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Any tips or advice for dealing with so many supposedly " urgent" phone calls during our work days where we really can't be on our cell phones all the time?


I posted a week ago about my dad who was trying to negotiate going home from AL. Thanks for all the responses. I have spoken with him and told him that going home is just not possible. He has to either stay at his current AL, or we can look at other ALs. That is the only deal we can make . I spoke to management at the AL and alluded that we are looking at other ALs. There is a larger apartment available at the current AL, which they have offered to my dad, so we are planning to move him to that larger room and stay in current AL. Dad seems on board, so he will stay at current AL I think... BUT


what still continues is the multiple calls during the day. I told him sternly that when I'm at work I just can answer multiple phone calls every day from him or I'll lose my job. He now promises that he wont call so often but wants to know my work cell phone number so if its "truly an emergency" I will answer his call in that situation. I said OK, but will he truly just call in real emergencies or is he going to call that number even with "perceived urgent" issues too? He is probably at mild to moderate dementia status. Any tips or advice for dealing with so many supposedly " urgent" phone calls during our work days?

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You are trying to use logic with a man who's brain is broken. It won't work.

You are applying YOUR rules to HIS dementia....ie: he promised me. A demented person is incapable of making or keeping promises, period.

His idea of an emergency is the kitchen ran out of cinnamon bread, while you're thinking his arm is hanging off by a thread.

The AL staff WILL call you in the event of a true emergency. Trust me on that.

You say, "Dad seems on board, so he will stay at current AL I think... BUT"
You are allowing a demented man to run the show here. Soon he may think he's living in a hotel and his caregivers take him and his belongings to a new hotel every night, like my mother did. Yet you're ready to spring into action at the first sign he wants to move. Or get a nicer room. Or go to a "better" AL that may not have his favorite lunch the lousy AL had, or a bingo caller who he dislikes. Then what?

YOU are in charge now because dad is no longer in possession of his full mind. YOU call the shots about where he lives and how many calls a day you take from him because otherwise, YOU will need to take Valium along with an antidepressant to manage your own life.

Dementia is a black hole. You can choose to jump down into it with your father or take control of the situation for BOTH of you. There was a time when you took all of dad's wishes into consideration before making any decisions because that's what good sons do. Now things have changed, however, and dad needs something different from you. He needs you to be the adult who makes the wise decisions for him because he's lost that capacity now, sadly, and doesn't know WHAT he wants or what's best for him. In a way, he's the son now and you're the dad; the roles have been reversed. Elders with cognitive impairment have lots of trouble making decisions. The fewer the better. That's where you can be most useful.....to narrow down his choices dramatically FOR him.

When we'd go to a restaurant with mom, we had the choice of sitting there for an hour while she'd sweat bullets over what to order from the menu. So I'd look it over and say mom, what would you like, the combo plate or the fettuccine with meatballs? Then she'd calm down and pick one. Their brains just CANNOT process a bunch of info anymore.

Get the book, Understanding the Dementia Experience by by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller, on Amazon. Learn all you can about dad's condition so you can be most useful to him, and to yourself throughout this journey that progressively worsens.

Good luck.
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Jennycap Dec 19, 2023
Perfectly stated. You are 10000% correct!
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I suggest you set up a time or two you call your dad and check in on him. The combination of anxiety as he realizes he cannot remember things or doubts his own judgment makes him want input from his security blanket - that's you. So give him a time he can count on you to listen. If you Dad still reads well, make a sign posted in his room "I will call you at 6:00p after work. Love you". The sign will remind him you are working (which may or may not impact his desire to call, depending on the stage of his dementia), assures him you are thinking of him and he will have his chance. This helped me when I was working from home as my parent joined me for lunch each day.

If there is a true emergency, the AL staff should call you.
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Tell Dad you can’t answer the phone at work , tell him to leave you a message.
And tell Dad that any true emergencies he will have to tell the staff because they are there to take care of it more quickly than you can .
This may not work initially . The important part is you have to not answer the phone .

We had the same issue with my mother . I stopped answering all the calls and she eventually started relying on the staff more when she wanted something and she called me less.
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Do not give dad your work cell number.
let calls go to voicemail.
If it is a TRUE emergency the facility will call you and it will come up on your phone as "Merry Meadow".
Your dad has dementia. For this reason he can not comprehend the instructions to not call you at work or during work hours, or even call only in an emergency....cuz everything is an emergency.
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Jennycap Dec 19, 2023
AGREE 100000%. He will not understand “call me at 2:00pm”.

She has to answer the first call of the day and stop answering calls after that .
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Make your Dad a poster board of the hours your phone will be ON FOR HIM. (That is to say you yourself are doing nothing with your phone but ignoring calls at other hours that are from him). So you will have "TIMES I CAN REACH STRUGGLIN" at the top of the poster board. Then something such as:
6 a.m. ---------8 a.m.
12 noon ------ 1 p.m.
4 p.m.--------- 5 p.m.
8 p.m.---------10 p.m.
At the bottom of the poster you will put "At all other times I should contact my support system here at the ALF."

Then you start the training. At other hours you will ignore calls. So make yourself do that.
Eventually he will be trained or he is beyond being ABLE to be trained and you must train YOURSELF to ignore calls.
At 81 I come of an era in which we were not attached to our phones.
Trust me. It was GOOD TIMES.

Best of luck, Strugglin. I am seeing you out on the Forum. You are one of the few OPs who stick around to help others. That's so appreciated!
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MeDolly Dec 14, 2023
My step-mother with dementia could never follow this outline. We took away her phone, she can get calls at the nurses station.

She was calling us several times a day, the facility calls us if need be.

IMO I would pass on this idea, way too complicated, my step-mother pays no attention to times or days.
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You need to control the situation. I don’t think it was a good idea to give him your work number. I would block his calls during work hours. If it is a true emergency you will hear from the AL directly. He can leave a message and you can call when you are able.

He just cannot help it, he has dementia. But you need to keep your job. I don’t think he gets that part.

Good luck to you.
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He is experiencing anxiety. His anxiety feels like an emergency - every time. Please get him evaluated by his doctor or a referral to a psychiatrist, so he can be evaluated and receive appropriate treatment (includes medications).

Your work number is for work, not his calls. Do not give him that number. If he has it, contact your company for a new phone number.
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InlandMeg Dec 19, 2023
Anxiety was my mom’s problem and she called me constantly begging for help. Her doctor finally gave her some meds and it really calmed her down. She adjusted to her AL and now -even though she participates minimally- she likes the people there.
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As children, we HAD to do what our parents wanted.

With dementia, we CAN'T do what they want.

THEY are the children now.

We must make decisions FOR them.

Just as you wouldn't let your toddler run the show, you NO LONGER can let your father run his.

Or YOURS..

Put your Dad's calls on "Hide Notifications".

Call him no more than once a day.

Save YOUR sanity.

Best wishes to you.
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Jennycap Dec 19, 2023
AGREEEEE- this was me 3 years ago, on the brink of a nervous breakdown… I had to stop - before my mom went into AL (spring 2021) I actually BLOCKED HER CALLS. I was truly losing my mind.
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If you have vetted the care setting your father is in, the care staff there s prepared to address the EMERGENCY needs of their residents.

LET THEM DO THEIR JOBS.

Are you aware that this is not a “him” problem, but a ”you” problem?

If he is exhibiting cognitive decline, he is simultaneously forefitting by default his “rights” to expect you to snap to attention every time you see his number pop into your phone screen. You CANNOT “negotiate” with someone who is losing his ability to reason.

That doesn’t mean that you are a calloused child, mean person, disinterested bystander. It means that you have responsibilities in your life that you need to meet in addition to meeting your responsibilities to provide capable care for a dependent parent (which you’ve already done).

It means that he has a new life and you have a life to live too.

In a similar situation we answered phone calls ONLY during a specified window of time (ours was 6-8 pm, every evening). LO needed a long (6 month) period of adjustment, but ultimately loved her “hotel” and stopped calling.

She was always allowed to leave a message when she called our numbers, and I still keep one in my phone, and occasionally listen to it. Bittersweet, but still evocative of dear memories.
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ForReal Dec 19, 2023
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"You have staff, Mom. Use them.". (That's what we told our mom.) Explaining will get you no where with dementia.

We turned our phones off at work. Tha facility will call in a real emergency.
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