Life after death of a loved one. Any advice?

A reflection I have always liked, by Henry Van Dyke:

Gone From My Sight
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
 
Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone."
 
Gone where?
 
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.

And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"
 
And that is dying...

https://www.jw.org/finder?srcid=jwlshare&wtlocale=E&lank=docid-501100015_1_VIDEO

this is a beautiful video, I found to be helpful. Hope it comforts you and you find some good advise from it.

Msblcb: I am so sorry for your loss and send condolences. After my mother died, with whom I was living out of state in her home, I arrived home and was 'instructed' to care for a sister in law. I found that wrong to some extent because I was exhausted and I was not asked to do it (care for the SIL).

Im real sorry for your loss. My dad just passed a few weeks ago. I have anxiety normally so its been a struggle. I'll just share how I feel. When my dad first passed I was very calm but as time went on I felt more and more upset and still do at times during the day. At first I had no energy nor did I want to do anything. I was so sad and I laid down alot and struggled to do things in the beginning. I caught covid right after he passed and before the holidays which made things worse. I had alot of thoughts about my dad and remembering him made it difficult. My therapist told me I should take "breaks" and not torture myself with memories and sadness. Make sure I'm taking care of myself. That was last week. I've been a bit better and back to work. When I do things I find I feel very panicky and frantic like you said. I feel a big part of me is missing and I'm alone. I try to just let that feeling be there and keep going. Things have gotten a bit better. In the beginning I was looking for signs I would feel better and these feelings and sadness would stop. I've stopped looking for that because it was making me more anxious. Since I've felt a bit better I find I don't want to think of my dad as much. It makes me so sad. But just as I try to give myself breaks and do other things I try to give myself time throughout the day to think of him a bit and be sad too. This seems to be helping. I find people either work too much or not at all when something happens. In the beginning I had to force myself to take a break from thinking and even redirect my attention to TV or something else. Doing little things and saying this is my break from grief was helpful. Maybe that is something you can try? Short moments of relaxation. That's all I seem to be capable of now is short moments of doing things or relaxing. Which is hard for me as I'm very work and goal oriented. The capacity is just not there anymore mentally and physically. For the first time I'm not expecting much from myself and I'm being kinder to myself. Maybe this will help you too.

With my parents i feel irritation sometimes since they're not there to answer questions.

theyve been gone almost 30 and 24 years so i havent accepted their deaths yet and it seems like i can call them anytime. same for my grandmother.

my son died 30 years ago in a couple weeks. It took about 20 years to accept his death.

my oldest daughter died 4 years ago in feb. FOUR years ! Surely not !

it may not sound like it but i think ive adjusted quite well.

everyone accepts the death of lived ones in various ways.

My condolences to you and your family.
My thoughts are not meant to offend or upset anyone. I just speak from my heart. Please forgive me if you feel offended.

We all view death differently and no one can tell you how to grieve.

Sudden death to me is the most difficult to grasp, yet we come to terms with it because we must.

Maybe I’m a lot different than most, because I am a realist. I know we’re not here to stay. I have come to terms with
death knowing it’s inevitable, it’s an appointment we all must keep. It can be delayed but it can not be defeated, death will always win.

The borrowed time is outweighed by nothing on this Earth! That’s the blessing because the lifetime of memories shall remain until our last breath.

I've lost both parents, my dad was 1st and I was blessed to have laid my head on his chest as he took his last breath, I was 6 months pregnant and Father’s Day was a few days away. Mentally I was prepared, but that pain of never seeing his physical or hearing his voice took longer to conquer. To me that’s what we do in life “we conquer” we don’t allow anything to overtake us (even the death of loved ones) because we are yet alive and are worthy to be alive!

I am aware some are highly emotional, they feel and internalize more deeply, then there are those that may be more on a even keel and allow reality to guide the way, not emotionless but emotions don’t rule, reality does.

So yes, we’ll miss them, love who they are ( spirit) and who they were in the physical. The soul never dies and neither does the spirit and if we’re lucky we will get to experience their spirit in another being or family member… they may not look alike but, you will know that same spirit ( for example my grand daughter has my moms spirit and energy😊).

I read a quote somewhere that grief is love with nowhere to go. I think that feeling accounts for the anxiety and anxious feelings you are having. I can only guess that perhaps trying to channel that love into something productive or something that gives you some peace may help. We all have to figure out what that something is. I hope I can do it when I am faced with what you are going through.

Please read up on Kubler's "5 Stages of Grief" and make yourself an appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can help you cope and prescribe meds if that is appropriate. You can also learn how to prepare your end-of-life wishes by meeting with an Elder Law Attorney.

I have a different take on this. My father's needs defined how I spent my day. I also have senior pets whose needs have defined how I spend my time. When that person/pet is gone, it can be disconcerting to try to fill that vacuum. I felt like everyone else just went back to living their lives and I had to figure out how to live mine. Three years later, I still haven't jumped into activities like many people do but I have learned to live with my feelings. This will probably be the year I move on and commit to something else. I needed that time to find my new normal.

Really sorry to hear about your loss. ((hugs)) go out you. It's a hard time.

I can only relate it to my dad passing, yet I wonder and know how hard it will be in the future with my mom.

From what you have described it sounds normal reactions to me, for someone trying to cope with what's happened. Everyone's normal is different I should add.

For instance I was not frantic when my dad passed away. I'm the opposite didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, do anything, and be like this for a long time. It's only the motions we have to go through, to take care of a lost one, that make you do things you don't want to, not ready for, you just want it to all go away and get the person back.

I would definitely be snappy if someone kept asking me to eat when I didn't want to, start doing things that I wasn't ready to do. I think different personalities and the kind of support people have around them, determines how people cope with loss.

I think you're frantic now, but there'll be a time when you'll be more at rest, the frantic behavior sounds like a way of avoiding thinking about it, but there's nothing wrong with thinking about it, coming to terms with it, is the hardest thing to do.

As is always the case for everyone giving advice, it's easier to do that, than it is for the person living their situation.

My advice to you from my heart, is to slow down. think about what's happened, think of how you feel, think of the loss of your loved one, one day at a time.

I give this advice knowing very well I'll be a wreak when it happens to me and will have to try to do the same things I now giving advice about, but without the support of many close one's. I don't know how I'm going to do it.

I give you ((hugs)) and say, I wish you peace.

I am sorry to hear about your mother passing away. Just take your time to process all that has happened and your unique relationship with your mom. There is no timeline for grief. You may find that the grief comes in waves. It is so important that you do what you need to do to deal with your loss and do not let the reaction of others influence you. This is such a personal loss. Be sure to feel whatever you are feeling. Do not repress your feeling or it will lead to more anxiety. My mom died 6 years ago, and although I now find that I can focus more on the joy I found with her, there are still times when I feel sad, anxious, angry because she is no longer with me in the physical world. Sorry for the long message, but I do not think there is a formula or timeline for dealing with such a profound loss. I hope you eventually find peace.

Everyone's path is so unique to the person - and the relationship they had with the person departed.

I encourage you to TRUST yourself; your feelings. Do not question them - or figure this out (or try to) intellectually. It isn't intellect. It is a heart and gut reaction to grief, loss. Yes, it felt like the Twilight Zone to me when my mom passed... as well as a few clients over these years.

Although, my sense and feeling is that there is a continuum of consciousness, just on a different plane (as a psychic told me, too). I talk to my clients who have passed. It feels right and naturally to me (although, this too is very personal).

I would encourage you to be as present with yourself as you can be.
Do not judge yourself / behavior.
(I did strange things...
* put a pot of uncooked green beans in the cabinet where my pots go . . . instead of cooking them. Luckily I found them before they turned completely moldy;
* I missed a turn while driving THREE TIMES.

All our feelings and reactions are so different.
I encourage you to talk to your mom. I so believe a part of her spirit will hear you. Do you know Teresa? She is quite famous and talks to the departed. While you may or may not believe in a person being able to do this, I believe a person's energy is in the universe; we are transformed energy. And, in all this is our grief.

Grief may be one of the hardest feelings / emotions to categorize in terms of 'nailing it down.' There is no nailing it down to what / when / how / why. We feel as we feel and that is to be respected. Just drive safely and don't put your food that needs refrigeration in with the pots and pans.

And, find a therapist or group to deal with your grief. In retrospect, I joined two grief groups: one for those losing a mother and another generalized grief group. In retrospect, I feel the groups were a distraction for me to process my grief - although it didn't feel like that at the time. I feel that quiet meditation would have been 'better' for me, however I did at the time what I felt was (needed) best for my healing.

Gena / Touch Matters

So sorry for you loss.

After my dad died, I first screamed, but that was because he committed suicide, then I cried for many months on my commute to work and back home, since I was alone in the truck with nothing but a few habitual turns to make and traffic lights to watch for. When my sister died I cried and cried and cried, talked to her, put some of her things, like the quilts she made, all around me, and now I'm crying again just thinking about it. For her I cried everywhere, whether people saw me or not. It still hits me, but not on a daily basis anymore. It was over 10 years ago that I lost her. I stay in touch with her husband, even though he is remarried and it helps both of us to talk about my sister, his former wife. When my brother died, I had been with him only on the phone towards the end because of covid. I had been allowed in at one facility and stayed with him for several hours every other day for 3 months, but the final facility had too many cases inside, so I face timed with him. I don't cry about him. Not sure why. I was with my mom when she died a year ago. She is still on my mind and in my heart every single day. I had been her caregiver. I did not feel the need for the Hospice therapy that was offered because I am okay with the grief. I think we just need to feel it. I wasn't exactly ready for her to go, but it was so slow that I got myself as prepared as I could. How? Can't really say, just seeing her decline day by day, told me what was to happen and that it was also going to happen to me, not only to her. That's where the hospice people helped, telling me what to expect and when.

Greif counseling . After My brother suddenly passed March 2008 I was extremely sad and wanted to sleep - went down to social services and they Hooked me up with a Grief counselor we talked for 4 Hours and she said " You didn't Lose a brother you Lost a son . " I went to the office the Friday before Mothers day . my Mom I could Not grieve I was alone On Cape cod caring for her and My brother got sick so I was alone for 2 years taking care of 2 sick people . She Passed January 2017 and he passed October 2017 . I Felt very angry after My brother Passed - I got 2 text message " Sorry your brother died " from My sister and son . Not One Phone call or card . I Should Have went to Dana Faber and got grief counseling for my brother . Instead I sat On the beach with His box of ashes . So I would strongly suggest talking to some one . I had to empty my Mothers apartment alone - No One helped me yet they wanted a Big funeral and a vacation On cape Cod . I gave My Mothers Good clothes to a schizophrenic House . My brothers clothes I Gave to a homeless man . It is a Process . Physically it takes a couple years for your Body to heal . Yes taking care of a dying person ages you . I Look 25 years Older. Stress does that . go get some acupuncture - that helps heal the Body and Mind .

Well most of my family has passed in most (all) cases it was a relief that I can move on. Everyone has their own beliefs about death so I will not try to persuade otherwise. Generally after watching the last bit of suffering if that was your case there is relief knowing it is over. I am not a religious person but I had a girlfriend who changed my view point of spirituality. It shaped the way I view life and death.
I think in your case you have been working so hard you forgot about how to make yourself happy.

Oh my! You sound like me! Your "short-tempered, intolerant" comment made me chuckle! I had Zero Patience with anything or anybody; "Customer Service" phone calls would reduce me to tears in moments. I was sure I had plunged into total Dementia. I could not read a complete sentence, let alone an article or a book. I was also "frantic," as you label it, and whirled from project to project, making small home repairs, building things, painting. I had to divide all tasks into much smaller multiple steps. I could not possibly cope with an entire task, like cooking
vegetables or taking a shower all in one piece. I felt I was functioning superficially, but would make odd mistakes like writing the wrong amount on checks when paying bills.
November is not that long ago. You sound 100% normal to me!

It gets better. You will get used to your new life with your mother's absence. It takes as long as it takes; for me it was several months before I could concentrate on a book or know I had written checks correctly. I still break tasks into much smaller pieces.

This article from Psychology Today (https://www.psychologytoday.com) really helped me understand what is happening in our brains when we go through grief:

How Grief Rewires the Brain
https://bit.ly/3vvaQmZ

It sounds to me what you're going through is normal. I also felt frantic after a major loss and stayed busy to distract myself from the deep sadness for quite awhile.

Some of that inability to relax is probably that you were so busy with tasks for mother and didn’t rest back then.
first do not feel guilty or weird about any feelings. It is all normal. The emotions have to take time to accept the reality.
try to find a hobby to go to , something positive to focus on and get your mind off the loss for a bit. Like reading or a craft.
eat and go for a walk or out to browse a store. Keep moving .
my best wishes in this journey

Grief, and you are grieving, is both normal and, can be complicated. I hope that you are or will be receiving qualified Grief Support (counseling).
Also be sure to see your PCP, for physical updates. Grief affects the entire body, physically and emotionally. Your " symptoms" as you present them, may be attributes to your grief but may also be impacted by other life factors so one must address the symptoms from both the emotional ( grief counseling) and , physical ( see your PCP).

What I remember most was the constant, overwhelming sense of forgetting something. I was solely responsible- for all forms, all medical decisions, all of her needs, all visits, all of her wants… and then suddenly, it all stopped. I would wake at night, jerk out of a daydream, stop short in doing a chore- always thinking I had forgotten to do something, be somewhere, pay for something. Anxiety was my best friend, and then slowly it ebbed away. I had forgotten how to be but slowly I remembered.

Sorry for your mother's loss. It may take as long as two years for recovery and enter a new chapter of your life. See a grief counselor to cope.

My mother passed away on November 20, 2014, one week before Thanksgiving, like she wanted to leave before the holidays started. Instead of anger, I felt some relief she was gone because she had bipolar mental illness that made her act nasty. She had also suffered several medical conditions. I was already seeing a psychotherapist for a year to help me. I did feel strange as though part of me went away with my late 95 year old mom. Body chills set in and 4 to 5 colds followed. I did return to work one year later and moved on with some fun.

I'm sorry about the loss of your mother, and please accept my heartfelt condolences for you and your family.

Oh, do I remember those days. Yes, these are normal feelings. Grief therapy is a must. Hospice counseling is very good. I've used them twice. I was a nervous wreck and even started smoking to calm my nerves. However, my smoking career was short lived. Meditation and a nice warm soak in a tub is what calmed me down when I had those extremely nervous moments.

There are a couple of books I read that helped me put things into perspective. One book was: "Love Never Dies" by Dr. Jamie Turndorf, and the second book was written by Elizabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler titled: On Grief and Grieving. I bought these books after the death of my husband in 2016. You can find both on Amazon.



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Here's a good thread on this very subject OP:

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/strange-sightings-after-a-love-one-had-passed-starting-up-this-conversation-for-2022-472259.htm?orderby=recent

And a link to an older thread on 'strange sightings after a loved one passed':


https://www.agingcare.com/questions/true-when-someone-sees-deceased-loved-they-are-going-to-pass-430166.htm?orderby=recent

Mom passed in late August. We were on 'good enough' terms, but there were still things I wished I'd said or done.

The grieving has been hard. No one seems to 'get it' and think I should be perfectly fine by now. My therapist says I'm doing well as can be expected, but everyone handles it differently.

I had a rough night last night. My depression comes and goes. I am all ready for Christmas, so that's great, but I still feel not so 'happy' and I kind of want the holidays to be OVER and packed away. (This isn't unusual, I always get depressed at the holidays. DH is not feeling well and won't be better until he can have an injection for chronic pain in his neck. He's pretty grumpy. I stay away from him, but honestly, I feel very low and I'm struggling to get better.)

All this is normal. Knowing that does not help. It's a day at a time. I am sleeping too much, but that is always how I handle stress.

I think I need to get back to my service projects and immerse myself in doing good and not dwelling on how sad I feel at Christmas time.

Hugs to you--we are not alone.

My half-sister married her 2nd husband after a very ugly & tumultuous first marriage to a drug addict. When DH #2 died unexpectedly one day, she decided to stay SO busy all the time and drop into bed each night SO exhausted, that she left herself no time to grieve or to even THINK about what had happened. She 'sailed' through the death, the funeral, everything, which meant to me that she didn't allow herself to process the grief or to FEEL anything; she forced herself to stay too busy to allow emotions to sneak in. She was always a control freak before Carl died, but now? Egads. She just married DH #3 (5 years after Carl died) and is SO controlling of his every movement, I wonder if this marriage stands any possibility of lasting? It seems to me she feels like if she controls everything in his life, he won't die on her like Carl did. Senseless, but the sub conscious in us works in mysterious ways.

Anyway, we all have to allow ourselves to process grief; the only way out of it is through it, all the stages, waffling back & forth through them, as we arrive at Acceptance one day. Not that we ever 'get over' the loss, either; just that we learn to accept it and absorb the loss into our lives and learn to move on in spite of it.

David Kessler is a writer who's written books on death & grief with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, of the 5 Stages of Grief notoriety. He's now written a book called "Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief" which may be of value to you.

Here's a link to the audible version on Amazon, but there's a regular book version available as well:

https://www.amazon.com/Finding-Meaning-David-Kessler-audiobook/dp/B07P88B6J6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3PCPKEP1R1ZYM&keywords=david+kessler+finding+meaning+the+sixth+stage+of+grief&qid=1671641582&sprefix=david+kessler%2Caps%2C220&sr=8-1

Read what the book is about and see if you think it may help you through your journey with grief.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has some great books out too, On Grief & Grieving, is one that she co-wrote with David Kessler, here:

https://www.amazon.com/Grief-Grieving-David-Kubler-Ross/dp/1471139883/ref=sr_1_6?crid=RHS4K9HZFS04&keywords=elisabeth+k%C3%BCbler-ross+on+grief+and+grieving&qid=1671641836&s=audible&sprefix=elisabeth+k%C3%BCbler-ross+on+grief+and+grieving%2Caudible%2C126&sr=1-6-catcorr

After dad died, I felt a lot of anger........extremely short tempered with everyone who came into my path. I was thrust right into the Anger phase of grief immediately; I didn't want to hear that dad was 91 and had lived a good life, blah blah, nothing. I just didn't want him to be gone. When mom died, I just felt more relief than anything b/c she had advanced dementia and had been declining for SO LONG; I had prayed God would take her, so when He did, I was happy that she was out of pain and at peace. While I had more of a process to go through with dad in terms of grief, things were different with mom. But with dad, he kept showing me signs (pennies from Heaven) to help me realize he was fine. With mom, I haven't had a single sign from her, probably b/c I haven't been suffering the huge grief I was with dad, if that makes sense.

Wishing you the best of luck working out your grief in your own way, and on your own timetable, using whatever tools help you most.

First, my sympathies on your loss.

My mom died in October of 2020. She had lived with me, independent of care, until her CHF became very advanced, about 18 months before she passed away. Like you, for a while after she dies, I had a very hard time "settling". I was constantly thinking I was forgetting something, I was constantly "on point" listening in case she fell. I think after an extended period of caring for an elderly LO, one who ends up depending on you for just about everything, when that LO dies, it's very hard to "turn off" that part of your brain that has become accustomed to caregiving. But I was slowly able to start to decompress, to tell myself that I wasn't forgetting something vital. It took a few months; looking back, it probably wasn't until the following mid-late spring that I felt acclimated to my new normal.

I'm glad to hear you're seeking out the counseling services Hospice provides; it will help you navigate through the grieving process. And hang in there; while time may not heal all wounds equally, I have found it does with grieving.

(((hugs)))

We all mourn differently so it is hard to advise you in any way. It is easy to avoid the sadness by being busy tying up their affairs and not dealing with the loss and the way we remember them at better times. So your sadness has turned into being angry and getting things done. I felt that at the death of my father.
When you are ready, when you allow the room for sadness, you may be less busy/cranky. You simply want to do something. Contacting a hospice counselor was a good first step.

Condolences. When my dad and sister died, I went into business mode; SO much paperwork and STUFF needed to be done. I know that's not helpful to your situation. But I did a quick search and found several articles that link anxiety to grief. The symptoms listed match what you describe you're experiencing. (Here's one example: https://highlandparktherapy.com/blog/grief-and-anxiety)

Consider getting a consult with a grief counselor. One thing good thing about the pandemic is that there are now so many telehealth options available. Perhaps you could get someone to talk with today.

Take care of yourself.