Yesterday I went to my mothers to try and help her with some things and was going to take her to the bank today to try and figure out some issues she was having with the loan on their property. My moms birthday was also yesterday she was 93. So a little back ground. 12 years ago my brother was basically homeless and he had burned every bridge. I took him in but we couldn’t keep him with us as we were struggling at this point in our lives. So my mom didn’t want him there, but finally relented and I took him over to her place which is 2.5 hours from everyone else in the family. My dad shortly after was diagnosed with cancer and my brother of course took him to Drs appointments and many times we were told to stay away because things were to difficult there. We all sent money and tried to help from a distance and would go do work around the property and not go inside and stuff. So my brother has been there for 12 years. My mom Pays him also provides him a cabin to live in and food and internet and such. So yesterday I was trying to help my mom find out information about this loan as I’ve begun paying this loan and things just don’t add upon looking I found out that my brother is on both bank accounts and she has written him checks for upwards of $1,700 a month. My parents have nothing except they were both getting SS and they have cabins that they were renting out until COVID hit. I do not think my mom realizes how much she is giving him but it’s more than I make in a month but I’m paying this loan payment regardless. So yesterday my brother who has been in his cabin all day shows up to eat (my mom still cooks for him) we had offered to go get dinner since it was my moms birthday. He didn’t want that so he came up to find something and she started cleaning off the table for us. My husband had taken our 14 year old son with him to get the food. My brother tells her to stop cleaning off the table that he wasn’t going to be staying. I was there helping her and I said to her he said he’s not staying. She said well I still need to move these for us to sit and eat. So he said angrily don’t do that I’m not staying. I said she’s cleaning it off for us she’s fine and she had set a basket of bananas in the floor. He says oh that’s right I can’t say anything in my own home and started to storm out. My mom was like what is going on. He said I asked for you to stop but I get over ridden. I said she was clearing it off for us. He said mom knows I eat a banana every night yet she moved them. I said I didn’t hear you say anything about wanting a banana my mom said me either he told me to shut up or he would shut me up.( He has a history of violence) I said I’m calling the police he said you won’t live to make that call. I said leave this house now he said it’s my house. I said you live out there this is moms house. I called my husband to come back and he did but he didn’t want to stay because my brother has my moms shot gun with him out in the cabin. I couldn’t leave my mom like that she kept making excuses for him like always. There is so much more to this than I can even get into right now. I said mom there is no excuse for him getting so mad over a banana. I know she is dependent on him as he is dependent on her. A few weeks ago he texted me saying he needs a poa so he can take over things. My mom has some short term memory issues but she is sharp as a tack. I told him then that we would both be on a poa and I wouldn’t go against moms decisions or wishes because she can still make decisions for herself. He told me then we have a problem. I said nothing more about it to him. He says he wants to sell the property and he needs to obtain a loan to pay off the property and to live on until it sells. My mom says she wants to give him $50,000 when it sells. I said mom there are laws you can’t give him that kind of money because when you go into a nursing home Medicaid will look back 60 months to see if anything like that happened.
Do you understand that?
As long as your mother chooses to live with and enable her unrehabilitated, convicted felon son who is not getting treatment apparently, you have no standing or ability to keep her safe.
Please call the authorities (APS).
And stop paying the loan.
Call Adult Protective Services in Mom's area and report her as a vulnerable adult who is being financially abused.
Be sure to mention that the abuser is a mentally ill family member with firearms.
Stop paying the loan. Immediately.
Only the State has the means/authority to fix this problem.
I do not think it advisable to serve as POA here, nor to share POA with someone who so easily pulls a gun.
As to your own funds, if you are independently wealthy then that's fine; but if you expect to have anything for your own elder years I would reconsider investing in this family dynamic in any way.
Stop throwing money at this mess and think about your own old age.
Since when does your brother have the right to call the shots? People who feel entitled, like your brother does, will always try to gain control.
No one should cave in and give him what he desires. ‘Keeping the peace’ attitude never works out well in the end. So what if your mom gets angry with you.
You may as well allow her to become angry. She will get over it, and if she is as sharp as you claim, she will thank you later for protecting her.
In fact, focus on the fact that you are looking out for her best interests and push anything out of your mind.
Right now, she is too emotionally attached to your manipulative brother.
Once she has some distance from him, hopefully she will be able to see things more clearly.
I would not be involved with that group whether in terms of visiting, arguing about bananas or giving money. I would report them to APS. If APS isn't finding any problems that's fine. I would move on and away with my own life.
That's just me. The last thing I would want with this group is a POA or guardianship.
If you bail out your mom and or brother you will continue to do so until you need a bail out as well. Why put you and your family in financial risk. (You are also teaching your kids, grandkids that it is ok to make poor decisions cuz someone will help out)
No one is POA so mom can make all the poor decisions she wants and your brother can continue to manipulate her until he is done with her, sells her property and kicks her out.