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My sister was diagnosed by The UCSF Alz & Memory care after many tests, scans, etc. nearly a yr ago. They said she should not/cannot live alone, but no Dr. will sign a letter of incompetency. On a good day she can talk a good game and says she is not leaving her home or dogs and will not allow anyone else to come into home. We had two intro mtgs, she refused to allow strangers in her home. I am forced to handle everything, but she signs up for every Medicare plan that calls her (just discovered last night she changed her Medicare plan again for new year, last yr she signed up for a new plan 3 times). She has been scammed for gift cards twice, turned off pilot light to water heater, put dawn in dishwasher causing overflow that she claimed blew up. She cancels everything: internet/wi-fi, phone, TV, homeowners’ ins., Dr. appts. then of course says she didn’t. We spend hrs and entire days just undoing the messes. She sees people in her house every day, “the eaters”. We have cameras and an Alexa show device for calls and to keep visual on her when we are not there. This week she missed 2 important Dr. appts. She refused to get out of house at last minute making us too late on Monday by 8 minutes. When we arrived she refused to get out of car. We were refused and rescheduled for Wed. We started early, it takes me 30 min to get to her house and 35 min to that Dr. I am at her house at least 90 minutes before and at the last minute she stalled and refused again until we would have been late. I called, explained and cancelled. I had to take her to 4 various lab/scan appts for this final evaluation for back pain. All so stressful. I pay all her bills, undo her messes, and buy all her groceries, cook meals, my husband takes care of everything at her house. She expects it. Everything is all about her, always. Never appreciates. Resents when we are there and goes in her bedroom and shuts door. Still her personality, never did anything for others or me. Her daughter is out of state and has not been here for 8 yrs. We were not close and not raised together. I am stuck. I retired last yr and she is my full time job. We had to put our own life on hold and How long do we have? She used to call the sheriff 2-3 times week. She sees people, eating her food, living in her closet. These people are numerous and cause anything that went wrong, or is lost, as they took it. She put all her food outside over the summer with a note they can’t leave their food in her house and to take it now, (twice) refusing to believe it’s her food. She hides everything from these people so every day is scavenger hunt. She hides food under the bed, wrapped in newspaper, foil, bags, hides all mail, toothbrush, makeup, heating pad, dog food. Literally Everything. Because she can’t find anything. Since she refuses to consider any other living situation insisting she is fine and perfectly capable of taking care of herself telling anyone she is capable, pays all her bills, goes to grocery store, takes care of her dogs, etc. When in reality she does none if it and hasn’t for over a year. She is impossible and I am done. What can I do? Who can do it? Trust and POA lists me and daughter but that doesn’t kick in until Dr. states she is incompetent and unable to handle her own affairs. They all say that emphatically, but will not sign letter. She is getting her way as she always has, I took care of mom with ALZ for 6 yrs 20 yrs ago and now this? She was a walk in the park compared to this! Sister is mean, combative, belligerent, and cannot remember a conversation, a document, anything - from 3 minutes ago! Since she doesn’t remember she is always mad. “When was anyone going to tell her she had appt? Why didn’t she know? No one tells her anything. (White board with all ph #s and appt dates on wall)



What do people do? Memory care facilities do not allow dogs, she won’t consider visiting any “home” - she is not leaving her dogs nor her home. I don't want to ruin my marriage but I am depressed, angry, short tempered.

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Consider walking away and calling APS to report her as a vulnerable adult in need of supervision.

Unfortunately, as long as you are providing care, she will not get what she needs. Step aside
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What would happen if you stopped helping her? If your Husband also stopped? If she had to buy her own food, medicines etc?

When I explained that to my sister, I got a blank look. Followed by "I can do it myself".

I was in a similar spot to where you are. Not doing so much as others did the lion share, but the needs were a bottomless pit.

Sought help from Doctor, who said to let her 'fail'. Don't help. Don't even buy milk.
As Barb said, "step aside". This forces in other solutions.

Before you jump to "she won't change".. Stop. This is about changing what YOU do.

I wrote out a list of tasks as described, I crossed my name of some tasks. Then as time went on, crossed off more & more. Each time it forced services to replace me to be trialled.

Now my sister is really happy with her 'ladies' that come to help her. It has extended out her living at home. It won't last forever of course, nothing does.

But it gave her the dignity to choose for herself.
Choose the home services help. Or not. Stay home with help, or risk having to move. At present the choice is to accept a replacement person from an agency if the regular is away/ill etc or have no-one. I will not be backup. That just opens the door to more cancellations knowing I would fill-in.

Your sister will need to choose things like a helper to walk/groom, help with the pets or risk having them taken away. I'd start there. Something she cares about.

Time to get learning.
Ready?
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We took my mom to an ER when she was having a severely bad dementia day..yours can be a 911 call if need be…with Lewy Body dementia my mom also had some “clear” days but was generally unsafe at home and refused to eat. the hospital told US she was not competent to go home…a social worker took over…we took her to a memory care and cleaned out everything at home. Our job is to make them safe not honor their wishes . If she is unsafe ….she needs a facility. My mom adjusted. Not easy…
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Your sister needs more help than you can sustainably provide, not your fault, just a fact. Stop trying and back off. Report her as a adult in need of help to Adult Protective Services and let them take over. Sounds harsh but you cannot continue this alone, at least not without great cost to your own well being
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Call a social worker ASAP.

Then stop.

Stop trying to assist when you clearly can’t. She is not your problem. I know this is harsh and difficult, but something doesn’t sound right when she’s been told she can’t live alone, yet they won’t write a letter stating that. There must be something more to this.

Let the county and state do their job. Report to a social worker, Adult Protective Service and then call her daughter and explain her mom needs help and you can’t help her and you will not be responsible for her. Remove yourself as POA. And then stop.
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Barbarasfriend Dec 2022
I absolutely agree 100%. Call social services or APS and let them deal with it. That is too much stress for anyone to deal with.
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I was going through the same thing with my husband until he got so angry about life that he called 911. The police came out and took him for 72 hour hold and now he is placed in an assisted memory care. I dealt with this for 12 years after he suffered 3 ruptured brain aneurysms and multiple strokes. I was so grateful when the police did knock on the door. Where we live we have a program called PERT which stands for psychiatric emergency response team. I had called the hotline many times and they told me to call 911 but I didn't really want to do. I was so grateful when they came to the door. They sent Police, a social worker and an EMT. Of course he’s still angry with me when I go visit him in the facility and he wants to come home but he too thought he could do everything which resulted in a lot of falls leading to ER visits and multiple CAT scans due to him being on a blood thinner. Now that he’s in the facility all my friends and family members say I look more relaxed then I have looked in years. There are facilities that allow pets.
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Daughterof1930 Dec 2022
So glad you got much need help
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I have read everything here and there are some good answers to your dilemma but one thing I have to say to you is this" STOP ENABLING HER". You have to look at it this way to WHAT IF YOU WERE NOT THERE NO ONE WAS THERE where would she be I bet in a place to take care of her.

If you can get a doctor to sign paperwork for representative payee for her social security if she is on that I would do that. It will stop some of the buying.

The other is to call Dept of Human Services and tell them that you are done taking care of her and you can't do it anymore. My SIL was taking care of her brother with dementia she was told by a doctor to take him to the ER and tell them you can't do it anymore they will in turn find him a place to go. Which they did for her.

Prayers
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Redsister Jun 2023
I just wanted to take the time to tell you I re- read your post to my question in December. I re-read them all but I am still “stuck” in same position and here it is 6 months later. I have had a few mental crisis of my own and I have called the Public Guardian’s office. I will have a Phone Appt in a half hour with the Attorney that put my sister’s Trust together years ago. I have had 2 prior as well in the past. You have words of wisdom - and I am working towards some exit strategy. But I am near the bottom of despair and need to see daylight. I feel the sands of my own life trickling away during all this and do not like the person I have become. My marriage is on thin ice. I will come back and report progress…..?
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I don't understand why you say "I am forced to handle everything,"
Unless you are legally bound, you are not forced to do anything you do not want to do unless you decide to take on yourself.

I would say seem to you feel forced for internal reasons, i.e., emotional, guilt, low-self esteem, fear(s), allowing her to intimidate you.

The issues and concerns you outline above will continue on and on... and on.
If you do not want this scenario to continue:

STOP. Get out of this toxic situation.

Continue to vent here although the frustration will continue until you make a decision. She is running circles around you. If you don't want her to do this, then stop encouraging her.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Some options to consider:

1.Call APS, Adult Protective Services and report unsafe condition in home. This may or may not help but at least you can start a paper trail of reporting the unsafe environment. Call as many times as events present themselves.

2. Call 911 when she becomes combative and, have her transported to ER. Once there they can further assess her and, you can confer with social services/ case management re options . Be sure to state emphatically the " unsafe" and " non compliant" behaviors. Do not let them just send her back home with follow up appts which you know she will not keep. Consider having her sent directly from ER to a facility of choice. Once there, staff can take over the behavior management.

3. I do not understand why the physicians are not declaring her incompetent. You may want to confer with an Elder Care Attorney about the situation.

4. Tell her and her Physician that you are no longer able to provide care for her and, you will not be available. Stop being a part of the " enabling" process of allowing this individual to put herself in unsafe conditions and, place you in unsafe and unhealthy positions. You certainly are entitled to your life and you must start advocating for yourself too.

5. Put cameras up in the home / relevant places to capture her belligerent , non compliant, unsafe behaviors.

Seek counseling for your own health and well being.
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tygrlly1 Dec 2022
"She is unsafe and a danger to herself and others (you) "
"She is failing to meet her medical and mental health needs "
" I refuse to continue providing care "
"This will be an unsafe discharge and I will report it as elder abuse"
And inform her Dr of the same. Sometimes Drs get kickbacks and incentives to avoid declaring someone incompetent and needing public funded care. Sad but true.

These need to be your mantras..Stay strong and do not look back. She is destroying you.
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My mother was similar, refused to leave, get help and was mean to me. I took food to her house, righted things for a couple of hours and left. I would go every couple of weeks. I could see decline and disorganization.. One day I found her dehydrated on the floor. Rehydrated her some, loaded her in my car and took her to my house. She had a hissy fit. I convinced her to go to assisted living while a went to visit my kids for a couple of weeks. I never went back for her, I keep paying the bill. When I do see her she wants to go home. I hand her the phone and say organize it. End of discussion. The woman can't make a meal and has no idea when the last time she ate. She has always been difficult, my sibs will have no part of her. My suggestion is walk away for the most part. Make sure there is food and the bills are paid.
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