I keep reading messages about this same issue, and it has definitely helped me realize that I am not alone.
My mother is 89 years old and has mild to moderate dementia. She is living in a house that is basically falling down around her, yet she refuses to move. For the last three months she has become obsessed with her heating and air conditioning. She swears it is running all the time and something is wrong with it. We have had 2 experts out to her house to check on it, and they swear everything is fine. She calls both my sisters and me constantly in a state of panic about it, yet when we go and check, it is running just as it should. My younger sister has tried to get her to move in with her, yet when she is there for only 2 or 3 days, she begins crying and begging to go home. She has lived longer than her savings, and she is now trying to survive on her Social Security. She owns land, however (which she refuses to sell), so she will not qualify for Medicaid. To put things simply: she is living in a run-down shack, calling us 2 to 3 times a day about her air conditioning/heating unit, and refusing to move. Neither my sisters nor I can afford to even pool our resources together to pay for an AL and still maintain our own families. I have considered trying to find someone who would sit with her for a couple of hours a day, but honestly, her house is so bad I can't imagine anyone who would be willing to do it. I've tried to clean as best as I can, but when I do, she begins yelling at me. It also doesn't help that my 2 sisters and I cannot seem to agree on anything. My older sister has always been my mom's favorite, and she calls on her all the time. My sister loved it when my mom was well, but now that my mom needs help, she constantly complains. Is it wrong that I am beginning to feel resentment? I should say that I am also grieving the loss of my 19-year-old son who passed away last year, so I just feel as if I am struggling with more than I can handle.
It doesn’t sound as if your mom is capable of living on her own anymore.
You say that you can’t afford assisted living but what about a nursing home? Can you look into her qualifying for Medicaid?
Then your mind will be at rest and you can just check in on her to visit without the headaches.
As for your mother, have you had APS go out there and evaluate her living conditions? Who if anyone has her durable POA?
Unfortunately, my brother & I had to wait until something happened to my mother before we could get her to move, it was our only option, finally it happened, we are in the throws of getting her house ready to sell and she is now in AL, where she needs to be.
I know how frustrating this can be, wish I had more to offer.