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My 95 year old mother is competent according to her doctor. She lives alone but is a hoarder. She is also a compulsive gambler and she also drinks booze every night. All of her 95 years she has been competent but she is also nutty. She has undiagnosed bipolar or something but refuses to go to the doctor for that. I took her to the foot doctor yesterday to get her toenails cut and in the waiting room she wanted new business cards with the doctors names, phone numbers and addresses. I gave her 3 of them. She was digging in her purse for old appointment cards and showed me 2 of them from 2014 and 2015. I said do you want me to throw those old ones out? She handed them to me so I tossed them in the garbage can next to me. All of a sudden she asks where the appointment cards are. I said I threw them out. She started screaming in the waiting room. Don’t throw them out!!! Get them out of the garbage. They were right on top so I got them out. I handed them to her. Now in the meantime the nurse came out and called her name. I went to take her arm and she says don’t touch me!! I will walk with the cane myself. We went in the room and I went in with her. She was nice as pie to the nurse. She said the doctor will be right in to see you. She left. We waited 10 minutes for the doctor in silence. He came in and she’s all nice and chatty with him. It all makes me sick how she treats me. I limit my time with her. I just can’t bring myself to completely walk away. It’s my nagging conscience won’t let me completely walk away. I just was trying to point out that she is independent and competent one minute and nutty the next minute. But like I said. She has always been nutty. It’s nothing new. She’s been a hoarder and gambling addict for the last 20 years.

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For years and years and years I was the one who instigated and kept a relationship alive with my mother. I did the calls, the visits, taking the kids to visit Grandma--and you know what? She never cared. Not one bit.

I don't know why. I'm not her favorite kid, OK. I can handle that, but the complete lack of communication with her when I am not the one starting it tells me she never thinks of me or my family.

And when I did see her/call her, the conversations were all about which if the other kids I had seen, what were they up to? what were they doing? And then she'd go off of her own train of thought about her few friends and their lives.

She isn't mean exactly, just not interested in anything that doesn't directly affect her.

I was dxed with cancer early this spring. I have 1 more chemo appt and then will begin the process of healing. Has she called me once to see how I am? (18 weeks, so far)..has made a single effort to check on me or visit? even a card?

Nope.

She lives 5 minutes away. Doesn't drive, but lives with YB's family who have 6 drivers living there. Have any of them come by or called or acknowledged this difficult time for me?

Nope.

Is this neglect due to selfishness or dislike or some long held anger? I have no idea, and so to protect myself and be in the best mental health I can be in, I have gone no contact with her. Even if she did call, I wouldn't answer and a card would be returned. Maybe that's childish, but I am so done after 60+ years of this behavior.

You do not have to out yourself in the way of negative relationships/friendships that bring you down.

It just hurts so much when it's your parent. I've 'lost' several friends through this trial and I guess they weren't really 'friends' if they can't ride out the tough times with you.
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Hellebore7 Oct 2019
My MIL is like this. Just, doesn't seem to much care what DH or me are up to. Meanwhile she has other kids she seems much more interested in.

I'm so sorry you're going through this without much support. Hopefully you have both a good therapist and some other friends who haven't proven to be the fair weather kind. Hugs to you!
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My mother is 94 and is a mean, nasty, bossy person who abuses everyone. I no longer speak to her, I've had enough. I feel no guilt, no nothing, just relief that I no longer will have to deal with her. It was either her or me...I chose me.
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2019
Dolly,

Hi, do you mind if I private message you soon? I’d like to discuss my feelings about my mom with you daughter to daughter. I think it may help me resolve a few things.

My mom will be 94 in November. I am almost 64. I no longer have a relationship with her.
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My mthr was the same but from the time I was a child. She abused me terribly but I was unable to get the guts to walk away until I entered psychotherapy with a good therapist who was experienced with alcoholic families - they are much the same as hoarders because of the shame and secret keeping. Mthr told me she would die, that she would kill her self, and similar things before I separated from her. I was simply another possession.

Everyone around her knows how terribly she talked about me. I kept trying to establish a relationship with her after several year long breaks, and they did not work. I had to let her go. I would never have that loving mother daughter relationship with her, and it was very hard to grieve. But I have children and as Dr. Laura says, you have two chances for that great relationship - with your parents and with your own children. I protected my kids from her and have great relationships with them.

So what happened after I left the last time? 8 years later, Adult Protective Services for her county had several reports of her wandering and that she was potentially destitute. They befriended her and took her to a doctor. Mthr remembered her son in laws last name and state, and they found us through the internet. By this point, mthr was passive so we were able to place her in a memory care here where she is warm, dry, fed, and has running water. I am not involved in her care except to pay the bills and visit once in a blue moon. She still would attack me verbally and try physically until her dementia progressed further.

I don't know why she does not like me, but that's not my problem. She has enough money to pay her own way or I would have made her a ward of the state and let them make her decisions. I feel sorry for her now that she has run absolutely everyone away who could be interested in her welfare. She was unaware that she ran everyone off.

I'm in a Children of Hoarders group online - everyone is concerned about the hoarders' feelings but not about their kids. I'm on your side, and you don't need to worry about your mom. You can't change her. You can change the way you react, and walking away from the abuse is a very positive change. Stay in touch with the boards- they can be very healing.
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My dad has always had an eruptive temper and I spent most of my childhood trying to not make my father mad. As an adult I didn't live with him so there were fewer times for him to erupt but occasionally it would happen. The first time I really set a boundary he was so surprised that he eventually apologized! I had made dinner for him and as I was putting it on the table he started yelling about something I had said a few days before concerning his front step (it needed repair). He went on and on and on about how I was so stupid, etc, etc. and as he was yelling I took the meatloaf I had made and cut it in half and wrapped it in aluminum foil and put half the mashed potatoes in a container. I handed him the meatloaf, potatoes and a can of green beans and told him to get out. I explained that wouldn't not give him dinner but I didn't have to put up with his behavior. He didn't believe me. I opened the front door and just stood there. He had never had me stand up for myself before. We had no contact for about 2-3 weeks. He called to apologize. First, last and only time. But now he stops himself before he gets too wound up. Long story to say just set your boundaries - my dad knows I won't abandon him but I don't have to put up with him. I'll make certain he gets fed but I don't have to do the feeding. I'll make certain he gets the care he needs but I don't have to do it. He'll always have a temper but I don't have to be the one who puts up with it.
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If your mom is legally competent but abusive to you, why would you feel guilty about walking away and not sticking around to be treated like $hit?

Have you always been the kind of person who stays in relationships with abusive persons? It might be worthwhile to invest in psychotherapy to help you work on that issue.
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elaine1962 Sep 2019
Barbbrooklyn, yes I have been in psychology for many years and no I am not in an abusive relationship with my husband. Therapists tell me to limit my contact with her. Even though she has always been nutty and eccentric she was always there for me and my kids. She hasn’t always treated me like sh*t. It has only been the last couple of years when she hasn’t been able to drive. She would have done anything for me or my kids in the past. She would have given me the shirt off her back but in these last 2 years has treated me like sh*t. She has always had nutty behavior but use to direct it at my father. Or directed her anger at someone else but now it is me. So it’s hard to walk away because we had a lifetime of her being there for me. But 2 years of sh*tty behavior towards me on her part. So that’s why it’s hard for me to walk away. It hasn’t been a lifetime of her treating me like sh*t. Only 2 years of my lifetime of her treating me like sh*t. I’m almost 58 years old. That’s why I am torn!!
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Elaine; You will ease your conscience by arranging for your mother's care.

Has she seen a geriatric psychiatrist? Meds may help.

Do you know that UTIs in the elderly sometimes cause behavioral issues? Have her tested.

If she is non-demented, walking away (like really AWAY) when she verbally abuses you may cause her to learn not to do so.

So, you're at the doctor and she starts in..."sorry mom, I need to go, I won't stand for the way you're talking to me; I'll get a cab to wait for you. It will be outside".

And then LEAVE.

Your father put up with this; you do not have to.
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elaine1962 Sep 2019
Thank you barbbrooklyn I will try that next time. Your advice really helps!! I was at work the other night, I work the overnight shift, and my mother calls me at 2am to say her toes hurt. Now in the past I would have left work to go help her soak her feet. But instead I said go soak your feet and I will call the foot doctor at 8am. She said ok and we ended the phone call. By the way she said her toes hurt for the last week!! So when I called the foot doctor she said either today at 1pm or tomorrow at 3pm. I said tomorrow at 3pm. I worked all night and couldn’t function to get her ready at 1 that day. So I called my mother and told her tomorrow at 3. She said that’s fine. Whatever is convenient for you. My toes aren’t hurting since I soaked them she said. So I was proud of myself for the little baby step I took by not rushing to her house and leaving work. I was also proud of myself for telling her the next day because I needed sleep!!! I wouldn’t have done that in the past. I would have been at her every whim!!! Baby steps, lol.
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That is exactly what I did...Barb is right.

you need to have boundaries and enforce them. My experience dealing with “nutty” as you describe it .. they really take it out on those they feel will put up with it.

i kept telling the guy I was helping that I wasn’t a slave...I could just walk away at any time, so he needed to realize which side of the bread the butter is on.

finally, he started screaming at me and calling me names while we were in a car rental place. I just said to him. “That’s the last time you sh*t on me” and I walked out, Refused to take any calls for a week. Left him to figure out how to get himself home.

when I did see him again..I told him the next time I have to walk out on him...I would NEVER take his calls again.

you need to defend yourself and your boundaries, because she has gotten away with this for so long...the first time you put a stop to it..it will have to be full breaks on and totally shut her out for a long period of time,,,to drive that point fully home. Otherwise, you will just be right where you are now all over again. I know, I rode the rollercoaster.
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There is no reason at all for your to take your mother's abuse.

She is competent according to her doctor, so she can get herself to the doctor as needed.

Have the proper planning documents been put in place? Will, POA, Heath Care Representative etc? Beyond that walk away.
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Elaine; You walk away from someone who isn't cooperating with the help you give them.

You WOULD walk away from an abusive cancer patient; a person who is abusive (mentally ill or otherwise) needs more help than an ordinary human can give. They needs meds and three shifts of trained caregivers.

Someone who is simply physically frail and who understands that they are dependent upon a loved one for care, someone who says please and thank you and is not demanding and inconsiderate of the needs of other family members can be cared for at home in some situations.

Folks who think that they are the center of the universe? Not.
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elaine1962 Oct 2019
Barbbrooklyn I agree!!! Thank you!!!
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Heck yes ! I just filed for emergency leave without pay so that I could take my mother to a neurologist.
We just got back from the trip, I went back to work...the next day I visit my mom and she tells me she is going to remove me from her will because I am never there for her ! That I am the only child who never helps her out.

That's right me, the one who just spent a weekend with her at the doctor's.

I know it's the dementia speaking but dang...this is hard !
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