My mother makes choices in her daily life that could affect me. Some now and some in the future after she dies. She is in her right mind so she can make her own decisions. But they are bad decisions a lot of the time. And I have to get involved because of her decisions sometimes. And dealing with her is very difficult. Or she might end up in the hospital because of a decision. That hasn't happened yet. But it could have. It's very stressful dealing with her. Even though I try to keep my distance emotionally. She is co-dependent with my brother that has a personality disorder that complicates things even more. My father died six years ago. There is no one else. She would not listen to anyone anyway. She is rigid. I just wish she would die or just go away so I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. She is 88 years old and can't walk without a walker. But lives in her house alone. Brother stays over three or four days a week. But won't help her much. So I can't just go no contact. Actually I hardly visit and mostly use the phone to communicate with her. Still wish she would just go away. My life would be much less stressful.
I felt the same way about my mother. I didnt feel guilty about it. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have nice parents. My mother kept threatening to commit suicide and, at age 89, she did. She had outlived all acquaintances and I don't believe she ever had a friend or was a friend to anyone. My sister hung around long enough to inherit everything. I was never such a hypocrite. Your feelings are your feelings and you have , I am sure, earned them. Be kind to yourself.
It seems dreadfully unfair to me that she values your brother so highly without regard to what this does to you, or how it makes you feel.
Isn't the point of doing a Special Needs trust in order to qualify for aid?
I have a new question. How do I force her to get in home help to be with her for days when my brother isn't there. I just called her on the phone. There is two steps up from her bedroom to get into the living room. There is a banister to hold on to. She said that one leg goes up the stair fine. Having a lot of trouble today getting the other leg up the step. She has to get to the kitchen to get food. My brother left last night because of the weather. I told her I would help pay for someone to help her. That she could use someone there to help. She is talking about trying physical therapy, and didn't want to discuss having help. She try's to save every penny she can for my brother. Once she said that all a person is going to do is sit there until I need something. Don't want to pay someone for that. She rejected the idea of a volunteer also. She does have a woman to do laundry and light cleaning. Only cause she can't. And she only pays her about $13 an hour. But this woman works most other days for other people. So she isn't available other times. So is it possible when there is no one else but me to talk to her to force a helper on her?
As far as your brother, he is an adult time to fly on his own. If your mom owns her home sell it, rent it- if she needs the money for an ALF or some care. It doesn't sound as if brother is capable of making decisions for your mom. If an ALF is out of the question due to finances as many are ridiculously priced $6-$8k a month here. You might try an Adult Care Home ..usually 2-5 adults cared for in a private home so no "facility" setting. Your mom could hopefully make friends and be around her contemporaries. About 1/3 of the price of ALF. Her doctor could also order home health to come in, paid by medicare at least you would have some help and eyes on the situation.Even a caretaker to help with chores, meals etc...Check your states AHCA site for a list of providers. Good luck and God bless you on this journey! Please take care of yourself! Remember there comes a point when you can no longer be the sole caregiver for her health and yours. Try to reach out for some help, see your mom when you can be at your "best" and try to recall the good memories you shared at one time!
I just bought a security camera so I can "look in on dad" when he is alone. I am thinking of spending more days a week with him but I have a 16 yr old at home who is on the Autism spectrum and we homeschool him.
Life is such a challenge and I (we, my husband is tired too) have been "helping" for so long. Dad has an acre filled with junk (cars, wood, metal, weeds: you can visualize it) and it is depressing to go there as it used to be so beautiful. So, I find myself "wanting this to be over" and then I realize that the only way for that to happen is for him to be dead. And I feel guilty and evil. In my heart of hearts I don't want him to die, like I said, I just want my life back.
But, the advice from others here is great.
You need to take time for yourself. I can't tell you how much I have worried about something that never happened. And so now I am trying to just let it go.
This weekend is a 3 day weekend and we are staying home. Our own home and yard is in dire need of attention too. But we never feel like doing anything at home because we have worn ourselves out at dad's.
So, try not to worry. Take one day at a time. Keep the phone contact to help relieve the wondering what's going on. And don't feel guilty. God bless.
I AM IN AGREEMENT WITH ALMOST ALL OF THESE SUGGESTIONS TO YOU. HOWEVER, THE "COMMON DENOMINATOR" IS = TAKE CARE OF YOUR NUMBER #1 PRIORITY FIRST. ( THAT IS "YOU")!
YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF SAFETY AND COMFORT FOR YOUR MOM, BUT YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT IN THIS SITUATION! IF YOUR MOTHER HAS ENOUGH MENTALITY TO TAKE CARE OF HER PERSONAL NEEDS..SO BE IT. BUT IF YOU SEE THAT SHE NO LONGER CAN HELP HERSELF PHYSICALLY, THEN GET PROFESSIONAL HELP AND BECOME HER "CONSERVATOR" SO THAT YOU CAN TAKE CONTROL IN ORDER TO ADMIT HER INTO AN "ASSISTED" FACILITY WHERE THEY AND NOT YOU CAN TAKE ON THE BURDEN FOR HER CONDITION.
I WOULD LEAVE YOUR BROTHER ALONE AND HELP YOURSELF "FIRST". IT'S TIME TO BE VERY SELFISH IN ORDER TO GET YOUR LIFE ON AN EVEN KEEL"
GOOD LUCK,
SONNY
Shamir hit the nail on the head.
I had wonderful parents, so I can't relate. Yes it was tough at times, but I would do it again, but if you hate the woman than get social services involved for an evaluation, and make it clear to them you have no intention of helping her.
she has some money and I cannot place her in a Nursing home for 450$ a day and marginal care. I went part time, but cannot afford to do it any longer. I would be lying if I said, I never wished she would just die. We have taken great care of her and now after 11 years I need to take care of myself. She is finally on an antidepressant and also being treated for her failing thyroid. I am planning on moving south and taking her with me. Life goes on, she may live another 1-10 more years. My compromised life style has ended. So now she will go for a ride with me. I would certainly delay a move if she was unstable. So, now she is kind of excited to move in the next 11 months. She will die when her time is up and no sooner. I have to live my life and set myself up during my pre retirement years. Returning to work full time and living in a city that fills my needs. Her needs have become simple routine and custodial. I think we will be just fine. I am a better care giver for having the courage to unstuck myself. good luck
We didn't ask to be born or to end up as caregivers but we are. Don't let your mom take more of you or your life then is absolutely necessary. My mother's doctor told me I shouldn't feel ANY guilt at all, that if an elderly person is of sound mind, that they are responsible for their own happiness and life. They should not look to others to be of constant service to them. It's debilitating for the caregiver. The more you do the more she'll expect. Do whatever you need to do keep your guilt in check. I get it I get it I get it. I've made a decision to live with
Put her in assisted living then. For God's sake, if you hate the woman that much, she must have been a real "Mommy Dearest" to you when you were a kid! She's an old woman. If neither of you two sons can handle her, put her in a place where people can take care of her and everyone is at peace.