I am really in a situation and I am not sure what to do. My mom is an independent 60 year old woman, but four years ago she decided she did not want to work anymore (because work was too stressful to her) and since my sister and I have a great career that she would stay with us. She never asked us she just said she deserved it. Since I got married in 2017 and lived with my husband, I shrugged her off because we were in our honeymoon stage so she stayed with my sister. They then moved 5 states away. I got pregnant in 2019 and then all of the sudden my mom appears saying " I am here to help take care of my grand child." Since she doesn't work, she gets money from my sister and then she started staying with me for a few months, she demanded I pay her. I would pay her 600 a month but then she started to make demands like " I deserve to sleep in the master bedroom." "you need to build a fence" "You need to create accent walls and put hardwood flooring in the rooms". She wanted me to spend money and give her money. Then she started picking on my husband, I put my foot down but she blamed me for being mean and told me I owe her. I literally told her multiple times, I can't take care of her, pay her, pay my mortgage and my kids bills and I just had a second kid. So being nice, my husband and I decided if we move closer to her, she can just come and visit from my sister house. But now she's adamant to have her own room at my house and complain she doesn't want to live with my sister anymore because my sister invited my dad (my parents still married) to move in permanently with her. (my sister is single, so she loves the company). My mom says she's going to get a job but makes excuses that she wants to take care of her grandchildren. When I am capable of taking care of my kids myself. I feel bad, because my kids are her only grandkids but she is so stressful. She brings drama with my dad and she wants to run my life. Everything I do at home is wrong "How I cook. How I clean? How I raise my kids". I love my mom but honestly it's like she wants the life of luxury but not wanting to work for it. She wants to drive expensive cars (she buys it but can't pay for it), she wants to go to 5 star hotels only, she wants me to spend 1000$$ on making my house look lavish so she can brag to her other family and gets mad when I don't. And lets not forget her Gambling habit. I gave her $1000's in her gambling habit.
Sorry for the long post. I want to gently tell her that I can't live with her but she has this image in her head that this is how her life is going to be and my husband and I need to accept it.
Mom has GOT.TO.GO.
Like, yesterday.
You're gonna 'nice' yourself out of a marriage and home.
Sounds like she's a tad narcissitic---all right, a LOT.
How do you solve this? You invite her to leave and move in with sis. I wouldn't even couch this discussion wrapped in cotton gauze--she won't 'get it'.
Tell her what you've told us. She's NOT the owner of the home. She's NOT the parents of your kiddoes. She's NOT got a voice in what your place looks like or how it's run.
Be kind, but firm. Ask her to take a weekend to pack and then she needs to leave.
She's 60???? She could live 35 more years! My mother has lived with my YB for 26 years and it has been alternatively a nightmare and a worse nightmare. Some families can live together and it's a lovely thing. Sounds like that's not your deal.
Tell sis that mom is coming back to her place. So what if she doesn't want to see your dad! She should have planned better. That's not your fault.
And QUIT GIVING HER GAMBLING MONEY!!! You want to throw money away, take it outside in a brisk wind and let it go. That's gambling with the same outcome. She's not winning and repaying you, right?
Stop being her enabler, it will get worse over time. You can't change her, but you can change you.
BTW--NOBODY who responds to your question is going to think that this (mom living with and mooching off you) is a good thing.
Think about that. You already know the answer don't you?
She needs to be evicted immediately.
The gravy train needs to dry up at once.
Not one thin dime will mother be receiving from you, ever again, for anything.
I am 63 years old myself. The very THOUGHT of doing to my children what your mother is doing to her children leaves me nauseous. It's wrong at every single level.
The time for being 'gentle' with mother has long passed. In fact, you are doing her a disservice by pandering to her this way. It's time mommy stand on her own two feet now & suck it up, like the rest of the adults in the world, get a job, make money, and use it as she sees fit without expecting her children to finance her life!
Wishing you the best of luck evicting your mother & taking your life back! You deserve it, she deserves no more of your kindness.
If you truly want to improve your situation, first and foremost, you have to rethink and change your relationship with your mother.
Right now, you think and behave as:
a frightened little girl
who is afraid of her mother's disapproval, and
that her mother will be mad at her, so
she'd better tiptoe around her mother and be gentle, and
puts up with whatever and however outrageous mother's demands are
You need to change the above to:
I am an adult deserving of respect from anyone including my mother.
I am a mother who needs to protect my child.
I am a wife who needs to put my man first.
My first priority is to protect myself, my family and marriage.
I will do whatever is needed to carry out my first priority.
I have the courage to withstand anyone's disapproval or push back.
How do you change from A to B? That depends how badly you want the change. If you want it badly enough, you will take the many good advice that others have offered you. And I really hope you do before YOU allow your mother to destroy you, your family and your marriage.
You said it all by saying that it is better to be motherless!
Sweetheart, your mother DOES understand. She understands that you are defying her. Gently or downright brutally, in whatever way you try to tell her that you are not going to sacrifice everything you have to her wants and whims, she is going to be mad and she is going to try to hurt and frighten you. As far as she's concerned, your choice is between eager obedience or death-to-her.
Fortunately, she is not the world's only decision-maker; and although she can hurt you emotionally and frighten you in various ways, you are not helpless and you can defend yourself very effectively without hurting her back. The fact that she doesn't recognise the myriad alternative choices available to you does not make those choices any less possible. But boy! - do you have a way to go.
Has anyone ever talked about boundaries to you?
You are a grown woman, with a husband and children, and a life of your own. You must now act like the adult and put mom in her place and quit allowing her to run your life. I'm shocked your husband has put up with it this long. I can't imagine he will much longer though. You MUST put your husband and children first, and tell your mom that you're taking your life back, and that it doesn't include her living with you. She's going to have to figure out how to live her life on her own or with your dad, and with no financial help from you or your sister. She's only 60 years old, for crying out loud. That is young by today's standards. You best nip this nonsense now, as she could live for another 40 years, and surely you don't want to deal with this for that many more years do you? Only you can make the changes necessary in this dysfunctional situation, and I hope for your husband and children's sake you will. Best wishes.
"My mother is living with us and craps on the floor and screams at my whole family. My kids have to sleep outside because she runs the house. We give her our paychecks every week. She insists on driving and wrecked our car. My husband is miserable. She yells how much she hates us. She won't go to a doctor. She eats all our food. She hates our pets. She's making our lives hell and we're going broke. I'm so miserable and tired, please help!!!"
People reply with solutions, such as placement, hiring help, therapy, having a sit-down talk, setting boundaries.
And 9 times out of 10?: "Oh, I just can't place her in a home or assisted living. I'd feel sooo guilty and it would make her mad! She might yell or hate me. I don't really need help. We just need to keep prayed up! Maybe later we'll think about it. I don't want to upset her. I don't know. We'll just keep suffering. Thanks everyone!"
I know that you think that you have some entitlement from me and I am sorry that you feel that way, because you are NOT entitled to hijack my life. So we expect that you will be gone by the (insert date).
We look forward to enjoying family gatherings and holidays with you and wish you all the best.
Love,
your grown woman daughter.
You need to stop being a child with her. You are a wife and a mother, you need to get over feeling like she is your boss. You have every right to move her out and put boundaries in place. If she chooses to throw a tantrum, then let her but, it shouldn't change anything for you.
I am thinking that she takes the cake for audacity.
Time to stand up and put your foot down with this manipulative, petty woman.
You do not give her one cent more. Tell her that, too.
You do not explain. You have done that already. That has gotten you nowhere.
She will be angry. You will live through it, and come out the other side.
Save your marriage and your sanity.
Do it now, or you will do it down the road, when it will have gotten worse.
Your choice.
Why on earth do you think you should be gentle to someone with no boundaries who is attempting to run and ruin your life and your marriage?
"Mom, you will have to make arrangements to live elsewhere starting June 1. No, I will not discuss this. Crying and screaming will not change my mind".
So she gets mad. So what?
What is the downside to her being angry?
Your mother very effectively manipulating you. Would you like some help in managing this situation?
There is a book called Boundries by Townsend and Cloud. It is a great place to start.
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