What to do, Mom and Dad cannot be alone?
New to this site, asking for advise. Where do I begin, mom and dad are both in their late 80s, have been doing well on their own until recently. Dad suffered a strike many yrs ago effect his speech and right side, does well on his own until his headaches and dizzyness knock him down. He refuses to go to see a dr. Takes aparin like its candy He is a very stubborn man. His motto has always been FIRST ME, THAN ME, ALWAYS ME! Now on to mom- Mom sufferes from epilepsy has manage well until recently forget to take meds has has 2 seizures in a week and has beginning stage of dementia. Both parents lived with my uncle until a month ago (he passed away) so now They are with me. I have not told them it for good, they think its a get away vacation. They cannot be alone when mom has a seizure all dad does is cry, he cannot help her in any way. When dad get his headaches or get dizzy mom cries and give him asparin. I di have a dr appointment next week for both.
I really don't know if I should start hinting that they will be living with me or go a day at a time. I honestly think if I tell dad he might get so mad her might hit me, hate me ir run away and for mom she if course will sude with him. Dont know what to do, all I do know is they cannot be alone. Reasoning is out of the question when it come to them. I know its only the beginning.
7 Answers
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I would still explore getting the Durable POA, if that is an option at this point. That authorizes you to sign documents, contracts, etc on their behalf.
Please read some threads around here. It's very stressful and taxing to provide around the clock care in your home for two disabled people with medical conditions, especially if they are resistant and difficult. I would discuss this idea with my doctor who is treating my lupus. Lupus can be aggravated by stress. I'd consider that when making the decision.
If you want to find them placement, then there are some tips above.
If they are not able to handle their finances and you want to do it for them, you should go to the Social Security website and read about Representative Payees. That process is required by social security in order to handle those funds. Until that is done, they can continue to sign their own checks though, as long as they are able. But, if they are not able, I would check out the rules for Representative Payee.
I wouldn't be surprised if your Dad has serious stomach issues because he is taking aspirin like it was candy. I hope you can get your parents to the doctor. And be in the exam room with your parents so you can tell the doctor what you are witnessing. Elderly parents will sugarcoat how they feel and tell the doctor everything is fine.
I bet the form your doctor gave you were HIPAA forms where your parents give you permission to know about their medical issues.
For Power of Attorney, you would need to contact an Attorney, especially one who does Elder Law. There are other legal forms that the Attorney will recommend, such as Medical Directives which tells the medical community to either use life saving means no matter what, or to make the patient comfortable and let nature takes it course.
I think I would not do anything to upset them as long as you need to speak with their doctor. If they refuse to allow that, it will hold things up. I think I would write down their issues such as the memory issues, dad's refusal to heed medical care, dad's constant crying, headaches, etc. and give it to the doctor. You can send it advance, but take it with you discretely in case he hasn't seen it yet and make sure he sees it, even if you have slip it to the nurse when you check in. Stress the importance.
They both need evaluations to see what's going on. There could be strokes that are causing brain damage or infections, etc. The doctor can rule some things out and make some recommendations. Maybe they will listen to the doctor. If doctor knows this info, maybe he can recommend that they get assistance. I don't know what the options are in your state, but in NC there is Assisted Living that supports the resident with their medication, meals, bathing, laundry, etc. Your parents may need a Nursing Home. They can be assessed by doctor and other professional to determine what level of care they need. In some states long term care facilities have a standardized form the doctor completes that checks off their needs on a daily basis. A facility may require that to admit them. If you have a facility in mind, you might call them now and see what documents they need for admission and if they have openings.
Also, to consider is their financial ability to pay for a facility. Consider the cost and if you have the legal authority to handle their affairs as described above. If they do not have the funds, you will need to apply for Medicaid on their behalf. In NC, a family member can apply for Medicaid on the behalf of another, even if they don't have a Power of Attorney, but I don't know about your state.
When I took my loved one to the doctor, the doctor read my report of the symptoms, conducted tests, did mini mental eval and told her she needed Assisted Living. Her short term memory was gone. We encouraged her to go for therapy and so she could get what she needed including, physical therapy, and get better. It took a few days of me encouraging, begging, pleading and insisting, but eventually she agreed to go for a little while. But, if your parents are beyond reason, your option will be limited.
You will have to explain to them whey they can't stay with you, but if they have limited mental capacity, I wouldn't worry about details. Just use a general explanation that you can repeat over and over, For example, the doctor says you need special care and that this is what is required. It's not possible to get you what you need in my home. This is the way we need to go. Or if you work and can't stay with them, explain that. It may be that hurt feelings or kind words aren't enough. You may have to be real blunt.
You'll have to do what you think will work.
Most importantly do they have powers of attorney, medical directives, etc in order? If not get those taken care of while they both understand enough to execute the documents.