How do I manage a very negative and complaining caregiver?
My parents caregiver is a very negative person. She is constantly complaining about their faults, their memory issues and everything they do wrong. She criticizes them all day and even mock about them out loud. This person was a former maid that agreed to care for them for free, just momentary. But my parents can´t afford other caregiver for financial reasons. My father has mild dementia and my mother has cancer. My plan is to move my parents into my house to do the care myself. This negative attitude has been increasing on time. I can feel my parents are deeply resented about her but remain quiet because they depend on her for help. It is very stressing. Hopelessly there’s nothing I can do right now until I can move my parents into my house, in about 5 more weeks. Besides all, Im an only child and really have no other source of help. I feel overwhelmed most of the time. Any suggestions?
Another thought, do they have a trusted friend who is in better health, or someone from their church who could come at least for some days each week?
The maid agreed to do this "momentarily", but she has been doing it long enough that she is resentful and still has five weeks to go...that is not momentarily. Caregiving is far more demanding than people anticipate. She likely has gotten into something that is more than she bargained for and now feels trapped. On top of that she is not being paid. Frankly, it is a lousy situation for everyone involved regardless of all the good intentions. If you can find someone to take over for her a couple of days a week (I.e. Friends and/or church member) she may have less stress and be better equipped to be a pleasant caregiver. If you take weekends, the maid takes Monday, Wednesday and Friday, one or two other people can take Tuesday and Thursday. It is only for five weeks, it is doable. They had the maid before this and she was willing to do this for free. She was a good fit in the past, give her some relief and she may be able to be a good fit for the next five weeks.
Let me share an experience that, while it's not nearly as serious as yours, woke me up to just how much I needed to protect my mother: One of her caregivers was, unbeknownst to me, saying things to my mother like, "You're not helping me in my job" because my mother was not able to help much with transfers. Now that is mild compared to what you've described, Paulaverorod, but it greatly upset my mother and I think even harmed her ability to do physical therapy because she began thinking of herself as a burden, incompetent, etc. Fortunately, another caregiver caught wind of what was happening and we fired the negative caregiver, but it was a bad episode for my mom. What did seem to help, and what may help you, is to reassure your parents. "Mom, Dad, I know Ms. Toxic is a jerk. You won't have to put up with her much longer; I have (outline plans)." When we fired Ms. Negative, I repeatedly told my mom, "Mom, Ms. Negative is through here and she is never coming back. I am sorry for how she treated you." Mom felt that she was being protected and that someone was standing up for her. Seemed to help.
If someone says they can't help you, ask them to suggest someone else to call. There are services available at low or no cost for those who don't have money.
I think finding Assisted Living or Memory Care that will take both would be a far better option. They will both get the care they need and you will be able to relax a bit and not be overwhelmed. Your father will need Memory Care rather than Assisted living.
You may even want to contact Hospice and see if one or both is eligible for Hospice services. That would give you some help as well if you do decide that you want them to live with you.
Things to keep in mind.
You need to have at least 1 bathroom adapted so that it is easily usable by someone in a wheelchair or using a walker. And even better if you have to get other equipment in like a Sit to Stand or Hoyer.
Grab bars in the bathrooms.
If you do not have an ADA height toilet replace the toilet they will use with a toilet that is a tall one with an elongated bowl.
No carpet in rooms where they will be. Carpet is difficult to move a walker over and or a wheelchair.
Bedroom and bathroom on a first floor.
Ramps for any stairs.
Gated yard when your Dad starts to wander.
There are probably 100 more things that you will need but you will figure those out as they come.
If you have your own family you might want to rethink having your parents move in with you...your family should be your first priority.
Oh...look for a Support Group for yourself. You are going to need one.
I hate to say it but you'll need to stick it out. That is, as long as she's not abusing your parents because that is a concern. Hopefully they would tell you if that was happening but your father may not even realize it because of his dementia. Anyway, it's only a few more weeks and then you won't have to deal with her. If it were months, I'd be more worried. It's all very stressful to take care of aging parents and you don't need this on top of everything.
I'm assuming that you have looked into other care options - assisted living, nursing home, in-home care. Finances are usually the problem. If either of your parents are veterans, definitely look into the aide and attendance benefits. Also, if your parents qualify, you should look into Medicaid.
Hang in there.
If you were to fire the negative caregiver could you find another caregiver right away for the remaining weeks? It might take you that long just to find someone new and train them.