He does not seem to care about being involved in her care or safety. His name is not on the house deed so he turns a blind eye to upkeep and cleanliness. My mother has dementia and gets angry and defensive when my sister and I try to help clean up her house or help with her medications. We have established care with a geriatrician and neurologist already.
Mother's Husband (Step-Father if you call him that) may be quite overwhelmed.
Neglect can also stem from not knowing what to do...
Many of his gen (not all of course) had their me-yard, woman-house work roles & stayed in their lanes. If so, he may or may not see the housework needs doing but regardless, may not WANT to take on any of 'her work'. Plus, she may be quite firm in keeping him out of 'her work'.
Another issue is he could be frozen scared about what he is going to do. When it gets worse. When he can't cope. If Mom has to move into care - his name not on the house so where would he go?
I'm thinking an Elder Home Assessment Service could somehow be introduced. To help both of them. Or if they have a faith, a church, temple, synogue leader. A trusted party to open the way for discussions on the future. What do they want? What is possible..? Sometimes with refusal of home services, moving into a care setting happens faster.
It may even be they both could move to Assisted Living, or him to Independent, she to a Memory Care room in the same place.
Definately a good idea to look at the big picture & consider all angles.
I've been told similar re Guardianships.. lengthy process, costly & may really damage relationships. But also that they are needed sometimes.
1) If you are guardian, you cannot force H to do hands on care work or house work himself.
2) If you are guardian, you can hire in-home carers and use M’s money to pay them. You are the employer. However if neither H nor M want them there, if they lock them out or try to make them go away, it’s going to be difficult for carers to improve M’s care. Probably not workable.
3) If you are guardian, you can potentially remove M from the house and force her into a facility. You can also work on removing H from the house. As it is in M’s name, you could then sell it. However if this is what you want to do, you are more or less guaranteeing that your guardianship application will be opposed vigorously by H, and quite possibly by M if she gets a chance to speak up in court. Lots of your money, lots of your time.
I once years ago applied for the job of chair of our state’s Guardianship Board. I didn’t get the job (now very glad about that), but I know enough about it to see more pitfalls in this than are nice to contemplate. And that is even IF you get a Guardianship order. Think carefully about the risk to most of your family relationships, as well as spending money on lawyers like me (except that this is free legal advice). Yours, Margaret
How we do things around the house depends on how we were brought up. Even though I am a female, my Dad started showing me how to fix things as soon as I could open the tool box. On the other side of the coin, my Mom never taught me how to cook, clean, or even use a washing machine.
Once I got married, it was trial and error, with a lot of errors. We moved to a house, I moved in my tool box, and he was tool boxless. It wasn't until then that I found out he would have a blank expression regarding fixing things.
Plus you need to put yourself into your Step-dad's shoes. This isn't the retirement he had planned. The love of his life is starting to fade away due to dementia. He probably is angry at the world because of these things. And if he tries to help, have you seen your Mom snap at him? Bet she does when you are not around.
I would just play it by ear for awhile.
Do you know where your care boundaries are? You and your sister will begin to orbit around your Mom in ways that you cannot now imagine. Therefore, maybe consider other solutions before things reach a crisis level with her. Also, you/your sister should not be paying for any of her care as this will be unsustainable and very detrimental to your own future and care needs.
Does SD have adult children from a prior relationship? If so, it may be fruitful to have a conversation with them so that everyone can discuss who is going to do what as care needs increase.
Maybe if u got Mom involved in cleaning she may be more apt to allow it. Like "Mom, lets do dishes, I will wash, u can dry". "Mom you dust and I'll run the sweeper. Those Swifer dusters are easy to use. Maybe get SD to take her out for a ride and you do basic cleaning. If SD has no health problems, he should be able to maintain. When he gets a shower, no reason he can't do a quick wipe down. Clorox Wipes are great for that. He gets a plate dirty, he washes it. There are those little sponges with a handle that you put soap in for quick clean ups. He should be able to do laundry. You should not disable him.
I suggest (strongly) that the Attorney is an Elder Care Attorney.
You may have to prove that your moms husband (I am assuming your step-father) is not properly caring for mom and not making proper decisions as to her health care and her financial matters.
FYI coming in and trying to clean someone's house can be a bit much. It is how it is done, how you approach it.
Imagine what it would be like if she came into your house and tried to do the same.
Hoarding is common with dementia and it is tough to deal with, difficult to clear up.