Her needs are minimal despite her age, 30% memory loss due to vascular dementia, using walker and pleasant. But due to macular degeneration, eye sight very poor. Cannot really understand or see television anymore.
Sisters think she needs "socialization" at her age and "exercise groups", not sure if it is their distorted rationalization for a nursing home. I cannot get them to understand that my living with Mom and providing 1 to 1 care from a family member (with respite care weekly via paid caregivers), is better than the nursing home route. Nursing home, I mean "memory care" (lets call it that so we can feel better about ourselves!) is convenient (stop by and visit 5 minutes a week), but after all our mom has done for us, i feel it an honor to care for her! What is wrong with them?! I feel God is watching and we will be held accountable for our actions at this difficult time.
Any thoughts or advice is welcome. thank you.
If you no longer want or need to work then that is your choice but if that would prove to be a hardship I think you need to understand that all NHomes are not bad. My mother is in one. I wish she could be back in AL but she now is no longer able to walk. In our situation I really don't think my mother would want us to have to do all that her care requires
If you really want to do this, you could get private duty work and hire other people to help, because you WILL need them. Get her into daycare, but keep in mind that if she gets incontinent, they will kick her out. At least if you keep a job in your field, you will have chance of getting back in the market. Without financial help from siblings, I can't imagine how you'll manage. One reason I didn't get as much help was because I knew we couldn't afford it. Right towards the end, it took almost $2000 just for minor help for my dad. His savings would only last two and half more months. You could get her on Medicaid for some home help, but will still have to pay out pocket for help.
Keep in mind also, that they can go down quickly. My mom wasn't doing too bad until her hip came out of place - and they couldn't put it back. Bedridden, and pneumonia took her three months later.
The thing I want you to focus on is that there was NO history of breast cancer in my family and there were no stressors. I was an RN in a new relationship, and very happy when cancer struck; had raised my daughter and she was ready to move on to her own life. Looking forward to happy times, when BOOM.
As an RN I am surprised that any physician would suggest that your cancer was caused by your own choices. It is further victimization of a victim and there is NO proof of any such thing. While we do know that stress is difficult, that it can stress a body, and that cortisol is not good for our immune system, as I said, there is no proof of what he said.
I wish you the best. You and your choices are not responsible for your cancer. Don't let anyone tell you that it was. There are many people living stress free lives (or as stress free as humans EVER are, who get cancer.
I wish you the best and hope 35 years from now you are right there telling others "YOU CAN DO THIS".
Then Covid hit. No ADC, no visits from family (except my brother most weeks), and diminished visits from the great-grandkids. Even though I spent more time with Mom, she declined significantly. She stopped watching TV and reading during this time, except for children's stories to her great-grandson. We enclosed our porch to create an "airlock" between us and the great-grandkids attending school and playing on sports teams; my mom loved sitting in the dining room windows and watching the kids out there or talking to them on the intercom. When some extended family kids came to stay with us in our "bubble" she loved it and got much better mentally. Since we have become fully vaccinated and the kids are in and out of the house as they were previously, she is better, but the no-contact time has taken a toll on her mental processes.
Although I am sure time itself would have taken an impact on her mental alertness, there is no doubt that being confined in her movements and isolated accelerated her decline and also left periods of depression. I'm left wondering whether she is really better off at home at this point. I care for her physical needs better than an MC but as she has weakened she is left for several hours a day alone in her room. Would she be better in an MC with a roommate and more socialization? I'm so grateful she was home during Covid-19; I think the state-mandated isolation would have killed her. As long as she enjoys the great-grandchildren's visits I will not relocate her, but when we have bad days I do wonder if maybe she would be better off at the local MC I have chosen for her backup care.
I think it"s hard when the siblings are not on the same page. But better to know upfront, than get empty promises but no backup help later.
One RN I heard of even tried Guardianship as her desire to take her Mother in full time was so strong. But her DH/kids refused to move to Mother's state & Mother didn't want to move to her daughter's state - as that would have prohibited the many other siblings & grandchildren from their frequent visits.
It really did have to be a plan that suited the majority. The RN lost the Guardianship appeal as it was deemed best for the Mother to stay in her own state, where she had lived her whole life. Surrounded by her large family.
I felt sad for that RN. Her heart was good but her plan only worked for her, no-one else really. I don't know that she ever could see it that way.
Bless all the caring nurses out there. I think sometimes their abundance of empathy is a cross to bear, as well as a gift.
I truly hate it when a person comes waltzing in here using God-words to try to act all pious by raising themselves above others or to try to guilt us into believing our caretaking decisions are 'wrong'. As if we're not already stressed out enough with a ton of responsibilities and decisions on our plates as it is? As if God will smite us down and we'll burn in hell for placing our parent(s) in managed care where they're safe & attended to by teams of caregivers. What a rotten thing to even SUGGEST to a support forum for caregivers!!!
FWIW, I know that God is indeed watching down on me these past 10 years I've been in charge of my parent's lives and He is so proud of all of my efforts and all the hard work, time and emotion I've put in on behalf of my mother living in Assisted Living for the past 7 years. He is happy I've honored her in the way I have, same as so many other devoted caregivers here on this site have done, regardless of anyone else's opinion on the matter. I am honored myself to be held accountable to God for my actions on behalf of my parents.
How's THAT for a 'thought' on your post?
Mom lived with us for 15 years. As the years went by, it became an incredible challenge, so much so that I feel no one should take on the burden of being the primary caregiver for their parents. It’s too big of a job for one person. Plus, our own family suffers in the process.
Let me say that as one who gave my mom “one on one” care as you wish to do, that if I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t. It nearly killed me.
I wish that I would have known to only care for my mom temporarily, Placement for her would have worked out better for each of us. Does that mean that I didn’t love my mom? No, it doesn’t. I loved her very much. She recently died at the end of April and while I am glad that she is no longer suffering and is reunited with my father in the afterlife, I still miss her and think of her often.
Let me also say that later in mom’s life, she apologized for being a burden on my family. She truly hated being a burden but became dependent on me because I was confused and truly felt that she was my complete responsibility and I insisted on her living with us.
Mom was with us for so long and she developed a fear of the unknown, such as a facility. Each of us admitted to making our share of mistakes. I was stressed to the max and burning out. A social worker told me about this forum and I am eternally grateful for the wonderful people who cared enough to help me. I also sought the help of a great therapist who helped me see the situation from an objective viewpoint.
I respect your faith in God. I am a believer as well. I do not share your outlook on God’s view of our lives.
I agree that God is indeed watching us but I think that he has a wider lens than what any of us could ever imagine. I don’t feel that he is focusing solely on what you perceive to be shortcomings. He sees everything, our suffering and I would like you to consider that through His love He provides others to assist us in our time of need.
The outlook that you have about God will surely drive people away. I am truly sorry if you have experienced negative situations. We all have at some point but don’t get stuck there and certainly don’t make a loving God out to be a bully.
There are many wonderful people in the caregiving field, both at home and facilities. One is not necessarily better than the other but it stands to reason that if there comes a time when more help is needed for the home caregiver, a person should take care of it.