mom.
To disregard what the doctor says and any healthcare professional who comes in contact with Mom is irresponsible. Anyone who sees her can very plainly see where she is at and what her issue is. I have a sneaking suspicion that the hospital mentioned something to him because he extended the aide help very quickly after fighting me on it for so long. He has got to open his eyes before something bad happens.
Sunnygirl - There are no assisted living facilities that take medicaid in my state. She will be self pay for less than a year, then will have to convert to medicaid. I have done my research - tons of it - months of it.- toured several places. The place I really liked has a very good dementia program. It is a rehab/long term care facility. Theei therapy unit is a good one as well. They have 7 doctors on staff and tons on nurses around the clock. I had 8 places on my list. Most of the places I toured put dementia patients that will convert sooner than later into double rooms right off the bat. That way they don't have to move and there is less confusion. I appreciate your suggestions - I really do, but I truly have done my homework on this issue. This situation is just going to have to play out. He has control, so he can face the fallout from that control. Her doctor is aware that my brother has shut me out. He is aware that he will be bringing her in now. So thanks for all of your help my friends. It helped just venting and ranting and explaining things.