How to get my grandmother-in-law to move out?

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How to get my grandmother-in-law to move out?

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My grandmother-in-law was being evicted this past January, my husband refused to let her go to a homeless shelter and posed the question of her moving in with us. However, this meant I had less than 12 hours to decide if she could and he was not willing to discuss any future issues that could arise or other options. So, she moved in and has been with us for 3 months now. We have two kids 4 and 2 and another on the way due next month. We also have 2 dogs (which she hates). She walks around my house with a knife in her hand to "protect" herself from the dogs (who have NEVER done anything to anyone). She has already raised her fist at my youngest son because she thought it was the dog touching her. She lets them run away on a constant basis. Plus, my husband thinks she can watch my kids while we are gone, which means they are essentially not monitored or only allowed to watch TV for the majority of the day. She eats way more than she puts in, increased our electric bill by 200 because she doesn't know how to shut anything off, and can never afford the "rent" we ask for to help out. On top of everything else, she is dirty. She leaves trash and dirty dishes everywhere, including on the floor. She makes a mess in the bathroom, doesn't clean behind herself in the kitchen even so much as to wipe the counters. Everyday I come home to something broken and a disaster.

I have been trying to get my husband to realize I am stressed. I dread coming home and frankly wouldn't if my kids weren't here. I hate being gone over 12 hours and have to come home to clean up after a grown woman. Then my husband spends hours outside or in her room talking with her instead of spending time with our family. I have the summer off and need her gone by the time I am home all day with her and have a new baby. I want to feel like it is my house again and not her's and my husband's. I want to have a place I can go to relax and not be bothered. My husband however, tells me that I am incredibly selfish for wanting her to move out and that I need to consider his feelings. He also said if I want her to move out, I have to find her another place to stay. I have to be the one to talk to her because he refuses.

I am at such a loss! I feel miserable and I don't know how to get rid of her without my husband resenting me, but I know I can barely manage to make it through another month with her here. Please help!!

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Wow!!! I hope once upon a time someone loved this woman. No mention of her age or her mental state. It is obvious her mental state is not how it should be. I would have you and your husband obtain a POA for her. I would have her checked mentally and physically. No mention how long she has lived at her home prior to eviction. No consideration her world has been uprooted and she was forced to live with you. She has lived with you over two months and a handful of incidents would seem normal while everyone acclimates to the new living arrangements. This woman is a person not a nuisance. Little consideration that hormones are running a muck being pregnant, along with two other small children. I find it difficult one elderly woman can cause utility bill to increase $200 a month. I think you need to breathe and figure this out. Personally I would rather live in a shelter then to ...

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So carrying a knife to keep the dogs away is appropriate?

A woman daily leaving messes for a very pregnant mother of a 2 and 4 year old should be considered okay?

Having her hijack husband every evening so he has no time with his children is good behavior?

Obviously the OP cared, she let her move in, she just didn't expect her house to turn in grandma's house and her be the servant to this inconsiderate woman.

By the way, you don't get evicted for nothing and it doesn't happen in 12 hours. She chose not to say anything to these young people until she was sure they had no choice but to let her move in. That is manipulation and reason enough for anyone to get the conniving old hag out of their home.

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Nikki0915 carefulmom seems to have good ideas. My one question is where are you for 12 hours? Does that mean you are working plus procrastinating before going home? Is he insisting you keep the grandmother there for babysitting? Any of the above is more then you should have to take. The social worker as mothers helper because you are too stressed sounds doable and would document your points if you warn her what you feel are the problems. She should be knowledgeable enough to know that grandmom might behave for a day if she feels threatened, but I would start keeping an honest log with pictures if you can manage. Talk to your doctor too

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Granny needs to go off to a nursing home!

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First of all, I would STOP the walking around the house with a knife! Second if she is THAT scared of the dogs then I wouldnt trust her alone with the kids and the dogs and a knife in her hand all the time!
If she already has raised her hand to your child thinking it was the dog, thats a VERY VERY dangerous situation.
It sounds like she needs mental help also besides being a slob!

I would start contacting your state AHCCCS program to see if they can help you put her somewhere. Find out who handles that sort of thing in your state. Contact a social worker and fill out papers to put her somewhere. Contact your local “agency on aging” dept. Tell them you are in a dire situation and need help NOW!
You are in a dangerous situation!

Your husband needs to understand that she may make a mistake one day with the knife thinking its the dog and its YOUR CHILD!!

Her stabbing your poor dog with the knife would be horrible but her mistakenly stabbing your child with the knife because she thought it was the dog, would be tragic!

Get that knife out of her hands! Lock them up! One day you might be sorry you didnt.

(I finally got my husband to find a place for my father in law who lives with us. I told hubby “Its him or me!”
”I cant live this way anymore!”
He saw me packing a bag one day and got scared. Sometimes they need a visual and to be told the consequences before they realize they need to pull their head out of the sand and stop ignoring the problem.)

Good Luck and prayers for you

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A girl I used to work with had her dog get stabbed some 30 years ago by a crazy neighbor. The girl nearly had a nervous breakdown because two years earlier, she had a stillborn daughter. The girl's dog was just as beautiful as could be, and the dog was a sweetie. I think the girl has gotten herself another dog to play with, and she's OK now. I'd see the girl in passing but I really did not consider her a friend, and we were in different departments.

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Niki0915; HELLO! WOW! No offence but this sounda like the sitcom George Lopez ,when his moms house burnt down .Sorry for that comment...But your husband sounds like a sweet wonderful man that is very faithful to his family you will always have this man by your side and he will always be there for your children The 1st thing to do is hide all your knives all of them and I'd tell grandma that is unacceptable nobody carries a knife around!!! And how old is she ? What kind of a place evicted her ?does she have dementia ? Is she on public aide? Is she capable of watching a 2& 4 year old?? thats a handful.My mom is 76 and handicapped but never ever be capable of babysitting kids of that age sounds like shes not a animal person I have animals that I love dearly. sounds like shes got dementia to me ....if she doesn't have public aide she needs to get it. and then maybe you can look into other places for her to live ,but if she has dementia she cant be alone for long.Your husband is a faithful grandson please dont be angry with him because this is the hand he was dealt just work together to deal with this God won't give you more than you can handel !!

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"God won't give you more than you can handel" Really???????

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File for Medicaid and get her into an assisted care facility. ASAP! This requires full examination by professionals that should convince your husband of his grandmother’s mental state. If you husband does not understand how this is ruining your lives, get rid of him to! You don’t need or deserve this!
Plan B would involve having your husband walk in your shoes for a week. Let HIM take care of the kids and her while you find peace somewhere else. That should convince him. If not, get the heck out of your marriage! It’s not worth your happiness!

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Contact Department on Aging in your state. Tell them she has 30 days left in your residence and she needs to be placed in low income/senior housing immediately. Let your husband know that you will find assistance for you, your kids, and new baby if he doesn't step in and MAN UP. This is no time for you to be fighting, and her issue is not YOUR issue. Are his parents alive? Why don't they take care of it?

Good luck to you.

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Oh, I hope this can happen quickly but most list at low income senior housing takes several months to years.

But yes, this dirty old woman needs to go somewhere she can be medicated and not have access to knives..or dogs...or kids. Yikes!

Have a good day!

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The person that suggested that dogs are nasty and shouldn’t be in your house and rambled on about “the dogs” Is totally focused on the wrong issue. I find it despicable that she made the comments about your family before this woman came into your home. It sounds like things were fine before her arrival. Obviously she is not an animal lover!

It sounds to me that you’re afraid to present these options (that have been suggested ) to your husband. No one knows your situation better than you. It’s
Your grandmother in law walking around with a knife that is serious enough to call her primary care doctor so he can send the department of aging to do an in-home evaluation. It’s not as easy as people are saying to put someone out on the street. Believe me! I’m taking care of two parents both of which have dementia and are very very unreasonable. I have two dogs that I treat like my own children whom I love dearly that I would never consider getting rid of. I also watch my granddaughter four days a week.

Bottom line:

Get the responsibility off of your shoulders by calling her primary care doctor. Request an in-home assessment. Explain the situation. He will then send the proper professionals to observe and determine the best solution for her. If there is not a power of attorney in place, you could give the doctor permission to make the proper decisions for her.

I can see this has put you in the middle, You feel stuck and you feel helpless. It sounds like you had a very happy home before this woman came. You absolutely cannot risk the safety of your children or your dogs especially with a person walking around with a knife that will strike at any time! You will be in my prayers often. Please, please call her primary care doctor or the department of aging in your town.

Ps. Your husband is not acting like your husband right now. He should be doing everything in his power to protect you and the children. I don’t know why men tend to run away or turn their heads during these situations. I’m begging you to stand your ground. Don’t be afraid to speak the truth to your husband making sure you are clear and you fear for your children, pets, yourself.

*Your marriage simply will not survive*

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I just thought of something. Tell your gyn/ob what is going on. See if you can get a note to judge explaining why you need her out of the house, and why you are stressed. Something like this may be big enough where she gets removed from the house. But also let the judge and police know you want her taken to AL or nursing home so she is not on street. If anyone in husband's family mad at you, well, no one else took her in. He gets mad at you, well, you and children first. A lot easier said than done, of course.
To those who wonders if grandma has kids, maybe she does and they have their honest reasons for not taking her in.

I say this because once my bf had a friend of someone to be removed from his house via his doctor. He went to take this paper from the doctor to court, saying this lady is a threat to his health and she had to go.

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Carefulmom is absolutely correct about what God said!

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You have to get tough...it is your life and sanity as well as the safety of your children at stake here. This is how I handled my husband wanting to bring his mother and his daughter and two grand children in because my dad was living with us. My dad has his own home and it was to be temporary. I told my spouse point blank I would not care for his mother and as for my step daughter she doesn't like me as her mother who was the cheating one told the children so many lies...she and the grandchildren could not move in. I would divorce him and sell the house and then he can go live with his mother, daughter and grandchildren. Tell your spouse that you are stressed and with another child on the way it is not fair to you to have to be cleaning up behind his grandmother. Make a list of all the things she does. It is your home not hers and you have more rights to the home than anyone else! She is dirty...that is definitely a no, no situation...she is not in any position to watch your kids. You need to be stress free especially with another child on the way. Talk with him, let him realize and understand what is happening...if all else fails, then you have a very serious decision to make!

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Your husband may be at wits end, too, and just feel trapped by family obligation. If grandma has the resources, go find a senior apartment for her and move her in or tell her she’s out on the street. If she has no money, call your County’s office for aging. They can give you a list of subsidized senior housing.
Sit down with your husband to create a plan to get her out of your house before your marriage is irreparably damaged. It’s an emergency.

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I agree very much about the husband's feeling under duress, I'm sure you're right.

Unfortunately Grandma sounds like a bit more than a handful as a tenant - previous eviction, choice between homeless shelter or OP's house, plus a whole kaleidoscope of behavioural symptoms :( I personally feel the OP would do best to leave her husband out of it and go direct to the professionals. Emergency is the word!

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And another thing - this stress is not good for you or your new baby / your husband is being incredibly unfair to you but if I were you - find her something quickly and tell her - “I found you a wonderful new place where my dogs won’t bother you”
good luck

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Your kids are your number one priority. They have no other voice than yours.

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I'd tell him that if Grandma isn't out of there by the end of the week, then me and the kids will be. No ifs, ands or buts. His Grandma, his problem.

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Is grandma serving as caregiver/babysitter for your kids. This is not a solution to paying for daycare and does not sound safe for your kids or dogs.

Grandma needs to go, one way or the other.

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You are about to have 3 children under 4 - that is stressful enough ! Your husband should be treating you as a queen not a maid - you need to tell him how unfair this is to you - and sometimes if you need to - be the one who finds her somewhere else to live / try senior living places or old age apartments- she needs to be gone ! Why is it your husbands lot in life to look after her? Good luck sweetie- please let us know how you work this out

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Ignore the person who said their Mother comes first. Wasn't it GOD who said a man is to leave his father and mother and cling to his WIFE? Wasn't it GOD who also said "I Hate Divorce" and all the horrible things it does to a marriage and family. The MARRIAGE comes FIRST, so that other person who made the nasty comment is not worth listening to.
Someone is going to call the police with a tip about your in-law running around with a knife. In the meantime, if your husband is not going to respond, you need to tell him you're getting "help". Then have a 3rd party, possibly a social worker or someone who will come in to 'help' you clean house while they are observing then start writing their report the incidents protection services and try to help you find assistance. Don't leave - yet. It doesn't cost to have a social worker to come in. They can tip off the police, scare the HE double hockey sticks out of your in-law and husband for this matter. OR... if you take you and your kids to a shelter do you think it would alarm your husband and nock some sense in him? You need several options to work with. My prayers are with you.

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Carefulmom, exactly! Exactly! God does make spouse first and children, and He does hate divorce!
Thought it may mention wives submitting to husbands, but husbands are to love their wives like Christ loves His Church and died for it.
Your family no longer is first priority once you are married. I'm not saying you cannot be there, but if spouse has legit concerns, to not push them aside. Bummer she cannot put up a video monitor hiding somewhere, even of it is old cell phone that is smart phone, or can she?
Whoever said stress is bad for the baby, absolutely! And stressed mom, and the stress can get taken out on kids who cannot defends themselves, so they are stuck.

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I'd give my husband a week or two to get his grandmother out. If he didn't I'd take the two kids and my pregnant self, go live someplace else and proceed with a divorce. Who needs a husband like that?

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I couldn't imagine being in your situation, but I know I would do everything I could to get her out of my home.Does she scare your children? She sounds very scary and they should not have to live like that. Would it be possible to reason with your husband? Because I think that is your only hope.Start looking for a place for her, and see if she can get medicaid.
Good luck.

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You guys could probably use a mother/daughter house, where grandma sleeps in her own separate space. This is the healthiest way.
Important to set boundaries even though your husband wants to make all the rules. Put your foot down and let them both know what you want and want needs to be done to bring harmony for you in your house. This is suppose to be your safe haven and grandma and your husband need to see this. Have a good talk with him, set boundaries even if he does not like it, and change things around.

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You have to remember that is his mom (that is, close to her like a mum), and if he loves her like a mum--a homeless shelter is out of the question. Why do you have several dogs running around the house with children including you are pregnant. Kids are kids; children naturally dirty up the house, and dogs can be vicious, nasty animals. Who watches them while you are away? Dogs are nasty, bring fleas in the home, and can defecate and urinate all over the place. This poses a danger to your children. If they are pit bulls they can be unpredictable and have been known to kill children and babies (look it up--it's on the news all the time). The guy who services my air conditioning system told me some homes are so nasty due to dogs in the house, with piles of feces and kids going into it, he had to call child protective services. Even one dog in the house is *nasty*.

All I can say is that your living situation sounds like a mess, and I would get rid of those dogs instead of his mom. Sometimes children can tease dogs like bite their tails or pull on them that can make them vicious.

Children MUST be supervised around pets.

IF his mom has mental health issues..is that safe for your kids? She needs help. Not be thrown out on the streets.

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Read the letter--it is his grandmother, who is walking around with knives. Her husband isn't on her side and she has two kids and a third on the way.

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Is there somwhere you can go with your children for the time being? A family member's home? If your husband is on his own to care for her he might come to his senses. Did you have childcare before grandmom moved in? If so, please use this again. She may be a danger to your children if she is unbalanced.

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There are so many differing answers here I hesitate to add mine to the pile. After reading through and thinking it over, what you have here is a classic power struggle. He holds the power but you want to get your power back. He’s making the mess he created into something you need to do something about. This is not healthy in a marriage which I’m sure you know. Get thee to a counselor if for no other reason then to have it on record what the situation is at home.
I would make a list for hubby and tell him what his job is in terms of cleaning up after his grandmother as you will no longer do it.
You don’t say why she was evicted but it’s possible there is section 8 housing or low income housing for seniors she can afford. But to put this in your plate is mean spirited of your husband. Being married is being a team, and he is not on your side. An objective counselor could help him realize the issues. In the meantime, hide all knives and do not leave the children with her. If you see her threaten anyone call 911.
Im so sorry you are dealing with this. Your husband is showing his true colors and unless he wants to be paying child support with visitation rights, he needs to step up and out you and the kids first.

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Most sensible answer iv read yet....it’s easy to give advice if your not or never have been in a situation like this....some of these replies are utterly ridiculous!!! Thank you @Harpcat for being there with some common sense!

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Dear Nikki, God bless your heart!
i cannot imagine being pregnant with two toddlers and dealing with such situation.

Your husband is not being considerate. Who is the selfish one?
it is not your responsibility to care for his grandmother. Let him clean after her, that may help him reconsider.

Does he have parents? Why isn’t the grandmother with one of her children?

You need to be strong and think all about all that lies ahead for you and your family and drive your husband to make the right decision for you and your family.

Best of luck

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Im gonna play devils advocate a little here. So husband brings grandma in. She pigs up the place. You come home to a mess and clean it. Then go take care of kids, meals, baths etc. So husb comes home and everything seems fine. Do you go look for the dogs when she lets them loose? Do you take her knife away?
You have to either stay away so husb comes home to clean up the mess everyday without fail. Or you leave it as is. No matter how gross. Done. You no longer see it. What mess?

Your job is to take care of kids. He is now responsible for her. Period. Hes a guy. As long as he isnt put out by her behavior, its not going to effect him. He didnt care how it effected you. He also might have family thanking him, telling him hes a hero. Or guilting him into keeping her, so they dont have to get involved. Probably both. Their not gonna take her. Hes feeling guilty. Thats why he took her.

Youve taken on too much. You need to change. Now.
Guess what? Doc told you to rest now. Cant clean, cant bend over. Must come home and put feet up. Im serious. Let him clean up, get dinner for everyone, baths ready, laundry etc. You are now in late stages of pregnancy. Your done. Doc says no stress. Harmful for you and baby. Which it is! So you make sure you have no stress. Cant have it. Let it all fall on him. Let him get a taste of what your going thru. Go in bedroom with kids. Watch tv relax. Dont worry about dinner, dogs getting put out. Nothing. Now he will see things differently. No begging, whining, cajoling, arguing etc. Calm only.
Your on strike. Dont tell him that!!! Just flip the script. He comes home and takes care of it all. Your on hiatus. Stop taking care of grandma! Not your job! Its been his job and you took over. STOP IT!!!!! Not one cup, mess, napkin. Nothing. Let it pile up and go to #@#$. And it will but too bad. Thats what you need to do so hes sees and HE has to deal with it. Your not allowed to have stress. Things will change when HE is inconvenienced. Do not feel guilty and fold or you will be back to square one. Stay the course. After baby comes you have that to deal with so you still dont clean up. Dont do it. You just have to wait it out. It will change when he cant come home and relax. Just put on rose color glasses. Let the mess pile up. He will hate coming home to that, so will do something about it. If the mess looks gross take a walk, get in the car and take a drive. Id leave him with the kids too. Cant have stress gotta go. Be back when I destress. Dump it in his lap. Act nonchalant about it too. If he asks, you cant have stress. Act innocent. Never say you did it on purpose. Docs orders. He will change quick. I give it 2 weeks before it changes. Hes gotta see how it really is. Id call adult protective services or police if she pulls knife on kids tho. Just 1x. Shes not dealing in reality and neither is he for thinking its not that bad. If they take her. He deals with it. You dont step up to deal with it. No more stress.

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But she would need to talk to doc and have that written out, after she explains what is up, so she does not get caught fibbing.

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She needs to move on. People staying in someone else's home should not try to take over. My daughter's mother in law did the same thing. It was hell for them and they finally got her into a subsided apartment where someone came in to see she bathed and cleaned her place for her.
My mother lives with me and is nasty, surly, mean and ungrateful. I'd never ever have took her in given it to do over. Don't feel guilty over ornery old people. They were probably that way their entire life. Getting old doesn't give them a free pass to be complete jerks. Hubby needs to realize his own family should be his priority. She has already lived her life, and needs to stop ruining your family.

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Just wondering why you don't get your mom subsidized housing and someone to help her rather than live with you?

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Well can u afford to get a caregiver or housekeeper to come for a few hours a day to help tidy up? Also have you spoken to her about all these issues?Does she have any kind of illness?I realize it is difficult having an aging parent living with you but could you live with yourself if u threw her out without options? Have you looked into senior housing? Put her on the list somewhere.Tell her it's getting to be too much.Tell her you will help her find a new place.Could you afford to pay for a small studio for her?

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Sorry but you fail to remember she is HIS GRANDMOTHER not hers. Why should she in her pregnant state be saddled with doing ALL this extra stuff???? WHY???? No it is his responsibility and if he doesn't step up, then she should consider stepping off with her kids. He is a horrible human being!

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Nikki

please get out of there
do you have family or friends to help in the short term

do you think your husband has done this to get you out of the house and his life?
i don’t wish to be rude but he sounds like a complete d*ck

get some legal advice. Move him and his grandmother out or move yourself

sorry but it seems to me like tag team wrestling

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Nikki, thanks so much for checking back in. I agree with others that you may need to call 911 or go to a women's shelter but in case it's helpful, here is a link to Muskegon County's Area Agency on Aging:

https://seniorresourceswmi.org/resources/

From their website:

"Tell us your story. . . We're here to help.

Call one of our trained Options Counselors: (231) 733-3585 or 1-800-442-0054 . . .

We will listen to your unique life situation, present options, and help guide you to information and resources. We can help with eligibility for government supported programs, application processes, options for long-term care services, and we can serve as a neutral source for aging-related information."

I see from the website that the phone line is open Monday-Friday, 8 AM to 4 PM.

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You know, I am sorry that her son is in jail. Still not yours/husband’s responsibility to take grandma in.

She flat out needs to go or you do with the kids.

I guarntee if I went to jail, my kids would/could not take in my mom, nor would I want them to.

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Nikki, family is family, so you can't differentiate.

Does that mean all the female relatives on his side of the family carry knives around and are complete slobs? Just curious.

I would put my foot down about you having to clean up after little miss piggy, she is so flipping wonderful, have at grandson because you want her here, you get to deal with all the work she creates.

I have no patience with pigs, I would traumatize the old bag for leaving MY HOUSE a pigsty. What kind of house guest does that. Don't answer, it's rhetorical.

Do you have anyone that can and will help you? This situation will not get better, she has already set him and you at odds, she feels like wonder woman and who knows what she will pull next.

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ITRR, Yeah too exhausting for her to clean! She shouldn’t even have to think about cleaning after her. What kind of example for the kids too? So sad.

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How to get my grandmother-in-law to move out?

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