Hi all - I’ve seen this discussed, but couldn’t find past threads. Moved Mom into memory care on Friday (she thinks it’s temporary, of course) since she needs oral surgery... this allowed me to do what she pretty much needed at this point anyway.
Where/how can I read, listen, learn, practice - about accepting the bargain of what care she will receive, what won’t be as good as the way I ran things, etc.? Hope I’m asking this question clearly. I went a lot the first few days, checking the meds (at first they messed up!), can see she’s not drinking enough water, listening to her complaints about the food (it IS only passable)..
It’s a fine establishment, they’re only human, she’ll always be unhappy about something, things likely wouldn’t be better anywhere else. Just at that point where I need to let go in some ways, but also monitor and fix what should be fixed, but no more...
We’re not on a long curve here, she’s nearing end of life. Thanks for any pointers on handling my mental state during this change. :)
Lavish praise on the staff whenever possible. If problems come up, say what you DO want and expect rather than pulling them to pieces over what they've got wrong. Focus on what really matters. If there are particular routines that make a small but important difference - e.g., how your mother likes to be helped to eat - demonstrate. If you take treats or little comforts, don't take anything it'll break your heart to lose or have ruined (items go astray, accidents happen). If "extras" - e.g. visits from befriending volunteers, aromatherapy, visiting pet therapy - are offered, say yes: don't assume your mother won't like it if she's never tried it.
Have you set yourself an approximate schedule for visits?
1. No one is going to take care of your loved one as well as you do/did!! I waited on my Mom hand and foot and she was unhappy here too, and I KNEW how she was being treated!
2. Don't visit at the same time every time you go see her - change it up so you "surprise" the staff and get to know each shift.
Best wishes
I am concerned that I will be just changing one set of problems for another. Someone said in another thread that she was upset because people said "You will get your life back now." Not really. My mom could go on for years based on her state at the moment. Sorry, just venting and appreciating the good responses to the original poster's question.
One thing that I did for my dad in the passable food was to buy the condiments that he enjoyed and he was able to cover the not so great items with an item that he enjoyed. I bought them at the dollar store and that saved a ton of money, his favourite thing is Heinz 57 and I was happy with the small bottles that were about 1 week of use, also he had ketchup, mustard, peanut butter and a couple of steak sauces. It cut the complaints to a minimum.
Can I suggest that you prepare a lovely homemade treat and give each shift a thank you for taking care of my mom, a balloon and card with a homemade treat because not many people appreciate how hard they really do work to take care of all the patients they are in charge of caring for. It will make your mom stand out to them and they will be kinder and more attentive to her.
Mostly, take care of you during this time as well, get good nutrition and rest so that you are not feeling overwhelmed. It is easy to see shortcomings when we are exhausted, look for all they do right and acknowledge that everyone is doing the best they can (obviously, if there are real issues they need addressing). And smile, you will be surprised how many people don't, it's not a happy place, but a smile really can change the atmosphere.
I am sorry that you are facing this. I pray that you find peace and comfort during this time and that your mom gets care that pleases you.
Don't become a helicopter caretaker, let her settle in, give the staff time to figure her out, and identify her needs. You are only capable of making one person happy, that is you.
Read up about your sub conscious mind, feed it one positive thought each night before drifting into sleep such as "I will not attempt to fix everything with my mother", eventually your conscious mind will believe this and you will be at peace with that issue, then move onto another. My Best!
Mom has been extremely independent, domineering and capable even up until the last year or two which at 98 years old is amazing - she climbed up the attic access one day last month an got her suitcases down because she is leaving my house to go back to her home... we have a struggle with every step of this journey as Mom fights us at every turn. Your replies suggest you are a professional in this area...thank you!
As long as mom is safe, healthy and cared for - she will be fine.
Medications will be given on a different schedule than you did - large number of clients all needing medications. Food will be blander - large crowd with all kinds of nutrition needs. They will offer food and liquids different than you did. They will offer different types of entertainment.... It will be different for you and mom. As long as she is safe, healthy, and cared for - she will be fine.
Consider why you placed her into memory care - your needs and her needs. Get into a routine that meet your needs, because hers are being met. Make visits to mom more about bringing both of you pleasure.
If Mum is one of those people who chooses to be unhappy there is nothing at all you can do to change her situation. Once you accept that, you will find a degree of peace.
Don't think of the care she is receiving as "won't be as good as the way I ran things...", but a different way from how you ran things. You were one person looking after one person, now there is a team looking after many people.
As you now have some extra time for yourself and you know her death is near, look into nourishing your soul. Seek some counseling, if she is on Hospice ask if they have supports available for you. Our Hospice had counseling, relaxing massage and more available while Step Dad was in the hospital.
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