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My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 6 years ago. He has shown much progression in the last year and a half. Recently he has been asking about his mother alot. When he talks to his brother he wants to know where she lives so he can visit her. My husband will be 79 in September and obviously she has been gone for quite some time. I tell his brother to change the subject or make someone up like she moved far away. I do the same. Are we doing the right thing by fibbing because I read that if you tell them that their parent passed away they will go thru a grieving process again. Would appreciate some input. Thank you.

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You're doing fine! At this stage of dementia, your husband isn't concerned with truth. He just wants to be reassured and to feel better. Asking about dead relatives is a manifestation of anxiety. No need for him to be anxious when he knows mom will be back soon! Keep up the good work.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Cheeky79 Jul 20, 2024
Thank you.
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Sounds like you’re handling it perfectly to me.
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Reply to ZippyZee
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When my mother with dementia was constantly demanding to speak to her mama and papa, or see them in person, I would come up with excuses like they were out of town, their phone was broken, etc. Then one day, mom looked me in the eye and snarled, "YOU'RE FULL OF SH!$". So I said, "Ok mom, they passed away a very very long time ago, I'm sorry to say." She was sad and surprised to hear that, but it was no big deal to her. My mother was very mean and not sentimental about anyone or anything, truthfully.

This went on for 2 years, the asking for/demanding to see her parents and her siblings (She was the last man standing out of a family of 10). She insisted I'd locked them in the closet of her Memory Care ALF. So I'd alternate stories, depending on how sharp her teeth were that day. No matter what, though, she'd forget what I told her in short order and start the whole questioning process over. Again. I'd say bye bye and Get out of there.

Best of luck with a difficult situation.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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You do what you’re doing. They moved, they’re taking a trip, they have to work. Etc.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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Cheeky, yes! That is exactly how I would go about it.

Little white lies to keep a dementia patient comfortable and happy is best.

So sorry about your husband 😔 🙏
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Cheeky79 Jul 20, 2024
Thank you. Have a great weekend.
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My mother (dementia, 99) demands a visit from her parents or to be taken to them. I find natural disaster and accident excuses work best. Example: They farmed near a lake and evening fogs resulted in accidents along the closest highway. “Oh, didn’t you hear? Hwy 99 is blocked. A truck rolled over on that sharp curve in the fog.” Or “They called to say a pipe burst in their bathroom.” She’s accepted such excuses so I have avoided reminding her that they’re long dead.
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Reply to Anabanana
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It depends on your husband.
Some will take the "news" that a loved one has died and go on with the conversation. Others will get upset treating it like this is new information and they experience the grief all over again.
So...tell your husband ONCE that mom has died. If he takes it well, great if not you will have to deal with the outcome for a while.
So, really it is up to you as to how you want to deal with this conversation.
There is no Right or Wrong answer. Just as each individual with dementia is different so is how you handle each situation.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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My husband did the same thing, however, it was his father that he always asked about. At that time, it was about 20 year since his father has passed away. When I told him his father had passed, he was very upset and asked why no one had told him. Of course, he knew this before his dementia set in. I put a large framed picture of his mother and father in our room. He looked at the picture many times and maybe in some way it comforted him. My husband had dementia for seven years before he passed away last year.
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I like to always answer with a positive answer. Like oh we will see her soon. Or say I just tried to get her but she may be out we will try and call later. And then say do you want to look at some pictures and take out pictures of happy times with his Mom. You are not doing anything wrong you are protecting him from pain he can't process now. You wouldn't tell a 5 year old there is no Santa ! And his brother can say oh we are all going to get together next month or for the holidays sometime in the future. My Aunt was in a home when 9/11 happened and it came across live on the screen and everyone was sitting trying to figure out what they were seeing and when the 2ns plane it one of the patients shouted Happy New Year and all the patients in the room got up and started hugging and wishing each other a happy new year. The aides just shut off the TVs and "made" a news years party for them. My heart goes out to you. Its hard. Good Luck
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MiaMoor Jul 25, 2024
I agree. Tell a fib, but make it a happy one.
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My husband always mistake me for his MAMA and says/asks questions in his language I do not understand. I let him do that then smiles and says I am his wife. He would smile and says:"I don't know why but I know you have been so nice like my MAMA! I smile again with a thank you with hugs...and we smile together!
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