I have a serious issue going on here with myself. My 86 yr. old mother has been living with me and my husband since May. She is on Hospice care for a mass on her kidney. She had hip surgery, not replacement, and now cannot walk. She needs assistance to get to the bedside commode and in her chair.
I have a wonderful caregiver for her that comes 3 days a week while I work. My mother always makes up excuses why the caregiver shouldn't give her a bed bath or wash her hair. On my days off my mother than wants me to do this. First off, I am not comfortable giving my mother a full bath. I have, but reluctantly. I used to wash her hair, but now it gives me more time if the caregiver can do it. I am not being selfish, but I am very behind in getting things done in the house, grocery shopping and other things that need to be done. I can't even talk on the phone anymore. I'm not a phone talker to begin with, but I can't talk with my kids like I used to.
Today I have a sink full of dishes, laundry and need to clean my car out....I am a nanny and we have little trips we go on.
I have to wash my mom's hair and bathe her.
When I explain that is what the caregiver is for, she gets quiet and acts like a child. Then I feel guilty.
I feel resentful, frustrated, angry and guilty all at the same time. Then I just cry.
I have a sister in law who thinks helping is cooking dinner every few weeks and having a little party here and laughs everything off.
I am at the very end of a frayed rope. When I go out to the store or even after work, I have thought of just driving away.....just to keep going.
She hates my one dog and lets everyone know it.
I don't know what to do!!!!!
Her health seems to be fine except for her legs. The nurse always says her numbers are great. WTH!!!! Is this going to go on forever? I am 60 and love to enjoy my life.
I know many of you are going to say why did I take her?! I do love her, but never imagined my life would be taken away, even with a caregiver.
No negative or snide remarks please. You'll push me over the edge! lol
Thank you!!!!! and God bless!
By the way; I, too, have animals (several) that we love that have been with us for years, and we'd not stand for anyone to abuse them in any way, even verbally; you don't have to either; you can just say something like "Be nice, mom; that's my kid you're talking about!" and hope that, repeated when needed for awhile, will stop the behavior. None of this is easy, no reason to let her stress you more....
Cancer or not, your mother is a guest in *your* home. Your dog is your pet. If she doesn't like life at your place then it's time to let her know that she can depart whenever she likes. Or, she can be appreciative of having a professional aide help you to help her.
No wonder you want to drive away. She is manipulating you...and you are letting her. When I was in the thick of my journey as a caregiver, being manipulated by my in-laws, and allowing myself to be manipulated, I read a book by Roz Chast called "Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?" It helped tremendously as did reading posts on this forum.
Next does it have to be a bed bath? Can she transfer to a shower chair? I have just written on another post about walk-in baths: Most bathrooms have a central floor drain, so if you remove towels etc and put a blocker at the doorway, you can treat the whole thing as a ‘wet room’. Then use a shower chair and a flexible ‘shower hose’ from the basin. You can get cheap rubber shower spray hoses that will push-fit over a mixer tap. They are not as good as a properly installed one, but would be easy to experiment with. If you wanted to plumb in a proper one, it would almost certainly be a cheaper mod than installing a walk-in tub.
Last, there are many many posts about people who simply cannot get their elders to wash at all, sometimes for weeks. Ahmijoy mentioned holding your nose! If you just told her that it was the aides or nothing, how would she react to not washing at all, particularly if you told her that she smelled?
Best wishes, and I hope that you can feel better soon. You have a difficult job.
You need to tell Mom the aide is there for you as much as for her. That you will not be able to bath her on your days off. Those days are for getting caught up on chores. So she needs to allow the aide to bath her. I never felt guilty because bathing and toileting were not things I enjoyed. I get overwhelmed easily. I think thats why I am organized. Now I am older I don't take on more than I am capable of.
Is this mass life threatening?
As for the dog, I don’t tolerate anyone verbally or physically abusing my animals. They’d get the tongue-lashing of their lives. Mom has to know she is a “guest” but the dog is a permanent resident. The dog is going nowhere but if she finds him objectionable, you’ll be happy to make other living arrangements for her, not the dog.
Im not going to ask why you took her, but I am going to comment that things need to change before you crash and burn completely.
I hope no one here says “Why did you take her?”! I took my mom in similar circumstances because I loved her and wanted to be sure that she’d receive good care, but when “good care” became having to sleep on an air mattress on the floor beside her bed because she REFUSED to call for help when she had to use the commode, and when I’d slept on that floor for MONTHS with no chance for respite, my husband, who also loved her dearly, put his foot down and insisted that a 24/7 aide be hired, and when THAT was only partly successful, I tearfully and regretfully placed her in a wonderful nursing facility in which she THRIVED for 5 1/2 years, until her death at 95.
If you have the strength left to do so, have a conversation with her, and lay down her new life plan, and stick to it. She is acting like a child because it’s working for her, and the only thing you are guilty of is allowing yourself to be manipulated, and YOU deserve better.
If you’re not yet researching a good nursing facility, start doing that now too. After assuming that my mom would die of a broken heart within 6 months of placing her, she lived 5 1/2 much better years than she’d lived during her previous 30. Her caregivers doted on her and she loved them back. I still remain in contact with some of them.
You will never be the caretaker you want for her if you’re caring for her at the expense of your wellbeing. No parent ever wants their care to be a source of damage to a beloved child.
Good luck, Prayers, and Hope.
Maybe it's her husband (your brother) who should be doing more.
The shortest route, if you can face it, is to harden your heart/nose about the bathing and hair-washing issue. My first guess would be that your mother doesn't like the way the c/g's do it, but with the greatest care and respect to her - tough! If there are issues such as choice of toiletries, method of drying, very personal things like that, encourage her to say honestly what she does like rather than criticise what they're doing wrong. If it's not liking complete strangers seeing her in the buff, reassure her that they are professionals, they are trained and discreet, and it's a lot less traumatic for them than it is for you!
If she's mean to your dog...
I wouldn't know what to do about that either :(
Except retort that at least the dog never gives you any trouble!