I am getting anxiety attacks every time I speak to my Mum who has been in a care home for 3 weeks. How can I manage my own reaction better?

Alison, your mom is adjusting!

Allowing baths is huge.

Have YOU spoken to the social worker at the home? Perhaps s/he will have some suggestions.

Often we are told to stay away during the adjustment period, but you are already doing that, not by choice.

I would take a firm, authoritative tone with mom. "You are where you need to be right now, mom. I can't do anything about that."

Do you have someone to talk to about your anxiety?

Becomimg anxious every time the phone rings when you have an elderly parent is pretty common. I certainly had it. Talking to a therapist DOES help.

Perhaps it's best that you limit your calls to just once a week since they are so upsetting to you. And if she calls let them roll over to your voicemail, as I'm sure if it's something important the care facility will contact you directly.
If your Mum was in her right mind you know darn well that she would not want you getting so stressed because of her, so it's time to take a step(or 2 or 3)back and start limiting your calls as they're not doing you(or her)any good only causing you harm.
Your Mum would want you to take care of yourself, so please start doing that.

Your mother's behavior is typical for dementia/Alzheimers and wanting to 'go home' goes with the territory. It's more a place in time she's wanting than a brick & mortar building. You asking her for something will not register in her broken brain, which is why she's back to the faulty thinking almost immediately after she acknowledges your request. She can't help it; her brain isn't thinking clearly anymore, sadly. But now YOU have to look after YOURSELF b/c your anxiety is through the roof. I used to internalize a lot of my mother's angst when she was carrying on in Memory Care with her dementia, too, so I cut down on calling her so often. I KNEW she was well cared for by her carers, so why put my own mental health in jeopardy to hear her repeat the same jargon continuously? I suggest you do the same.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

She also has published a workbook entitled, “It Isn’t Common Sense: Interacting with People Who Have Memory Loss Due to Dementia.”

https://www.amazon.com/Isnt-Common-Sense-Interacting-Dementia/dp/1481995995/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468655&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-4

Here is a list of useful tips from her e-book I found to be excellent:

The “Dont's”
· Do not reason and argue
· Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve
· Do not demand that they remember
· Do not demand that they get their facts straight
· Do not correct their ideas or scold them
· Do not reorient them
· Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose
· Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to
· Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care
· Do not act with impatience

The Do's
· Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world'
· Be aware of their mood or state of mind
· Use few words and simple phrases
· OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions
· Do everything slowly
· Approach from the front
· Wait for a slow response
· Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK'
· Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment
· Maximize use of remaining abilities
· Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real
· Maintain privacy
· Provide a safe physical environment

Language Needs
· Use short words
· Use clear and simple sentences
· Speak slowly and calmly
· Questions should ask for a “yes” or “no” answer
· Talk about one thing at a time
· Talk about concrete things; not abstract ideas
· Use common phrases
· Always say what you are doing
· If they repeat their question, repeat your answer as you did the first time · Give them a longer time to process information
· Wait patiently for a response
· Be accepting of inappropriate answers and nonsense words
· Speak softly, soothingly and gently

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

What I hear when I read your post is that you feel guilty and anxious, as if it was up to you to make your mom's problems go away and you are failing.
You are not failing. You have done the most excellent thing by making sure she is safe and cared for, whether she sees it that way or not.
You cannot control how she thinks or feels. I would advise you to work on controlling how YOU think and feel. And first of all please realize you (and your sibs) are not at fault and you're not responsible for her dementia and unhappiness.
You are not at fault. They are not at fault.
It is wonderful your mom is starting to allow baths. Let the caregivers work with her and take a step back.

You said "I really do feel for her but I am beginning to think it is not her old apartment she is longing for, but her old life and independence,"

Nailed it.

Your mother sounds like mine.

My mother is 95 and lives with me and is not satisfied. She wants to go "home" which is her childhood home. She wants her mother who has been dead for 32 years.

I suppose that there are gentle spirited, sweet and contented elders out there, but I don't have one.

You and your brothers sound like lovely people and your mother is blessed to have you all being so attentive.

Frankly, I'd put some more space between you and her and move to calling every other day, or every three days. Take turns with your brother making the calls, too.

She has Alzheimers, so you can't believe what she says. The mom you knew is gone, sadly, and this is someone else.

You simply can't take to heart what someone who is not in her right mind says. You're reacting as though the things she says are true, when the staff is telling you otherwise. You know deep inside not to believe and absorb all this.

If you had childien, did you give in to their every tantrum? Did you believe every fall was a life-threatening emergency?

Of course not.

This is the same thing here. Mom's wiring is short-circuited, so you need to react as you would to a toddler with soothing words, then distractions. Simply change the subject -- don't ask if you can, just do it.

If Mom is still able to write, get her a journal and tell her to write down how she feels, so she can off-load it when you aren't there to listen. It might prove to be illuminating if you tell her to write in it each day and tell about her day. It'll likely be all over the place, and that might help you understand better how her mind isn't working anymore.

There isn't much you can do unless you move her to a assisted living complex near you . Although then she might complain she Misses England and you would go thru the same loop . She Must be able to make friends where she is . In the Meantime try to meditate , focus on your children. I use acupuncture to relax . That has helped with My anxieties dealing with a stressful parent .

Cut back on the amount of phone calls you have with her for a while. This is for your sake and your mother's.
If her care home is saying that she's acclimating well (and there's an outside trusted person who you trust that also confirms this) then take them at their word.
It could very well be that she's doing great in her new place and enjoying life but like so many of our elderly "loved ones" will turn on the Magical Misery Tour when their adult children call or visit.
Of course she misses her old life when she was still in charge or when she was young. She also misses the people in her life who have gone. No one wants to be old. Don't expect her to get into any literature or grief therapy about losing your father. She is from a generation that did not go for that sort of thing. She also has dementia and Alzheimer's like you've said.
The next time you talk to her and she starts with the complaining and lashing out, try to distract her away from it. If that doesn't work tell her you're not interested in listening to her complaining and nonsense then end the call and try again at a different time.

A visit to my mom usually began with me taking a mild tranquilizer 1/2 hr before I went to see her. Probably not the mentally healthiest way to go, but I found that if I wasn't able to let her get under my skin, we had a better 'visit'.

She wasn't in a facility, in her own apt adjacent to YB's home and she was always aware of how lucky she was to have a big family right there and some of her kids coming by at times.

She, unfortunately, was one of my worst 'triggers' for my PTSD, and so I had to manage and limit my time with her. Sounds so selfish, I know, but by the end of her life, in August, I was able to not be upset after every visit. We were on 'good enough' terms when she passed.

I had the power to visit or not. So do you. Even with dementia, you can control the amount of time spent with a LO. I found it sad, mostly, but sometimes she'd get me so wound up I would cry the whole drive home. I could, and did go 9 months or more with no contact. She didn't even notice. THAT really hurt, but it also made me aware I was simply a target to shoot at when she was angry.

I learned that I was the one in control of the relationship. Once I embraced that, fully, visits were better and I could and would walk out if she got, well, kooky is the only word that applies. I quit trying to argue with her or make any changes for her life. Only then did I have relative peace with her.

We just finished Week 1 of my mom entering a facility. Like yours, it is a lovely and welcoming place that we were fortunate to get into so quickly. My mom feels like it’s a prison. We have ups and downs, rapidly. She vacillates between accusing me of taking her money (odd claim considering I just committed it to a very costly facility), stealing her furniture, and outright hating her to telling me how grateful she is for all the work I’m doing and how I am the best daughter in the world. Although she was the one who first said “I can’t stay here anymore”, she recently began telling me that she could have had overnight care and stayed in her apartment. I took her out yesterday and while things were nice and calm between us, I gently reminded her how she had stopped feeding herself, was losing track of her meds, hadn’t driven her car in several months, and really hadn’t left her apartment in weeks at the time I moved her. This has reminded me of the stages of grief, accelerated. We have just passed the bargaining stage and are now in the depression stage, but it’s not too bad. I can see hope, and a lot of that is focused around my helping her find a nice wardrobe unit to put in her small room and her attending more and more of the activities at the facility. I have also involved her in the cleanout of her old apartment which really slows me down but helps her finalize that portion of her life. We are getting there, slowly but surely.

The best advice people gave me is that everyone goes through this, and that the move to a facility is very difficult on everyone involved. Our parent is also coming face to face with their mortality, if not for the first time, in a way that is far more real and imminent than ever before. This is the last stop and they know it. There is no point sugar-coating or denying it. But there’s no reason it can’t be a good experience. I tell my mom that she did an amazing job for 90 years being independent, doing all her own shopping, managing her bills, hiring contractors, etc. but wouldn’t it be nice to let go of all the obligations and just enjoy life for once? Yes, it’s brutal and heartwrenching when she talks about her life being over and now it’s just a struggle to stay alive. It hurt deeply when we attended a piano concert at assisted living and I saw her quietly cry during “I’ll be Home for Christmas”. I am as supportive as possible, but don’t want to indulge her either, so am quick to remind her of why she is there and why this is best. I’ve explained in great detail what staying “at home” would look like: 5-7 caregivers coming in and out of her home all week, a long vetting process as we figured out which strangers (which they would be in the beginning) were working out and which were not, the need for meals being made every day, the weekly food shopping, and the fact that she would STILL be sitting at home every day watching tv with little interaction with others. I know she would hate this lifestyle. She does fundamentally understand all this and agree that it was time. But she is grieving, and so am I. We have to go through this.

It is so much more difficult for you being so far away. My mom is scared right now and clinging to me. I’m sure your mom is scared too, and you’re not there. That’s hard for her. But your life matters too, and you need to remember that.

They get very self-absorbed at this point and I believe it helps to put some perspective on it - we are going through this with them; we are also stressed, scared, grieving, and depressed. Find a physical outlet for yourself asap: walking, yoga, dancing, etc. It is such a healthy release of all the emotions and will help you sleep. Be kind to yourself. Find God if you don’t already have a relationship with Him. Tell your mom how hard it is for you, tell her you are hurting too. And remember that your life matters and must be nurtured too. We can only do so much for another person. And if we are not well, we can’t help anyone.