I am a 75 year old polio survivor disabled with Post Polio Syndrome. I require assistance with many activities of daily living. My sister who manages care for our 94 year old mother who is in skilled nursing care resents me that I've had to stop helping take mom to appointments, etc. She frequently expresses her resentment toward me. My husband is my caregiver now and I cannot volunteer him to care for my mom as sister suggests.
Husband's family has for years used us as their 'hotel' since we are between their homes and trips South. How to tell these family members to stop asking. Stop asking me to take mom to doctor when I cannot walk far myself. Stop asking to stay at our house when I can't cook or clean regularly for us. They don't seem to want to accept that I'm not available nor is my husband. Not the way we want it but the way it is. Suggestions?
Give no reasons, nor explanations.
You have given valid reasons.
Sister & others have choices. They can choose to respect your answer. Or not. They can continue to push to get their way. But this lack of respect has consequences. It can damage your relationship.
I have an in-law like this. I have learnt to simply say No.
When pushed: I say No.
When asked for reasons etc: No.
When asked again I say : I said No.
When asked again I say: I said No (in a little louder voice).
I have even had to add "Maybe you didn't hear me. I'll say it again. Louder. NO".
Then the tactic changed to Don't you want to talk about it? WHY don't you want to talk about it? Relentless.. Arrgghh
So low contact is my approach now. It was either that or a megaphone! 📣
That’s why we keep the 2 spare bedrooms as bedrooms . But we don’t host anyone else . I have full size (double ) beds in my kids old rooms . Comes in handy if DH or I is sick too , and can go to another room .
OP could just tell them she has no beds anymore . If they have the nerve to open bedroom doors for a peek then they aren’t worth visiting with even for an hour .
Don't they have doctors that come into the nursing home for appointments? How many appointments can a 94 year old have that requires this much hands on care from your sister. Maybe it is time sister cut off some of these appointments for your mother.
I would personally cut off all ties with sister because who needs that kind of aggravation in their life at 75 years old. Enough is enough.
His family that visits...be honest, you would love to see them but you can only offer them a bed and bath. They may have to make their own bed. Meals will have to either be eaten out or ordered in. You just can't do it anymore. We have relatives that use us as a stopping point between the South and the North. We did chinese one time. Everyone picked their favorite and we had Smorgasbord. Paper plates, paper cups and plastic. I even had a SIL bring her own coffee pot because we don't drink it. Do not deprive yourself of seeing these people. Is your home really that bad? I use alot of Swiffer products. Sometimes a good sweeping, dusting and wipe down is enough. My Mom always said "If they are good friends, they are here to see you, not your house" I think on the whole people will understand. I had a cousin with MS. She was having company flying in from Wyoming. Mom and I went over and did a quick clean. Made up the beds.
Your mother is in a SNF there really should not be the need for doctor visits. There are RNs, LPNs and aides that are caring for Mom. An MD associated with the SNF. Moms NH had 3 MDs and I was able to pick one out of the 3. There were no doctors she had to see. She was stable with her Thyroid the NH doctor could test her to see if there were any changes. Mom gets 3 meals a day. Her laundry done. Toiletries are provided. The only thing she may need is clothes. If Mom has Dementia then Sis does not have to visit everyday and when she does an hour or less is enough. Sis is probably putting more burden on herself than she needs to. And thats not your problem.
Agree. Not your fault either.
Sister may be stuck by her own thoughts: of 'Family Only' must help.
Her first task may be to update her thinking to : Family PLUS Non-Family can help. Second task will be to arrange that extra help.
Sister has Mother in a SNF facility, so she can shove it. Why can't she drive her?The facility should be arranging the Doctor rides anyway.
Let the family freeloader calls go to Voice Mail. Pick out a few budget motels in the area and get prices and numbers. Have hubby tell them, "Our house cannot be a motel anymore, its too much work for us both, all the cooking and cleaning, after doing it for X years. No exceptions. You can stay at the nearby Holiday Inn for $80 a night, the number is (800) 000-0000. We can meet for drinks or dinner at their restaurant, once you make your reservations."
By coming right out and telling them a plain and simple 'NO'.
You don't have to take mom to doctor's appointments from a nursing home. It's the responsibility of the nursing home to make sure her medical needs are met. This is why they're getting thousands of dollars a month for her care. I also want to say that you have my respect for not 'volunteering' your husband to do caregiving for your mother.
As for your sister and your husband's family, tell them to shove it where the sun don't shine, sister. You don't owe them anything. Tell your sister to hire a caregiver to take mom to appointments if she can't and tell your husband's family to find hotel because there's no vacancy at your place anymore. My guess is these people are also likley freeloaders who don't offer a cent or help out in any way when they stay at your place. Hell no.
If taking mom to the doctor is getting more than your sister can manage then maybe it is time to figure out if the doctor appointments can either be discontinued or cut back. And is cutting back or discontinuing them going to adversely effect mom and if so maybe a doctor that will make calls to the facility. (Or is Hospice an option?)
As to your husbands family that use your place as the Wayside Inn...
This is on him.
If it it more than he can manage then it is up to him to say..."Guys as much as we like seeing you we can no longer host the visits. If you still want to stop and visit we would love to see you but you will have to make reservations at the Inn in town. And we can get together for dinner, there is a great Italian restaurant we can meet there."
If he does not want to come out and say this then he can host and you can sit back and visit while he makes dinner and when they leave he can change all the bedding, wash and fold the towels....
I am sure his family is well aware of your medical challenges so they should not expect you to do a lot.
(as a matter of fact if I were family and I was foisting myself on relatives I would do all that I could to make myself useful while I was using the house as a stop over. Maybe it is just me I do not think of FAMILY as company so I would expect family to pitch in.)
NO I can't take mom any longer to her appointments.
NO you can no longer stay here with me as it's just too much for me and my husband.
And quit answering your phone when the family calls. Let their calls go to voicemail and only return those calls if it's an actual emergency.
Shame on your family for being so incredibly ignorant of the poor health that you're in and for only thinking about themselves.
And tell your sister to quit making these doctors appointments, as that will make every ones lives much easier. I'm sure your moms facility has a doctor that visits the facility on a regular basis.
So start practicing saying the word NO. Once you get used to it, you'll find that you really like it.
once the pattern of abuse, use, rinse and repeat is set by your giving nature I feel that you can’t just stop the taking of your time energy spirit and soul. People revert or convert to entitled behavior at your expense. unfortunately, we as helping caregivers are responsible in part for this entitlement by virtue of service. It’s a cruel conundrum.
It’s not fair. I wish I could tell you something you don’t already know.
I’m sorry for your suffering.
May you win powerball and fly away somewhere warm sunny quiet and safe from the punishment you’ve endured.
As already mentioned I wonder if some of these doctor visits for your Mom are either something that can be managed by the house physician at the facility , or some of them are able to be less frequent . It’s not always necessary at that age to go to every specialist . Things will not be improved , just maintained to a slower decline.
Your sister: is it possible she is burning out? How often does she take your Mom out for appointments? Are they mostly medical appointments? Maybe offer to help pay for her gas or for an aid to help with these appointments, or talk to her so she can accept that maybe Mom doesn't need to go so often. Help lighten her burden. More details about what she's going out for would be helpful.