I did a search and found topics about this but I wanted to hear from some recent situations.
My dad has been in a facility for a month. He started complaining after the first week. This is nothing new because he did this when he was in rehab. His new place is great and so was rehab. I understand that sometimes there are people who do not do their jobs but he expects the staff to come immediately and address his concerns, For example, he said they brought his breakfast too early. Well, then when he was ready for it, he had to wait and he got mad. He has already filed a complaint against one of the workers because he said she made him wait too long for assistance in the bathroom. I'm not saying he is lying but I know my father. My fear is that he will cause so much trouble that they will say he can no longer stay which is what I think his goal is.
Don't worry about it.
Don't borrow trouble until it's dropped on your doorstep.
I do tend to borrow trouble but I know I need to just "chill". :)
Otherwise, time for ping pong.
Every complaint he makes: PING. You hit back to him: PONG.
"Yes Dad, that's no good.
What are you going to do about that?"
I agree. If he was asked to leave, he would have to go elsewhere because I'm not able physically or mentally. I remember you telling me about ping pong before. I use this, and it has worked. :)
He may be complaining , but yet when you are not there, he may actually be ok.
What I do- sometimes I arrive early, then spy on my dad to see how he is. For the most part, he seems happy, chatting to others at lunch etc.
And, I ask the dining room staff and staff how he is. If they say "he's alright, nothing too much from what we have seen before" , then I dont worry too much
If you are worried that he may get kicked out - tour a couple other places and get on their waitlist....then you have backups in place.
My theory, not proven - you dont want to be in the most popular place. The less popular the place you are in (ideally one that tends to have empty rooms at any given time and no wait for new residents), the less likely to be kicked out! not proven, but that is what I think may be the case......common psychology. Well, my dad has not been kicked out of his not-so-popular place so far!
And he has the largest room that they have.
When I go to visit he seems fine, has made friends and I think that is the issue. He wants to find something wrong because things are going well. I have been researching other places just in case. I just wish this was not so hard. It does not have to be.
Ignore as much as you can . He wants to get a rise out of you . Don’t give him an audience .
My mother and father in law were similar . These facilities are used to the complaints , and manipulation .
Try not to worry about it .
It’s only a month , he’s still adjusting .
I definitely try to ignore because he is in the best place. He has everything he needs under one roof! It is a true blessing!
Seems like Dad will never be satisfied. He is a miserable man and I would tell him that. Tell him he is where he needs to be and he needs to make the best of whats left of his life. People will do much more for pleasant people who can smile. Its not your fault Dad has health problems and not his. He needs to make the best of it. He has more to do in the AL than sitting alone at home.
I can just imagine how my MIL would have been like in an AL. B******g to her son but all sweet to the aides. MIL was passive-aggressive with a personality disorder. She liked things her way. But she learned early on that you attract more bees with honey than vinegar and she used that to her advantage. When she did not get her way, she could be nasty.
He can not get in and out of bed alone. But, I'm thinking that when they came to help him get up, he may told them he was not ready to get up so they brought breakfast to the room. I could be wrong, but he did something similar before when he was in the swing bed. He definitely has a personality disorder. You are right, he has many things to do there and it is better thatn sitting at home.
Many people do great in AL until their family shows up or calls. Then the complaining starts or the begging and demanding to go home.
Here is what you should tell your father when he starts up with the incessant complaining.
Do quote Rhett Butler in the most classic and gorgeous film 'Gone With The Wind'.
-Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
Then walk away or hang up the phone.
Let him know that if he blows it at he AL with the constant complaining and trying to cause trouble the next stop is a nursing home. Assisted Living is WAY better.
Ignore his complaining. It will be fine.
He talks about the workers daily. He did the same thing when was in the swing bed. I just listen and redirect. I remind him that he has already said that he does not want to go back to the nursing home.
I also think us caregivers have spoiled the ones we caregiver at home so badly, to make them happy, to keep the peace. They don't have a clue how lucky they are to get the help we give them at home.
They want breakfast, when they want it!!
Good luck with your dad try not to worry, and have so much needed, rest , peace and some fun too
I'm definitely trying to get much needed rest. I've been trying to take care of him for 20 years and as caregivers, we do tend to spoil them but I know we all try to the right thing when it comes to our parents for as long as we can.
I would tell him as much and stop listening to him vent and complain, it's pointless and just feeds his narcissism and horrible personality.
He is not a nice person, never has been, never will be.
I don't know why you continue to communicate with him and haven't cut ALL ties with him at this point since he is finally in a facility and you can finally be free of this albatross around your neck.
I mean seriously he refused his breakfast because it wasn't served to him at the time he wanted and then was mad because he had to wait for another breakfast to be brought to him. He is NOT a king and this is not his kingdom. You didn't do him any favors by jumping at his every command when you chose to take care of this insufferable blow hard and now he has to learn that he is not the only resident in care and when you get served breakfast you eat your breakfast or you might have to wait.
Indulging elders? Why not? They've earned it. They're in the process of shedding their bodies and leaving this world. You might say that they have one foot in this world and one foot in the next.
Shedding those bodies can be painful, frightening, frustrating, overwhelming, you name it. This is what the frail and the old are dealing with every day. Every day they are on the front lines, battling a body that no longer functions the way it once did.
Who can they really talk to about this? Doctors? Nurses? Caretakers? Not really. Most of them are younger than the older person and even with simulation training, they can't really know what it is like to be old. Patience, compassion, is everything. Please, please remember that older people are not children. The words indulging or spoiling are condescending at best. We give them whatever we can and accommodate them whenever we can, because they are in the last stages of life. They are using the last bit of their strength to see another day. Let all of us who are caregivers try to remember this.
Patience and compassion are one thing .
No elder has “ earned the right “ to manipulate , guilt trip , sabotage ( keep firing ) a hired at home caregiver plan, attempt to get kicked out of a care home etc ., to force a child into caregiving, turning another’s life upside down because they are old . Seekerones post is the type of drivel that I was brainwashed with that groomed me to end up in the situation of servitude that I was in .
Bottom line is , we do not make people old. We don’t owe them our entire lives due to their age .
I personally strive to age with grace which seems to be more rare these days .
I would suggest to take a bit of a step back and let the facility handle this. THey probably have experience with handling seniors like this. I would say you only need to worry if they let you know its a concern/ issue.
I also agree with what Waytomisery has posted