How to cope with wishing your Mom would die?

Dear Coffeemaid: You are doing great. How wonderful that your daughters are kind to you. Can you call a friend? Are there groups at your church who could give you support? Hang in there - it will not always be this bad. I slaved for years caring for an unappreciative husband and four children and now am single by choice - though not my choice. My daughters are in their 30s now and are a great support. It was well worth it. My son is even coming around to help. It was a great relief when we lost my difficult Dad, although my 90 year old Mom misses him a lot. She is afraid to be alone and I have to pay a teenager to sit with her when I goes out. I tell myself "This Too Shall Pass" and I know it will. Everything and everyone does eventually.

Hang in there - you are making an investment in your children and I believe it will pay off for you in great dividends one day. You are not alone. You are doing a great job.

Every morning, I carry my narcissistic MIL's breakfast across the street to her house. Every morning I wonder: will she be dead in there? Every morning when I see her curtains pulled back and her door cracked open for me, I sigh with relief and also depression. No, I do not want her dead, but I do want an end to the situation. I suppose I could just leave my also-narcissistic husband and flee. I'm Catholic, though, and mother to three preteen children, so what can I do? I like the comments that say, Take care of yourself. But when? I'm so busy serving everyone else. I'd like to believe that the years? months? after they are both gone will be joyous ones for me, but what if I can't outlive them? I have my own health issues. Small graces are the only hope: enjoy that cup of tea, spend a few minutes on something I love. I live for the smiles of my daughters. Have to go make the coffee now. Wonder if she's dead in there. Probably not.

I think I will.go a bit nuts when mom dies, because I am already halfway nutty already, with trying to balance her stuff and my own. Neither is going very well and after she is gone in won't be much happier since I will blatantly be faced with just how much time I have spent on mom. The sibs got away from having to do ANY of it. They can waltz in for the funeral (or skip it) and not be affected at all--they got their lives to themselves. I got to take care of mom and did not get to devote myself to career. So yes I am already seeing how I am nuts for doing this and I will get worse after she's gone. No way to change it, time only goes in one direction.

Someone just wrote, " I think I will go a bit nuts after mom dies." I disagree. My Dad was bedridden and had to be carried to the toilet or cleaned up in bed, change of "pullups" (diapers really) etc. and he could not even eat anything that had not been mashed up. He kept sundowning and pulling out all of his tubes and raging at the nurses and then acting crazy at home and when he finally went to his eternal resting place it was a great relief. I did not mourn, cry, etc. because it had been so difficult dealing with him and caring for him. I loved him when he was whole and healthy but I do not miss him at all now. I am presently caring for my 90 year old Mom and she is not as difficult but, come on, this is one of the hardest jobs on earth - MUCH harder than raising my infant children -and I do not think I will fall apart when she goes. Honesty is healthy. This is very tough going.

OP wrote "I just wish she would die or go away so I wouldn't have to deal with her" and I think this is very very common sentiment. But some day she WILL die, and nobody can speed that up (except suicide) so if you're currently communications by phone, it sounds like you're doing all you can do. So keep it up, and get a Plan for when mom does die. Because then you will be happy right? Actually I think I will go a bit nuts after mom dies. Even after I get her house sold and file her final 2 or 3 tax returns. Maybe I'll have to get a job as a professional paid caregiver since taking care of mom has pretty much sabotaged my current career.

They still see us as kids, the children. To be seen and not heard. My dad doesn't respect a thing I say. I don't know anything, at least in his mind. I'm ok to cook and clean but have an opinion about what he should do or how he could handle something and I'm an idiot. I just have to remind myself that this will pass someday and until then he is the child and I am the adult, in reality.

I wonder why some moms are like that, Maridel. I have pondered that so much. My mom isn't the greatest listener or anything, but I feel like if I talk to her, it's on deaf ears, and yet, the neighbor talks to her, or someone at the grocery store, and she's all ears!

I was meant to see these comments today and they are so comforting. I've just had another run in with my mom and I've been so upset since then that I've been on the verge of going off the deep end. Here it is the week b4 Mother's Day and I'm trying to forget about our last contact. I feel so guilty and depressed and realize that I really do need to distance myself and do something different. My mother too is spacey a lot with me but much more clear thinking and less angry with everyone else. Is she trying to manipulate me? I don't know anymore. I do know I wish it would end. I can't take much more. I'm so grateful to hear from the rest of you. This site is a real blessing.

Maybe she is better when she has to do for herself. I know I'm bad. When I start something I want to get it done. Can't wait for someone who is slow. Been like this for years. I know I tend to walk in and run around trying to get things done. Basically because I really don't want to do it but it has to be done. It bugged my Mom who has never been a great housekeeper. We aren't alike in that respect. I took after her sister.

I've barely spoken with my mom since Feb. 1. She had her tantrum and I left, said I wasn't going to stick around to be screamed at. We've had a few small talks, but oddly she sounds happier and more clear. Maybe she's just happier not being around me. I take her to the doctor and she's spacey, but much more clear and direct with the doctor, and she's more on point at the bank or grocery store, albeit slow. There is something in her where she just completely resents family, I believe. She expects family to let her down, and then they do, within her own standards. I have called the probate court, talked to social workers, her doctor, psychiatrists at the hospital and nothing. It's wait and see, I guess.

Wishing the parent you are caring for would die is very common and very normal, in my opinion. I believe it is a sign that you are burning out and that you NEED to do something for yourself - something fun or interesting or relaxing or challenging or whatever it is that makes you feel better about life. Not drugs or alcohol. Then you can return to your "job" of caring for your parent with a good attitude. Balance is what is needed. A friend of mine who is a professional care-giver told me I had to do things for myself or I WOULD burn out and burnout leads to elder abuse, which I want to avoid. Use wisdom.

Sometimes when we think about our parents dying we anticipate "grief." Other times we actually anticipate "relief." Emotions can be complicated and we do not always feel what we anticipated. When your life has revolved around caregiving, even in the worst of situations--the one's that you wish would just disappear--the death of your "charge" often brings a sense of "what now?"

You are so right JoAnn

Seems that talking to your Mom i a mute subject. You may just haveto stay away. One day they won't release her because she will have no one who can care for her. Then...the decision of a nursing home won't be hers.

Is there any chance you can ring Dr Phil - TV host and ask to be anonymous and ask for urgent help and any other TV shows and documentaries that can be of help. This is urgent and cannot wait. Get in touch with Govt officials as well

Thing is, in the last few years she's been to the hospital several times -- for a uti that went crazy, a cat bite that got infected, a fall, what may have been a small heart attack and/or severe dehydration. She's had several doctors speak with her, including mental evaluations, per our request, and even a couple psychiatrists came in and talked to her, per our request. Verdict is that she seems well enough. And I honestly don't want to be responsible for her in any capacity. I've done it in many ways since I was a child, and I'm done. She thinks I covet her belongings or her checking account, but I don't. I gladly give up any inheritance to not deal with it anymore, or for her to just simply improve a bit, just enough to where I could actually have a conversation with her that isn't laced with resentment (on her part, or mine).

Get another doctor. She needs to evaluated. If she is in the hospital again you can have her evaluated again especially if she goes to rehab. This is the best way to get her to a nursing facility. Going right from a hospital to nursing care. Medicare more likely to pay. Assets will have to be sold. Office of aging maybe able to help.

This happens in my situation to Heidi. Is there a chance you can get in touch with Age Concern or the equivalent in your country - sit down with them, have a chat and say there is no way you or your husband can attend to her needs - it is too hard and to ask them to somehow arrange an assessment due to these circumstances or such like

I really do wish there was a network -- outside of places like this site -- to help caregivers and those dealing with incapacitated (however they may be) parents, etc.
My mother has called the police, lying about things, threatening to call them on me and my husband, due to her thinking we stole a plastic cat figurine or something silly like that.
We deal with accusations, threats, insults, hatred, tantrums and more.
I firmly believe we should protect our frail and our weak, but things have gone out of hand in other extremes.
I would in many ways like to see my mother put away in a home (well, a dream home that's clean and bright and cheery with great help and fun activities, etc), but as it stands, it's so hard to get help.
She's diabetic and thinks meat is a source of fiber or that drinking a 2-liter of Sprite is good for her, or she takes too many xanax, falls, chain smokes, makes up accusations, thinks the 22-year-old guy at the corner store is in love with her, that her neighbors are obsessed with her or jealous or something (or that I'm jealous), if she doesn't get her way for her cigarettes she's tried to walk to 7-11 and cannot walk the block's distance and stands in the street or crosses it slowly putting herself and drivers at risk. And more and more!
I tell this stuff to her doctor and the doctor refuses to believe it. She's been in so many hospitals the last four years and it's just a shrug. Oh well. She's acting up in here, but fine to go home...
My mom comes in and answers questions alright and the doctor thinks she's just a cute old lady. Then I get Mr. Hyde...
My husband thinks my mom finally changed her phone number (we had a cell for her under our plan) and she tried to call before he left for work. He told me he thinks it was her calling, some kind of test call from the phone company, probably trying one number from her cell out, and it made my blood run cold. I haven't talked to her in a few weeks, and I am both thrilled with it and worried that she's not getting the care she needs. I feel like I'm being torn in two over it all!

Heidi73 - I 100% agree with you - this is also what my sisters and I are up against with our elderly mother in care - it is agony,more agony and extreme agony like that all of our life but now 1000 times worse - I do empathise and thoroughly support you and will prayer for energy ahd appropriate help to come your way.
Yes - we do need far more appropriate resources to help us as carers and adult children of extremely negative parents as well. Just wondering if there is a way to get a 2nd opinion on your mother etc

1metro, I agree, though I may read a bit differently into your answer. I think more needs to be done for caregivers, more in place to help them.
I've hit a lot of dead ends with my mom, and get very little cooperation from doctors, etc., because she answers questions correctly. They think she's a bit dotty but fine. Then I get the rages and the confusion and the accusations. Sometimes I wonder if it's just me (she has major issues with family), but that's another conversation.
But I'd like to see more to help caregivers. Every time I help my mom for doctor's appointments or hospital trips, I have to take unpaid time off. I've spend countless hours in hospitals and doctors offices and picking up medications or taking her shopping or shopping for her. I've looked at paperwork, sorted out confusions, checked on billings, cleaned and more.
Sometimes it's a labor of love, but when her hate and rage boil up, it's agony.
I end up canceling doctor's and dentists appointments because of time lost at work, or because I'm not in the mood to get a lecture for gaining 10 pounds the last six months due to stress eating, etc.
Finally after the last round of accusations I've walked away. It's temporary, I'm sure, but I need a break. I need to get to that doctor's appointment finally so I can keep track of my borderline-high blood pressure, I need to get some new glasses, I need to see the dentist, I need to do my taxes, clean my house, enjoy a day off, and so on.
My mother insists she knows everything better, and finally I am just throwing my hands in the air and saying whatever.
So I'm not technically a caregiver, but it's hard work to deal with an adult who society believes knows better, but clearly she does not. It's like having a child, but a child will grow more independent (ideally) and more capable, whereas this is having a person who grows ever deeper into delusion.

I’ve read many of these and feel bad for everyone dealing with parent-child. I call it that because my father is in his late 80s and a pain. My brother who lives so close he can hear my Dad’s toilet flush, but doesn’t seem to have time to check on him unless he or one of his kids wants something. My sister is about ten miles away and tries her best, but is afraid of my brother who had verbally assaulted her, me and my daughter in the past. I live 100 miles away and can’t come in due to weather and commitments that saved me around Christmas. I think God is allowing me time to breathe since I seemed to be the only one who could or would help Dad for over a year. His condition impacts the executive functions-reason, processing financial and business things, and decision making.
As the POA I did everything, but suddenly my father doesn’t trust me and after being prodded by my brother, voided the POA and now wants to do things on his own, but can’t. In spite of the doctor telling him he has cognitive issues he insists he is able. So now I am working on guardianship, even though he was not capable of making the decision to void the POA. This all occurred at the beginning of February and almost on a monthly cycle I have an issue with Dad.
Today I get a call from my aunt, staying with Dad. His phone doesn’t work. After the litany of-I want my checkbook back and I’ll handle my bills, I don’t know what money I have, someone didn’t pay the bill, etc, etc. I called him back to see if it wasn’t just that phone. So the call went through to his kitchen phone. The phone at his chair wasn’t hooked up properly and instead of checking things or troubleshooting he immediately calls me 100 miles away to b*tch and whine. Like I said, monthly drama, almost like cramps and then it subsides till the next month’s issue.
I don’t wish him dead, but I do wish he wouldn’t fight me when I try to help. It is all part of the disease. I was told by a priest to be patient and remember I am the adult. I don’t want more government intervention in my or others lives. I don’t think it’s a matter of we live too long, not everyone gets this disease and many live clear minded lives in their 70s, 80s, and 90s. So, I have come to the conclusion that life is not supposed to be some sort of paradise because that has been pushed on us by the movies or some social club sense of joy. We were never promised our parents wouldn’t get sick or demented. As for that we can’t count on tomorrow either. I know it sounds archaic, but we need to pray; for our parent-child, our siblings who live so close it hurts, and for the situation that is unfolding. We need to just seek help and pray that God gives us the strength to survive our parents regardless of their age. After all when we were crying, wet and hungry they didn’t put us away. At least mine didn’t so I have to try and help til Dad goes. God help me and God love all of you dealing with this mess in your lives. It isn’t easy. At least now there are more things we can do. I remember a guy who lived by himself in a house a block away. No one bothered him and he was nuts. Just kept shut in and everyone was afraid of him. He just lived there until he died. Who knows he might have been like my Dad with no family to care for him. Sad, but we have come a long way with dementia care and handling.
God bless you all and help you with your mission of care.

There needs to be much more proactive and senstible awareness for the public as well. A lobby group in conjunction with Govt funding etc needs to be set up to ensure carers are appropriately supported whether caring for elderly at home plus siblings and others requiring help where paid professional carers step in to carry the load and enable general carers a lot of their life back

Haven't read the responses but needed to say...We r living too long. My Mom is 86 with dementia and living with me the last 4 months. At 65 I'm retired and handling everything. Care of her, before her my grandson, a disabled nephew who remains in her home. I set up and take both to appointments. Have to deal with any problems he encounters. Paying her bills out of her account and watching his money. Cleaning out her house getting it ready to sell. Dealing with paperwork for both. Not what I thought I'd be doing retired. Tired of being THE ONE. I do have brothers. One hasn't seen Mom since Nov. The other is 7hrs away.

I am empathise with you. My suggestion
1.get her assessed ASAP for a home to cater to her needs - let this be a sharing with other professional carers to give you immediate peace of mind and respite
2.sign youself up with a carer support group
3. have your brother assessed also as he might need to be in another care facility
4. get legal advice as well

Totally can agree with you. My situation is very similar. It is hard, especially when they fight you when you are trying to help them. She fights eating, changing diapers, sheets, etc. Got a hospital bed through hospice - so now she grabs the rails and won't let go when we try to help her. She is abusive. She says sit and talk - I don't want to - when I was little she would bring food and leave - didn't ask if I needed anything. She would go back to cleaning house - that's all she did. No interaction with me. I am an only child luckily I have a husband who helps me. She was so mad when my dad died 10+ yrs ago and took it out on me and my husband - verbally and would have tantrums and through food and coffee at us and never apoligize because it was always someone else's fault. My dad was always there for me and I miss him but I will not miss her. Oh I'll be sad but not miss her. Now completely bedridden she has no one but me and says no one comes to visit her - she never visited anyone. I am tired of taking care of her - We can't do anything, we can't take a trip, it is horrible. My blood pressure is up and I am tired all the time. Haven't resorted to presciption pills just started taking some nature remedies - hope they help. Can hardly wait until she is gone so I can clean, paint, get new carpet and take a trip. Not necessarily in any order.

Please take care of yourself. I am trying to do that with an 82 yo mother living with my bi-polar brother who promised to take care of her if she gave him all her money. I suggested assisted living where my mother would receive better care than my brother gives her; my dr said I wasn't capable of caring for her in my home and I work full time and care for my bi polar husband and manage my 35 yo son's care who is schizo-affective. Mom and bro decided I should take over some dr appts and visit more even though he took the booty to care for her knowing I couldn't. BOTTOM LINE--I disowned both of them. I have PTSD and am in urgent psychiatric care, they will have to use her assets to get the extra care she needs and not coerce and shame me in to it.

Wow! Other than hoping my mother would die, your description of your Mom is very similar to my situation. My father also died 6 years ago, too. My mother has always "ruled the roost" and had total control. Even though my brother lives with our Mom, he doesn't really "take care of her", so to speak. As she ages (my Mom is now going to be 86 in May), she is "losing it" mentally and making poor decisions but absolutely refuses to move out of her home of 50+ years. She won't do things "for her own good" (like even use lotion on her dry hands or chapstick on her dry lips which I've provided numerous times, or even "exercise" her legs by moving them up and down while sitting on the sofa). She can hardly walk because her muscles are atrophying from lack of use. I tell her over and over again to move her legs while sitting but she just ignores my suggestions. Frustrating!!

I keep involved with her because she is my Mom, I love her, and has no one else to care for her. Of course, her decisions are her decisions. Sometimes she "listens" to her son-in-law (my husband) because my husband talks "nice" to her. He doesn't see her as often as I do and I'm always the "bad guy" -- suggesting things that are for her own good -- he can do not wrong in her eyes. Geez. Anyway, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop because of her poor decisions. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do or say to your Mom that's going to change her behavior. Until there's a crisis (like a hospitalization on her part), you will have to either stay away (I know the guilt I would feel would prevent ME from doing that) or just deal with the situation day to day.

To be blunt here, you need to speak with your doctor and get help for your own mental sake. You sound clinically depressed and would benefit from some kind of medication and talk therapy. When you wish someone would die (especially a parent), help for you is needed ASAP. Good luck and ALWAYS feel free to come to this forum. Let us know how you're doing.

Maridel13, you are not a personal and spiritual failure. I, too, have had these feelings you shared in your post. My Mom is 86 and I am NOT an only child, but because I do all the caregiving for my Mom and get absolutely no help from my other 2 siblings, I might as well be an only child. At least your mother talks about other living arrangements (a nursing home). My mother won't even discuss it. She wants to live in her home until she dies no matter want. Of course they don't want to spend their lifetime of savings on nursing home or home care. They want US to care for them. Sounds reasonable in their minds, no? You are lucky that she "agrees" to having home caregivers come into house. My mother refuses -- doesn't want strangers in her house. Our elders are clueless about how much healthcare costs, senior housing costs, nursing home costs, just about how much anything costs these days. They want to still buy a loaf of bread for a nickel like they did in the 30's and 40's. My mother could easily afford Meals on Wheels ($6 per day for 2 daily meals) but that's "too much money" in her mind and she "doesn't need it". So, she eats like a bird and is constantly losing weight at each doctor appt. Her doctor suggested Meals on Wheels to her or drinking Ensure to supplement her nutrition and she just "makes a face" at him and tells him "ewww, that Ensure stuff tastes like crap", so what's a daughter supposed to do?

I just try to support her wishes as much as I can as I know it's horrible to give up your independence and let others "take over". Eventually, I know when the "sh*t hits the fan" (excuse my language) and she is hospitalized for her poor decisions, I will have to step in and be the bad guy AGAIN and make the decisions. This is my life and I have just accepted it. She's 86 -- how much longer can she live? Perhaps another 5 years, maybe. I just try to do the best I can -- I keep telling myself. I hope when it's her time to go, she goes quickly and peacefully. The drama that ensues when a crisis occurs (like a fall, sickness or hospitalization) makes my anxiety skyrocket. Growing old is no picnic. I hope I have everything in order before I get this way with my own kids (my Mom has no will, doesn't want to talk about it, makes her cry). You never know what the future holds.

I have had these thoughts too but then there are days when she sleeps late and I go in and check on her and I am just plain scared. This is my mother whom put up with me in my very bad teenage years. My mom is 87 and still takes care of her self. Lately she started drinking caffeine coffee and she does more than me and I feel guilt over that but then comes the dementia! Oh the questions over and over again, the same questions. Then because she is so active and still thinks she 55, she falls and back to the hospital again for a week. When she comes home I do everything. I have a sister who is the oldest( 10 years older than me, I am 53) she lives 5 minutes away and we never hear or see her. She is in Florida for 6 weeks right now. She always has something else to do. She has 7 granddaughters that she helps take care of and then her endless vacations. My middle sister lives 45 minutes away and comes every other weekend and stay 1 day. She takes Mom out to the show or dinner or shopping, but Mom does not like being out long. I lost my job so I am home constantly and have pulled back from all my friends and just stay in my room when I can. Never did I think this is what I would be doing at my age.I get depressed a lot, i have been dealing with depression since 28 years old but it is at a whole new level. This is my MOM though, she has done so much for me in my life, I could never turn my back on her. My oldest sister wants her in assisted living (really) but I promised I would never let that happen unless she felt it was time. I really do not have it as bad as a lot of you cause she is so mobile, sometimes she cooks me dinner! But I said before the dementia is maddening

My father, 87, a hoarder, depressed, paranoid, blames others for everything and depends on me to help understand his mail, issues etc. We argue about everything as he does not get his way or the response from me he wants. He's not always been this way but, from a divorce from the mother 18 years ago, he's stuck in that year and can't move on. I take him to counseling at the VA and everywhere he needs to go "shopping". I get him to stay with me about one week out of the month but, he goes back home and it starts all over again. I've lost days of work and pay because of his NEEDS. My siblings, who live out of state, make excuses for his behavior and brush it off, as they don't have to deal with it unless they call him once in a while. I hate seeing him live out his days like this and there are times I wish the same thing (death)- for me and for him. I understand. it's taken a toll on me and I have begun to drink more - trying not to - but, to cope at times. I just tell myself, It is what it is and go with the flow but, I know it's gonna get worse before it gets worse. You are not alone.