I show her that we are right across the hall from her, but she doesn't care, she wants someone in her bed. I explain that I can't, I sleep with my husband (I'm afraid to start something that I won't be able to stop by sleeping with her). Mom has dementia and gets in these "states" where she just won't listen and is telling wild tales. Later she calms down but this discussion can last for a couple of hours and it's getting more frequent. Used to be once a week maybe now almost every night. Last night after I told her she could not crawl into bed with us, there wasn't room she asked to put a cot in our bedroom. Not sure how to handle this. Any suggestions appreciated.
Thank you.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/elderly-mother-with-dementia-wants-sleep-in-my-bed-210089.htm?orderby=recent
I have and use a large Bamboo body pillow you can find here:
https://www.amazon.com/Linen-Plus-Shredded-Breathable-Hypoallergenic/dp/B07LFNQL7Y/ref=sr_1_5?crid=1HBHD6Q1HSTL9&keywords=bamboo+body+pillow&qid=1637257583&sprefix=bamboo+body+%2Caps%2C281&sr=8-5
This pillow is VERY heavy b/c it's filled with shredded memory foam. You can buy a pillowcase for it and 'dress' the pillowcase up as a character, like a woman with hair, a face, and wearing clothing. Make it look like a 'girlfriend' in other words, if you are handy with a needle and thread. You can lay this pillow next to mom and she can hug it/hold onto it and it may feel to her like a body in bed with her, no joke. The pillow is 54" long, the size of a person..........so it may just do the trick to help her feel not so alone in her own bed.
Just a thought.
Best of luck with a difficult situation.
Whatever you do, DO NOT start sleeping with her. You cannot allow that habit to be established with her. The same as parents cannot allow that habit to be established with a child. Also, you have to learn how to ignore with love. People often have to do this with kids. Stop answering her and explaining to her all night long. When it's bedtime, it's bedtime and that's it. You have to ignore her.
I've known many of my homecare clients whose families were at the end of their rope because they had an elder with dementia who wouldn't sleep on their own. With a few of the married couples the elder with dementia would leave their room and get into bed with them. You can't have that.
The anti-anxiety medication at night and a doll or teddy bear helped. You may also have to put a lock on the outside of her bedroom door too. A few families I worked for had to do that. It's for the senior's own safety. If they're still mobile but have dementia, they can get up at night and wander.
I went through the same with my mother as her dementia deepened.
She would not stay in her bed and wanted to sleep with me. After a few sleepless nights trying to get her to sleep in her bed, she started sleeping in my bed. I was single at that time.
However, I was working full time and needed my rest. I really resented this, I was a single woman in her 40's sleeping in the same bed with her mother. I wondered how did my life get to this point? I realized I had to get over it and deal with what was at hand.
On the other hand, my mom seemed to morph back to a frightened girl at times.
Sleeping with me calmed her down and made her feel safe. What was happening to her was frightening enough. That was MY job to keep her safe as a her caregiver. She did the same for me as a mother.
I also knew that this could not go on for her or me. What I did was:
1. Got her ready for bed in her room.
2.Had soft music or calm tv playing. Old movies or PBS was great for this.
3. Got her in bed and made sure she was comfortable.
4. Had a soft light on and kept it on so she would not wake up in the dark.
5. Sat next to her. Sometimes I would read to her and she'd drift off. Sometimes I'd sit next to her watching tv and she would drift off. Or we would listen to music.
6. Kept the bathroom light on so if she went to the bathroom, she could see.
Once she was in a deep sleep, I'd go to my bed. A few times, she would get up
come to my door, look in but would go back to her room and sleep the rest of the night. I was afraid that she would fall downstairs trying to get downstairs but that never happened.
This behavior did not last long but was one of the behaviors exhibited after her dementia deepened. After a while, I got a hospital bed and she slept downstairs.
I sat with her a while, then she would drift off and I would go upstairs. The doors would be locked(she did not remember how to unlock) and I left the light on in the living room. By then, she was wearing Depends.
That worked for us until she was placed.
Perhaps this behavior will not last long with your mother. My mother's behaviors came and went. I disagree with some of the "tough love" answers. You will have to figure out what will work best for your mother. Try some of the softer approaches (body pillow, soft toys, sitting with her, etc...) while trying get your rest.
Good luck.
love is the most powerful force in the universe
People don’t remember what we say, they remember how they “felt”
after being in our company
Im sure, despite her mental decline, your Mothers memories of your kindness caring & understanding remain crystal clear in her mind and heart
Bless you
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