My mother-in-law moved in a year and half ago when my sister-in-law told my husband he needed to step up. We have a two bedroom home and our daughter is currently living in our bedroom so that MIL can have her own space. We as a couple have no space or privacy. Our daughter has no space to call her own. My MIL is very healthy 74 year old with her own car, but still wants me to drive her to the store, doctors’ appointments etc. She's on social security, $1,200 a month and for the first year she paid nothing to live here straining our finances. My husband finally asked her to pay some rent. She only pays 200 a month citing credit card bills as her reason. We have discussed getting a bigger home to accommodate her but the extra cost of 800 to 1000 a month is unaffordable for us with only 200 from her. She's very nice and does dishes occasionally. I honestly can't take having no space or privacy. I did agree to let her stay here believing that we could get a bigger place, but that is now of the table and I feel it's rude of her to continue to live her knowing that our daughter needs her room back. Help! I’m at my wits end with this living situation.
Mom is not old. She can still do for herself. There are Hud apts that only require 30% of her SS. She would pay $360 leaving her $640. She can get Medicaid for her heath insurance. Go to the food bank to help with food and food closets. An antenna for tv and stream. Food stamps. If getting help, she can get a government phone and minutes.
Its not working. If she can drive, she can take herself shopping and shop for the foods she likes that u should not provide. Buy her own toiletries and clothing. You cannot afford to care for her. She will get more help if she is on her own. She should see if she qualifies for supplemental income (SSI) thru Social Service.
Thanks so much for this wonderful update.
You did EXACTLY THE RIGHT THING (and lord knows I don't often tell our OPs that) by just accepting the blame. Just take it ALL. Just tell them "If you need a bad guy to blame this on, then I am your gal". That's the quickest way to stop THAT nonsense.
You have a well woman here with TWO DECADES of life left, and she is being enabled by her family to be given care. Shame on them. I am 81 and totally self caring with only a child that lives across two states. I think the best place for our kids when they grow up is 1,000 miles from their parents.
And shame on your MIL for putting her well self into your home, depriving her grandchild of her own space and the child's mom of her own home. It would shatter me to do that to my child. Let alone not doing a care contract and paying half the living costs.
I am so glad you stood up for yourself. I don't know HOW you did it, but you did it. And if your Sister isn't smart enough to do the same then that is on her; please don't enable that bad situation and do not allow someone to take over your home again.
I am so thankful this is over for you. When you are accused of being the "mean girl" my advice is to EMBRACE it. I can tell you, it becomes a kind of FUN.
I hope you can move MIL out, but if you don’t, think about daughter and MIL sharing a room. You’re treating MIL like a queen, and if you stopped doing that, MIL might get herself gone. Start crowding her out.
I am so sorry this is happening to your family. Tell MIL you made a mistake and want to help her find her own place. You owe it to your daughter and yourself. Be careful not to blame it on your daughter. It is no one’s fault but your MIL. Really the SIL has some nerve.
Is this a cultural situation where the son is expected to care for his mom? We have had a couple of threads on here where that was the case.
The hard conversations have to happen. Kids have a hard enough time these days. Stand firm.
Was SIL paying for everything, found herself her Mother's maid?
Tells her brother I'm DONE. Your turn. Dumps her on the lawn.
You thought, OK I'll give it a go.. how bad could it be..? Get a bigger house for all of us.. but no. You (& maybe your daughter & DH too) are the new maids.
I don't actually see why SIL has to now chip in.
I see this is as no-one clearly talking to each other. Just moving the problem around without looking for solutions.
I'm not sure if MIL is like an entitled Queen, wanting the red carpet & servants.. or is a never fully independant type.
Either way. Mom has the right to have a a life, have a retirement. But she needs to fund it. She needs to find a new home & build up her social connections. Take on the responsibility for her own life now.
I suggest a Family Meeting where everyone LISTENS to each other.
Then work as a team to find a housing service for older women to help re-house Mother.
Oh, hang on.. I can't find he DID offer.
".. my sister in law told my husband he needed to step up."
And not see there is a need for moving out as daughter needs her space.
I just don’t understand people sometimes. Or their neediness. Or feeling of entitlement.
Good for you you did not get bigger space.
And take the blame, that is their perception. You are not guilty of anything.
MIL doesn't want to live alone? How does this Queen get her own room, and the ones paying are crammed into one room? Everyone else is expected to sacrifice their lives for this childish senior? She thinks life is a free ride? Her son pays her way after her husband died? Didn't her husband WORK? Why should you go into higher debt to accommodate MIL with a bigger house?
She can get more financial help if living by herself! HUD voucher, Food card, free phone, etc. She already has Medicare. She can consolidate her credit card bills, and should grow up and get her own place...or get a roommate if she's SO scared to live alone. She has a car and can drive herself to appts. and shopping!
Unless SIL financially supports your entire family, she needs to make Mom get her own place too. Step up" ad help Mom get a cozy apartment, and take your lives back. Better now than when she starts declining! Time for Mom to make plans that don't include freeloading off her kids!