Hello, phew i've got one to get off my chest. My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers back in 2013 and let go of her job. My dad became here primary caregiver. since then her symptoms have slowly gotten worse. last time i saw her she was in a coma state as she has been for the last few years.
My dad takes care of her, only his judgement and methods are very questionable. he claims that God is allowing her to suffer and absolutely refuses to bring her somewhere, he isn't open to conversation about it either.
She is in the very late stages where death is basically the next step. i've seen her have seizures. she has trouble swallowing food, can't chew it all up properly. she is dangerously underweight, she is stiff as a rock, has bruises on her body from who knows what. her limbs turn purple. she can't even stand on her own strength.
My dad absolutely cannot keep taking care of her. he doesn't bring her to medical appointments either, he leaves her home alone, sometimes for long periods of time, basically man handles her when he tries to move her and then gets upset when she doesn't cooperate. i don't know this for certain but i believe my dad was using her disabililty checks to pay off his house NOT get her the appropriate care she needs.
I have siblings and we have all confronted each other that we disagree the next step is confrontation but they are hesitant. I can tell. my dad comes from a very toxic family which is not his fault but I am literally starting to see some of that toxicity manifest between us and I know its because of this situation.
I've called the aps hotline but haven't filed a report i guess because i know it would trigger some very ugly feelings. but i called them and gave them moderate details and they said it definitely sounds like a neglectful situation. i was home a few weeks ago and i couldn't stand being in that house. its like my instincts knew that someone is dying right in front of me yet my dad refuses to acknowledge this.
I guess my question here, does anyone have any advice on how to cope? I am very inclined to call aps and get a report submitted but i know that once i do that there is no going back. whatever the outcome is.
any advice or thoughts are very much appreciated
I love my dad and i love my family but sometimes things done with good intentions can end up doing more harm than good.
Thank you and God bless everyone.
i really appreciate it
Think about that. What's better? To get APS involved now or the police later?
this is what i need help with understanding.
i've heard stories before of parents refusing to get children care because they think it's God's will or something ridiculous and there being severe consequences for the family
and i think about this with my dad all the time
all it takes is the wrong set of eyes to misunderstand the situation and sound the alarm on him
he has been lucky enough to not have that happen.
i understand that people have the right to make decisions for themselves
i understand that it is not a crime to have toxic behavior (to a degree)
but at what point is it crossed the line?
at what point does it become absolutely ridiculous?
at what point does it become necessary to go above everyone else and get some type of intervention that this cannot continue?
I live out of state and visit once a year but my sister lives within 20 minutes
I've brought the idea of calling aps up to all my siblings and I know they want things to change as well but I know they are hesitant and recent conversations about this sort of just fade with no real solution
I hate to be the odd man out in this situation but my conscious keeps telling me to just go ahead and make the call regardless what they think
Yes!
"Should i call APS?"
YES right now.
Here is defenseless a woman with no one advocating for her. Your Dad has expressed outloud that he thinks it's ok for her to *suffer*. What is there to ponder about this situation? Wake up! You need to call APS right now. If it were YOU rotting away and suffering with no voice, wouldn't you want someone to come rescue you??
What might happen? The courts assign her a legal guardian who WILL advocate in her best interests. She will go into hospice where she will get the comfort care she finally needs and deserves. One of your siblings should request she be located near them so they can keep an eye on her. My family has had a very positive experience with court assigned legal guardianship for my SFIL.
Don't worry about your Dad or his feelings. Most likely he has some cognitive decline himself. If he was a poor decision-maker in the past, it's not going to get any better with advancing age and mental decline. Maybe he himself needs a legal guardian.
What outcome do I wanna see?
Exactly what you said. Just to have her last days be spent comfortable in peace and not be seen in her current state
You say in the comments that you only visit once a year. So because you don't see your mother but once a year how she appears to you is going to be shocking. To the person or people who see her regularly, it is not shocking but sad.
I have had many care clients in the last stages of Alzheimer's Disease who were exactly in the state you say your mother is in. They were not neglected. They were very well cared for by family and competent, professional homecare workers.
Your mother being in a near comatose state at this point is common with late stage Alzheimer's. Thinning of skin and bruising easily is pretty common with elderly people in general even ones who are not in the final stages of Alzheimer's and are getting adequate nutrition. It is all but guaranteed for someone in your mother's condition. As for your father not taking her to appointments, there does come a time when the person cannot be taken out anymore even by professional caregivers with decades of experience in this line of work. At some point getting to the doctor's office involves an ambulance and paramedics to do the transport. Unless the person has great insurance, in my state the cost of that is about $3,000 out of pocket.
Based on what you've written, the only part you are right about is that your father cannot continue caring for an invalid with late stage Alzheimer's on his own anymore. He is not a trained homecare worker. So instead of making a once a year visit and reporting on your father to APS for abuse, why don't you and your siblings actually start helping out with your mother's care.
Here would be some good ways to start:
1) Provide some free baby-sitting service so your father can go out if he needs or wants to so he doesn't have to leave your mother alone
2) You and your siblings start handling the doctor's appointments. You and them figure out how to get her there and back and teach your father how to do virtual doctor's appointments so she won't have to be taken out.
3) Bring in some professional help. Visiting nurse once a week. Granted nurses in homecare do next to nothing but they will arrange for some CNA's who do the actual hands-on work involved. Insurance will cover some, but it's likely there will be out-of-pocket cost. If your parents can't afford it, you and your siblings should discuss how the lot of you will pay for some help.
4) You and your siblings can take turns staying at your parents' house and caregiving for your mother.
5) You and your siblings can help get your mother placed in a care facility appropriate to her needs.
As for your father using your mother's disability check to pay off 'his' house. It's their house because they are married and both living there.
the difficulty with this is that my siblings and i are all grown up and some of them have children of their own and their own lives and families to tend to.
my father has had help in the past, but his refusal to consider anyone else's perspective has pushed people away from helping him.
he is absolutely NOT open to any form of conversation or resolution he is set in his ways. she doesn't even receive basic check ups or medical treatment of any kinds.
my mother is showing the end stages very clearly and that is not something you can just sit on a couch with on a sunny afternoon and be at ease. it is painful and unsettling.
but again, i really appreciate you giving me your thoughts
do you have any experience with that type of situation?
All the best to you and your family.
i definitely see it wearing on him
and he knows it too
but just refuses help
i have no intention of making him out to be the bad guy whatsoever
but things have to change
cycles need to break
I find it utterly appalling and disgusting that you nor any of your siblings haven't stepped up to do what is right by your mom, all because you're afraid of rocking the boat with your dad.
You are all guilty of abusing your poor mom at this point by standing by and doing nothing, and I can only hope and pray that at least one of you will be man/woman enough to do what is right for your mom before it's too late.
So stop with the excuses and either call 911 NOW and have mom taken to the hospital where she will be looked after properly or the hospice agency of your choice as they're available 24/7 and will come out and do an assessment today.
I am a Home Health Aide and Certified Nursing Assistant. I have seen different types of dementia and how it progresses. It sounds like your mother is in the final stages. My suggestion is to read about the different stages of dementia.
You said that she has been in a coma for three days. People with dementia will sleep for long periods of time especially around the final stages.
About the diet: Once someone gets to this point where the swallowing and gag reflexes are no longer working properly, a dietary change is a must. Pureed, nectar thickness or pudding thick foods would be the best choice. If she doesn't feel like eating maybe offering Ensure or some type of milkshake for calories. Offer juice and water for hydration.
How is her mobility? Is she total care in bed or does she still sit up in chairs with assitance?
Skin changes: Bluish and mottled skin in the lower extremities can signal that there is something happening. A Hospice RN would be able to tell what is happening to your mom at this stage. Hospice nurses will come in and do an assessment, take vitals and make suggestions about care and diet.
Hospice is free. Also, if you don't want to go the APS route because it seems too punitive, please contact the Department of Aging in the City and State where your parents live. If it is a good agency, they will give you a list of resources to work with. See if they have resources for physicians who do actual house calls for elderly people who can no longer travel.
It sounds like both parents need help at this point. Dad is no longer able to make rational decisions because he is failing and probably in poor health himself.
About religion: I had to learn to separate proper care from magical thinking. Magical thinking does not work. True faith works along with proper care.
I wish you peace and sound mind and reasoning in this endeavor. Trust and believe, it will work out when you follow a clear plan of action and not one of denial and wishful thinking.
probably close to 3 years maybe even more
she basically sleeps most of the day at this point
her diet definitely is not suitable,
my dad feeds her regular food, pasta, cuts of meat, veggies and not much soft food
i would definitely say she is malnourished.
she has NO mobility on her own, every movement needs to be assisted and her limbs are extremely stiff
my dad lets her stand a couple times a day for 30 minutes but she has to lean in a corner to support herself
She usually screams and shouts a lot during this I've noticed
her skin color is awful. her whole aura is just pale and lifeless. i've seen her limbs turn purple too.
i am not aware that hospice is free
do you have any info where i could look into this more?