Hi all, I have been living with my mother for several years in 2 different states. She and I were a lot alike, so we got on well and learned how to have a good relationship with (i.e. letting the other know when there was a problem.) That's always been hard for me, and my mother. I paid my bills, she paid hers and we collaborated on the rest. I was unemployed some of the time so I treasure that I got to spend so much time with her. Last December she went in for a schedule heart valve surgery and pacemaker insertion. She came home and was fine for a few days, then had a cardiac arrest. I gave her chest compressions, the paramedics were able to stabilize her and she went back to the hospital where we let her go on 12/23/2025. I lost my job in February 2026 because I couldn't keep up with paperwork. (my job was very accomodating when I had to spend so much time at the hospital but it was fee for service, meaning I didn't get paid for doing it, but I was not allowed to do it at home. I know now that it was depression holding me back and prevented me from having any "get up and go" to do anything. I finally got my doctor to prescribe Adderrall which has helped immensely. So my brother (lives in UK), and my sister have told me I will have to move because I can't afford the taxes (my mother lived in a wealthy area.) I didn't say anything at that time because I was numb throughout the funeral etc. I think I could afford taxes after the estate finishes going through probate, which I understand could take a year or more. But then I would have to buy my sister and brother out and I don't know the process is but not sure I want to go thru it. I also have no idea how much I'll be getting from the estate and investments. I am job searching but afraid that I am going to fail again. I thought that I would take a break from being a therapist and find a job where productivity is not such an issue. I am still paying my own bills but my sister is paying the rent which I appreciate but I feel guilty. It has to be enough to support myself, I would like to start paying rent so I have some control again but the rent is part of the estate so I may not be able to do that. My sister is the executor of the estate, has to deal with complicated legal issues in our state (we both live near the border of 2 states so we're only about 30 minutes away.) She is a psychologist so can be controlling (no shade to any doctors out there.) If I'm in a good space I can let her know if I don't like what she's doing but I usually come up with what I want to say a day or 2 after whatever happened. I have noticed my sister being very critical towards me lately. for example: she came over yesterday to help clean out and reorganized my pantry because it wasn't to her liking. We got to go through all Mom's stationary etc., which is what I wanted but because she did the pantry she over did it. My therapist pointed out that my mother who had a very sweet personality said thank you or complimented me when I did something and vice versa. And my therapist noticed that my sister doesn't do that much. I try to remember my sister is grieving too, she told me that she is angry at Mom for leaving. I have only a few friends, trying to find more, no significant other. I do have an 11 year old Doberman/Rottweiler who is showing signs of aging so I am afraid of what will be coming soon, although I try not to. I believe she has lost her hearing so I worry about her a lot. I just feel lost. How do people handle this? I am 56 years old and I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.
Your afraid of getting a job because you're afraid of failing. You don't take criticism well, preferring to be praised and complimented for everything. You fear losing your aging Doberman Rottweiler. You have no source of income, yet seem to think you are paying your own bills. Well, except rent. Sister is paying that for you. Your plan is to squat in mom's house until probate is settled, hoping to get a payout from her estate. Mom should have taught you how to be an independent adult years ago.
At 56, it seems you are too fragile to manage your own life without mom. How do people handle this? By recognizing that no one is going to come to your rescue and take care of you. It is all on you to take care of yourself. Start by getting a job. And thanking your sister for managing the complicated legal issues of settling your mother's estate.
it will catch up with you and financial stress may be more than you can cope with
even if you had a fantastical paid job it still seems too much
sell up divide your monies and start a new
house taxes
house uptake - repair is expensive
just living is
I think it would be prudent to think of future plans
I’m sure rest of your family wouldn’t be too sympathetic of you had to go to them asking for money
if you’re in disagreement
get financial planning advice - in the uk some are free
That will work things out for you
and I’m sure it will come back not a great idea to overstretch yourself
sorry to hear about your dog
Just out of interest - fur you to answer personally to yourself
are you trying to hold onto the house/for the memory
If that’s the reason maybe talk to a counsellor and release those feelings
wishing you the best
Without a job, not sure how you can plan anything. You will get nothing until the estate is settled. What you are going to do with the house will have to be decided sooner than later because probate can't be closed until it is. How is the Will written? Does the house get sold and profit split? Did Mom leave it to you in a life estate? If so, you will be responsible for taxes, bills and upkeep on it. Buy out is based on the equity in the home.
You need to get that job. Can't make future plans without it.
Can you clarify that you live in the USA? If so, you said you don't know what you will be inheriting so how can you know whether it can cover the [property?] taxes or not? Can it cover the taxes year after year? My property taxes here in the US state of MN are eye-watering and go up every year. Mine went up 15% from last year alone.
Why must you buy out your siblings? Why not they buy you out, or all 3 of you sell the property? My good friend who has also been our financial advisor for decades told me to never keep a property for sentimental reasons (as I inherited my Aunt's pretty humble but very sentimental house in FL recently). I am selling it even though it is hard to let it go. It will be a money drain for multiple reasons if I keep it. Sell your share, talk to a financial advisor to protect your inheritance and live a more financially secure life. You won't regret it.
I think your advice is good. we moved here from Ohio after my dad passed and that involved packing up the house I grew up in. it was too big to maintain, so technically I just did this several years ago.
I don't think my sister wants to deal with the taxes, and my brother lives in the UK, so he has no interest in the house.
Don't expect sister to be all warm and fuzzy and take the place of mom! Not going to happen. You have a wonderful opportunity to make of your life what you wish. No spouse, no SO, nowhere you must live, a dog and no one to make demands unless you let them. Don't let them. Start thinking of where you'd like to buy once you receive the inheritance. Go look at some over-55 communities. Such a place would be perfect for you because there are all kinds of socialization opportunities and activities if you want them. If not, stay home with dog and enjoy your own peace.
A lot of people would love to be living the possibilities you have! Good luck in exploring them.
I'm sorry for the loss of your mother.
Thank you.
You can't fix your issues with your sister until you fix your issues with yourself. It sounds like mom's house is out of your reach financially, and you really need to make peace with that and find out what is reasonable for you. If you allow the home to be sold and the money split you'll have a little next egg to start your next chapter. It's all really hard and I wish nobody had to make big changes while dealing with grief.