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in your state, could you fil go to an assisted living; my dad wanted to but in his state, they're on a social model and can't assist with anything medical; the other question would be could he afford it, especially if he would be thinking just temporary, which, if you could even get him thinking that way at all, he might not be, since he'd declared his move-in with you was going to be permanent, in which case, maybe if he couldn't afford it otherwise, he could possibly sell his house, which is what my dad was going to do
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I’m with everyone else... this is your home. And truly, your first responsibility is to your children. Here is another thought to consider... perhaps FiL would do well to have a short, 1-3 month, stay at an assisted living community. He would have the help he needs and can be the king of his own castle while he’s there. Once he recovers, he may decide he likes it and decides to stay with his peers. Best of luck, be that momma bear, set boundaries and take good care of yourself.
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Sorry, sweetheart, but YOU are complicit in this! FIL came and took over, but YOU let him! That is YOUR AND YOUR CHILDRENS HOUSE TOO. There's only one word you, AND your husband, need to learn to use NOW, and that's "NO"!!! If fact, not just NO, but "HELL NO, not for the rest of my and my children's lives!!!! " You have to take control of your lives again. Don't just roll over. Get a spine and put a little into your husband too...he needs it bad.

What FIL is doing is unconscionable and unfair, LONG term. If he was climbing 60 ft trees not long ago, he CANT be in that bad a shape physically, except for the cancer. Many people live many years with cancer and treatments. The Dr gave him a good prognosis, let him go home and figure out what he wants to do with his OWN life. There are many support groups to point him in the right direction and help him find help for transportation, etc to his appointments. What? Do you have to drop everything! Haul your kids AND him all around the town when he needs it?! I don't think so! Babies need to have structure and nap times and feeding times, etc.
No child should have to take care of able parents for the rest of their lives, it's totally unfair. If your husband doesn't get a reckoning of what HIS life will be like..."yes daddy, whatever you say daddy"...then I don't have much hope for you family long term.

Regain control and start drawing some lines ASAP, that's my advice. You and your husband need to do that together In whatever way gets results. And stop feeling guilty immediately. You're adults here, not compliant little children. You need support as well! Your kids need to laugh, play, shout, sing, whatever again. Family fun needs to start now...my dear NOW. Too soon grown and too soon, sorry they didn't get to be children. It's up to YOU. What do you want to look back on some day. What kind of memories do you want your kids to have?
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OMG the man is 60 and has a fiancee who could care for him? There is the answer to your problem. It is entirely unfair for your husband to put all of this on you. I suspect he has no idea how taxing it is for you to take care of the kids to begin with. Making you a servant to his father is not loving, it is disrespectful to you. I agree with the other commenters. Your husband needs to hear from a third party, whether it be a counselor, friend or family member, that this situation is unfair and burdensome to you and will destroy your family if it continues. I'm curious as to why his father decided to impose himself on you versus his fiancee. Does he not want her to see him in this condition? Or is it just easier to take over your household because he knows nobody will object? Ultimately, if your husband won't do it, you will have to sit down with your FIL and outline a plan for his next steps (have it ready ahead of time) and tell him this is YOUR home, the kids play in the living room and he is welcome to watch tv in another room if he doesn't like it. I am a cancer survivor and I know that it can turn a patient's life upside down but it is up to your husband to be there for him. Not you. Would your husband allow a member of YOUR family to behave this way?
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Nobody in any kind of healthy relationship would make a decision to move into someone else’s home, let alone think they were in charge when they got there. You really need to drop the guilt about not accepting the abnormal/controlling behavior of your fil. You are 100% correct to have boundaries for you and your children.
If he will be allowed to stay in the house at all during treatment, he needs to have it made crystal clear that his room is his refuge from noise/toys and he is welcome to join the family when it is comfortable for him.
Counseling is essential. Probably all 3 adults would benefit (not together!) but it sounds doubtful that fil would go!
You & you husband certainly need to. I do not believe you have ANYTHING to fell guilty about.
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Your husband is behaving like a coward. Your FIL had no right to declare that he was permanently moving in, and he belongs in his own home. Should your husband want to do 100 percent of the actual caregiving that he unreasonably believes his father needs, then your husband ought to move in with his dad at his father's home until his father no longer needs a full time caregiver. There is no good reason for you to leave your home and uproot your children from their home. And please stop letting your FIL boss you around. He cannot walk all over you unless you lie down!
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Avshey88 - this morning start how you intend to go on. Put on the TV what you and the kids want to watch. Bring the toys back to the living room. Politely tell FIL when he objects that this is the family space and that if he needs quiet or something else on TV - then he needs to go to his own private space. You could relate it to the kids taking naps - they do it in their space. Also - don't do his laundry - your DH can do it. Start this morning being cheerful but set the arrangements to suit YOU. it is your house, you are home during the day - you need to be the captain of the ship.

Remember FIL is NOT going to change - it is going to way he wants it to. No one is going to stand up for you, apparently, unless you do it yourself. Do not cater to FIL. Do what you and the kids want. If your DH tells you to do what FIL wants - you ask DH to take over the house, kids, and FIL.

Sometimes i just want to slap these men upside the heads!!!!

Keep us posted.
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I don't know if this is the wrong answer and I will apologize now, but your DH is NOT the one doing the caretaking (I say caretaking because it is not given willingly by you - and no, that was NOT in your wedding vows!)

Suggest to your sweet DH that he and his dad move into Dad's house, 7 miles away.

Sadly, it is your hubby that must choose but you Never Never Never leave your home!

Let your hubby take his dad and live with him a while. I am betting it won't take long for him to see your side of it. Not many men want to cook, clean and do laundry and I am guessing your DH won't want to take care of his own father; not if he can get you to do it.

I assisted my father willingly but still put him into a mobile home in my front yard - it was a nice, new mobile home and we both survived the last few years of his life. I knew I couldn't have 2 Roosters in my hen house! And you shouldn't either.
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We are all angry for you. So much good advice here. Of course FIL won't leave; you have made it too comfortable for him. Yeah, we get it -- FIL is depressed, but that doesn't excuse his behavior.

Your highest priority is your family -- husband, children, & you. The children need both parents to be strong for them & stand up to a bullying, overbearing man. Counseling will help with that. If your husband won't go, then go alone.

Meanwhile, take your home back. You were nice enough to displace your son & give FIL his own space, so he has a place to retreat to. Move toys back into the LR; watch on the TV whatever you & the kids want to watch. That is FAMILY space. Eating is at the kitchen or dining room table. If FIL doesn't like what you make for the family to eat, oh well. Have your husband or FIL fiancé do his laundry. BTW, who will be expected to take him to doctor appointments if he gets too weak to do it himself?

Before moving into FIL's house with your 2 children (Plan B), try to take your home & life back 1st. Good luck.
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Put a TV in his bedroom!

And take away the clicker for your TV.

Done...

He will then be in his room 24/7 and you can shut the door!
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Umm.... if that FIL of yours has declared he has moved in permanently.... and were I the "fiance", I would take that to mean that he intends to have no relationship with me and I would move on quickly! No more sex for him! He is truly a selfish bully (read that "narcissist") who cares for no one but himself in this whole mess. I feel badly that your husband does not see that HE is also being abused here. This FIL (by use of his behavior) has been enabled for way too long! Don't walk....RUN,RUN,RUN to counseling! You need help!
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Let's see. FIL was climbing trees in his work a few weeks ago before he was diagnosed. Now he needs a servant. Wow...

Hubs is no doubt deeply concerned about his dad.

You likely have noticed that 100% of the replies to you post are in agreement with you. I am maintaining the unanimous "you are right" sentiment.

Tell hubs that you posted a question and tell him that EVERY one of the replies says or implies he, not FIL, and definitely not you, is the problem...You might want to tell him about your resignation in the presence of a pastor or marriage counselor..

I'll add one more suggestion: Find a friend who will take you and the kids into their home for a week...Buy a good supply of frozen dinners and stock your freezer with them. Tell hubs you'll be gone for awhile and he and FIL will have to fend for themselves..Then do it. First, however, tell him that you will not keep on living like this. Show him these replies..Do not argue about what he may say about them..

Your situation iis not a death sentence, but it comes close..

God bless you.

Grace + Peace,

Bob
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I think the idea of your husband staying with FIL at his house is a great one. You can not let him take over your house and life. Is there someone that your husband would listen to? Some times if it comes from a friend or relative it sounds better.
Good luck
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It is apparent your FIL has been a dominant force in his own life and your husband. You fail to see you are the dominant force in your life, so be it. I approach the situation as First what I'm about to say, I say with love... you are not going to be the boss of me in my house, you were given a privacy zone, use it. My children and I had a routine before you entered and this should not be disrupted because you have a situation that is taking you out of your comfort zone. When I married your son, I did not expect to become your maid. I can take you to the laundry room and show you how to work the machinery or you go yourself. You were preparing your own meals before you came, you are bedridden, so the kitchen is yours and yes either load the dishwasher or use the sink. I had a similar MIL and when we had a situation I did so in a respectable way yet put my foot down, and she and I became the best of friends. Best of Luck.
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Take the kids and move into the FIL's house.
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If I were you I would suggest your husband stay home full time and if possible you
go out to work.
I am pretty sure this might help solve your problem.
My husband wanted his mother to move in with us full time.When I Told him okay
he would just have to quit his job to stay home and take care of her he quickly changed his mind.
It is easy to tell people what to do when they are not the ones who will have to do it..
good luck
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Your husband isn't happy either. How could he be? However, I have less empathy for him at this point. He's at work. You are at home making things "work."
Uprooting your kids is not ideal but it doesn't sound like home is a safe and nurturing place anymore. Don't fight with your husband, just tell him you're taking the children and moving out so he can take care of his dad during this time. Have the plan in place before you tell him. You are taking the kids so his dad can get the rest he needs. Tell him when his dad is done with treatment and back out on his own, you and the kids will be back. Go stay with your parents or someplace close with a friend so you can keep your kids routine as normal as possible. Give your attention to them.
Hold your ground. Your husband loves you --he just doesn't understand how to stand up to his father. It's time for him to learn. The only way he will, is to have to face life every day--without you and his kids. Caring for his dad in a home that is no longer really his. It won't take him long to make the right decision. Don't argue, don't raise your voice- your husband is miserable too, just not as miserable as you.
If I had taken such a stand in my marriage early on, with an overbearing MIL, the last 39 years would have been much happier for both of us.
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You definitely need to assert that this is YOUR house, not his. YOU make the rules and he abides by them. Do not, DO NOT let him take control of your lives. It is difficult for adults of different generations to live together. Added to that your FIL may feel entitled by age to assume authority over you and your household. You need to nip that in the bud and be firm. “Dad, this is our home, if you live here it is up to you to do the adjusting. And for heaven’s sake stop rearranging your lives for him. If you don’t draw a line firmly, he will erase it altogether.
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Avshey88 you are not going crazy, being unrealistic or any other negative adjectives you are thinking about yourself. This is an untenable situation for you and you have to remember that once fil moves in 'for good' that's your life over - yes, over, until he dies. Harsh to say this I know, but it's true. You will have no life of your own. So you are faced with two options - do you want your two children to be brought up in an atmosphere where both their parents' lives are conditioned by your fil, or do you want the freedom to live as you please. Having the latter may result in your having to part with your husband but basically he is trampling on your life just as your fil is doing. You are also too young to write off your own life.
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You are very sane. I'd feel the same. Carla CB's suggestion that your husband live with his dad is excellent. Your husband probably won't do that, but if you get the dad back to his own house he can work with other people and agencies for his care. This is affecting you and your kids negatively. It's worrisome that your husband doesn't back you up above anyone else. You don't want to end up a single mom with two young kids. After you get the dad out hopefully you can straighten him out on that issue so that you can have a long, strong marriage.
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This has made me so angry! My FIL behaves the same way and when we ask him to please pick up after himself - he gets mad at us.

Take back your house as others have said. FIL can watch TV in his room, your DH can do his laundry. You are not at FIL's beck and call - he can fetch for himself what ever he needs.

He is going to be angry at you - politely remind him it is YOUR house and you are caring for HIS grandchildren.

Let us know how it is going. I'm so angry on your behalf.
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countrymouse - thanks for offering a different perspective on this. I can certainly see your point. Truth is, we don't know whether Avshey's husband is a loving son reeling from his father's brush with mortality, or a spineless husband afraid to stand up to his father to protect his wife and children. Or a bit of both. That's why counseling is such a good idea and almost seems critical given the couple's opposing points of view.

To the OP, good luck and come back to let us know how it's going for you and your family, and your FIL.
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Ashley, this situation makes me so sad and so angry for you! What a horrible strain on such a young marriage. FIL is a bully. Having Stage 3 cancer is no excuse. And your husband is not much better.

So there is a fiance in the picture? Why on earth isn't FIL living with her?

Please keep us updated. We are on YOUR side. I for one have little to no sympathy for your H or your FIL.
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Get FIL a tv for his room and take back the living room. Put all the toys back. Stop doing his laundry....leave it for your husband to do. Don't cater or coddle him. If you think you can't get him out of the house just take the house back from his control. I bet if you make it uncomfortable for him he will move back to his own home. Anything that needs to be done for your FIL leave for your husband to do.
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Another one I've slept on...

This diagnosis and the first treatment happened what, about six weeks ago?

And your FIL is only sixty.

Your husband has had a heck of a shock. This happens to chime with me loudly at the moment, because my daughter's fiancé has just lost his 69 year old dad - similarly out of the blue, no warning. So if you imagine the cold sweat your husband must be breaking out in at the thought of how close a call this all could have been: that's why he wants your FIL wrapped in cotton wool and kept at home where he can supervise him, and he is assuming that any kind decent person would feel the same.

Your husband is wrong, and behaving disproportionately, and above all he is misguided in what he believes is best for FIL, but he is doing all this for good, loving reasons. It's his emotional reaction to a nasty threat. You have to restore his perspective gently.

Has he talked about how he is feeling? (He's young and male. Let me guess...) Has anyone talked to him about the impact his father's diagnosis has had on him?
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"My husband seems to have this strong mentality that he should care for his father 100% ..." Except HE is NOT. YOU are. I'm so sorry that your husband doesn't understand this.
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I'm so angry reading this that I need to vent.
The major point your husbabd is missing is that he isn't taking care of his dad, you are. At your children's expense.
If your husband and dad can't move to dads house, maybe you and the kids should. How would dad like that?
You are a much better person than I am. I would be taking care of my kids and to hell with the two men. Your husband is weak but your FIL is a bully.
This is a major event In your marriage. It will take you and your kids years to recover.
I hope you get counseling right away and figure out how to escape this trap.
You need a baby sitter and a job.
Dads expecting a full recovery but the prognosis is not so good for you and your children.
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But husband is not the one caring for FIL 100% is he?
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Good luck! Keep us posted!
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All of your suggestions are very helpful! I have huge guilt for feeling the way I do & not being able to handle it all and suck it up. I have been leaning toward seeking out couples counseling and I see now I really need to do it. Talking to my husband about any of it doesn’t work because he gets defensive and accuses me of not being strong for his dad. And that’s not the case at all. I hate his dad is going through this but it just can’t be put all on me like it has been. Esp with small kids involved. I have suggested his dad go stay at his house at least there he would get peace and quite to sleep and rest esp after treatments and I we can visit often during the day and work things out at night if we need to or that his dad can even go stay with his fiancé at least at nights go give us a break but all those ideas were shot down. My husband seems to have this strong mentality that he should care for his father 100% even when there are others who have offered to help including his fathers fiancé. At this point a third party helping guide us to a solution that works for the whole family is the only option I see. And my fil is only 60. And in all other aspects is in great health and can get around just fine when he wants to, drives places when he wants etc. I’m not sure if this whole situation is just my fil being set in his ways of living alone for so long & that’s why he can’t learn to live with me and the children and had pretty much laid claim on our house or if my husband just can’t let go of having full control of his dads health right now. He is being told he will make a full recovery even loose the trach so I just don’t see the point of permanent residence like my husband is so strongly supporting. It’s obviously issues that need addressing but just not by me alone.
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