My 90 year old mom just moved in with my husband and me. Thirty years ago I had hospice for my dad, and he died in my home, in our bedroom. To this day I find I look over to where he died and remember…
I’ve realized I truly don’t want to experience this again with my mom, as she is now in an addition we put on which will be the main floor master when she is no longer with us.
I realize she could die suddenly and obviously there’s no control over that, but if it ends up being a slower process, how do I negotiate not having her actually die in the home? She has been adamant that she doesn’t want to be in a nursing home, at all.
Thanks in advance for your feedback!
Be prepared though. As we all know, anyone can die at any time and often there is absolutely no advance notice. So you are not going to be able to control where she dies. My dad had a stroke in my living room and it never bothered me too much. When we still had the chair he slipped out of, I could "see" him there sometimes but that went away when we got new furniture in the living room. Not to get rid of his image, just because we needed it. That's an option - redecorate, move the furniture around, etc.
I'm sure you can find a way to deal with it if it happens again. Death is part of life so try not to get too freaked out about it.
Good luck.
My husband passed away last November. He was bed bound in a hospital bed, which I had located in our den. He was in that location so I could keep an eye on him all the time. He had a nice view out of the doors in both directions. I couldn't very well let the location where he died haunt me. My solution was to place a huge, beautiful Christmas tree in the spot where he died. It helped chase the sad feelings away re the locations. I'm now in the process of redecorating the room, which was long overdue. I had put everything on hold during the time my husband was declining so as not to create stress. Again, my husband and I really loved each other, so no spooky feelings about where death occurred. He wanted to be at home, and I was blessed to be able to care for him.
When the time comes that you feel hospice is required, get the doctor to write an order for an evaluation. Once approved, have mom placed in a hospice house/facility where you can go visit her daily, and where she can be tended to 24/7 by their staff. "Being adamant" about not wanting to be in nursing home is actually a selfish statement for a parent to make, and does not take the children's needs or wants into consideration. Life doesn't always pan out the way we'd like it to, or turn out to be a neat and simple process, especially where death is concerned. I think it's 100% fair and reasonable to have mom placed in a hospice facility when she is approaching the end of her life; that's not a 'nursing home' and you'll have done the most you can for her by the time that determination is made.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation
The second is to ‘get over it’. Like your own concern, this does sound a bit insensitive. However most houses of any age have had deaths take place in them, and older houses have had many births/ stillbirths/ illnesses as well. If you read Dorothy Sayers murder mysteries, in ‘Busman’s Honeymoon’ Lord Peter Wimsey says that generations of his ancestors had been both born and died in the same bedroom and in the same carved bed (I think they changed the mattresses!). This was when the honeymooners were facing a night in the murdered man’s bed. I’ve read of young couples being determined to ‘build their own house’ new, to be absolutely positive that no-one had died in it. It’s not very intelligent – if a child died, would they move out?
When I have a disturbed night, I sleep in the single bed that was my mother's. When my elder sister Mary was 15, me 12, younger sister 9, we shared a large bedroom. My grandfather (who lived with us and my single mother) died at home of cancer, and in a week or two Mary moved into his room. My mother wouldn’t have put up with a difficult hissy fit at such a stressful time, but I can’t remember that Mary ever raised a problem with it. There really wasn’t much choice, and leaving the room empty wasn’t sensible.
I’d certainly plan on a redecoration of the room, different color, different bed (presumably queen will be necessary instead of single/ hospital), different curtains, different furniture position etc.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do, Margaret
The room my mom is in is the only bedroom on the first floor - we had planned a very large master suite addition to a very small bedroom there, almost apartment-like, and then Covid hit just as we were getting started! The project needed to be scaled way down, so although it’s a very beautiful space for her, it’s nowhere near the size we had hoped for and is the only room she would be able to use. But I do appreciate your thoughts on the subject, thanks very much.
Look around now for a resource for you - a counselor who is trained in bereavement issues. Not the same as ordinary grief/loss or depression. Sorting out the impact of your father's death now will help a lot to allow you to be present to your mother and the current situation.
To find someone with bereavement training - ask your MD, ask the local hospital social services department, ask the local hospices (non profits often have more resource suggestions than the profit ones), ask your friends if they have a good therapist and then ask that therapist about bereavement vs. depression. And if talking to the first person does not help, try again.
Worked as a hospice nurse, and really hope you are able to find some effective support.
Are there hospice homes near you. My Aunt was in one and said it was really nice. Medicare pays for the care but not the facility, so that would be private pay.
Many people on this forum will understand your PTSD.
The best way to change your fear may be to adapt your outlook.
All planning around death brings no guarantees.
i have had problems with similar spots in my home. Short of moving, I’ve come around to regard these sites as places of love, life, comfort and courage.
I was concerned when one of my young teens experienced my mother’s passing. I was specifically considering she might need counseling.
Several days after Mom died I was worrying about the fact that my daughter had been there. I asked her how she was doing with the experience and, to my surprise, she said she was grateful. She even said she would have been devastated (she specifically
said she would not be able to forgive herself) if she had not been there for her grandma to help her through at such a terrifying moment (for my Mom).
These words have helped me with my own internal struggle.
The thing is. Come what come may, you are not going to have the same experience with your mother. Of course that doesn't mean it's something you'll want to dwell on every night, staring at the ceiling... "sheesh. Six inches from my left shoulder...." but it *may* mean that you're dreading a paper tiger.
Practical matters: do you have a room in the main house where you could set up a hospital bed and comfortable, cheerful furnishings ready for when she needs hospice?
I do appreciate your observations and will definitely think on it, thank you.