Anyone have ideas how to best handle this tricky situation?
My ex mi, just died. Her youngest son J - a man of about 50 - has been being given money by his mum for years to the extent that she hardly had her own needs met. He is on disability, antidepressants and probably street drugs (crack pipes found), He collapsed when she died, was sent to ER, but recovered enough to collect her belongings from the hospital. Her other son, my ex, meanwhile stepped in to start making arrangements for cremation etc. However he needs ID that is in her wallet which #2 son has. There are lots of bad feelings between the two sons, so they cannot talk and nor can the POA as #2 son has alienated her. He has also made a wild accusation against me (he is pretty paranoid) but it seems that I am on the best terms of the three of us. Ex does not want any of whatever money is left nor any of the belongings except copies of any photos which have also been requested by other family members. After the divorce I remained friends with my ex mil for years and years which is the reason I am involved. We ( ex, POA and myself) only want to see her given a decent burial and we are willing to help ex bil with what needs to be done. No executor was named so it is basically up to family to look after things. Ex will get the death certificates so they can be sent to whoever needs them - pension people and so on, I will offer help from sig other and I to #2 son to move her belongings from the ALF to wherever he likes. Approaching #2 son to get the ID is the hard part. Any suggestions?
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I have a couple of suggestions, although I'm not sure they would work as I've never had to get someone's ID.
I'm assuming one of the IDs is a driver's license, whether currently valid or not.
You might try contacting the DMV or other state agency that issues them and ask about getting a duplicate copy only for the purpose of funeral identification. You could just explain that the family is not able to locate the ID but it's required for the final arrangements of burial.
Doctors and hospitals typically make copies of ID, at least in our case they have. Perhaps the hospital in which she was last at could provide a copy. I would try to contact an administrator for that though. Or perhaps other treating doctors' offices might have copies as well.
If she applied for insurance later in life, or was in hospice, these are also sources for copies of the ID.
Probably the POA should handle this as I doubt such personal information would be released otherwise.
I don't know if banks in your area require ID; I believe the last time we set up new accounts our bank copied both our driver's licenses. So that's another possibility.
I doubt if you would need a birth certificate but if you do, the county register of deeds (as it's called in my area) provides duplicate copies, for a fee of course.
Hope this helps.
However, it does sound as if he isn't particularly cooperative.
I agree that the funeral home has probably dealt with a similar situation. It may have ways of expediting this issue.
Is the home requiring these originals before making final arrangements?
But your comment that he moves around also makes me wonder if the IDs are secure? Is anyone addressing the issue of stopping and/or blocking all MIL's accounts so the ID's can be fraudulently used?