Mom and death wish; not sure what to do anymore?

Hi Bee1952, You've gotten some great advise here. I hope it gives you some measure of comfort. I have mixed feelings about ramping up your mother's medication, but that's up to you and your family. Might I suggest now is the time to do as much as you can for your self-care, including learning to let go of guilt- perhaps journaling, talking to a dear friend, taking walks with your husband, prayer, someone mentioned yoga. A shift in your perspective to one of acceptance of the situation and compassion for yourself and your mother can make the days brigther. Peace & Blessings.

Try to bring simple games got my mom sorting unko cards by color, there are many things online to look at.

She is both. At 96 and knock on wood if most of us are able to live that long, she is down. At 70 you can lie and say, I'm going to see 90, because denial is a happy place, but not at 96. 96 is the age where each day is a blessing and they, if they still have their minds, know this. Then a broken hip and not being able to move? Ugh, yup, depression will really grab hold. I am a caregiver with a soft tissue injury to my foot, makes me MAD and DEPRESSED as I can't go at my usual speed, at 96 times that feeling by 30 fold.

She may not have lost interest in EVERYTHING, you might just not have figured out what she might like, depending on her past interests. Does she like to look at photos and talk about the past? Play a card game or do a puzzle. Is she the curious type who might want to talk to an Alexa or try using a tablet, if only to look at photos that she can swipe with her finger. Maybe its time for a 200+cable channel service, find some older movies as I, even at my much younger age can agree with I CANT WATCH THAT. What I did for the one I am caring for, was (he does have a puter in his room) is I found some youtube videos that were like sea shores and forests with relaxing music and he NEVER would find stuff like that on his own, let alone use youtube and I put it on. One of those 12 hours of endless relaxing whatever. Next thing I know he was absolutely captivated by it full screen. Maybe a pet, or get a new pet that can be crated and not underfoot but that she can hold and interact with. They even have those fake yet very realistic fur pet-toys, FOR ANY AGE. They purr and all that and move. Maybe -weather depending-some taking her out for a stroll or to a store, no reason why she can't go in a wheelchair if you have the transport.

We all have guilt, that's perfectly normal. I am caregiving for my partner now of 20 years and I HATE EVER MINUTE most days. (Dementia) Though I also cared for both my parents end of life (15 years ago), and at that age I was still wanting to "Do my thang" and it was hard. What's harder though is living with the regrets over my mom especially that (she was NH end of life and so badly she wanted to be with me.) I was not there enough, that I could not keep her at home, I did not visit enough. What I wouldn't give now to hold her hand.

Your mom is sounding like the end is near, but don't let her leave with you having regrets. Take your ME TIME, chill time, do your own thing time, but also make an effort to try to be with her, even if it means being in her room and tossing around ideas of things that might put a little light back in her eyes. Maybe she wants and NEEDS to talk about her mom and dad, that usually happens when death is near, let her. Be an ear. But do nothing at the expense of yourself either. I have cams now so I can check into THE ROOM, and I have also, though a computer junkie learned again the art of just sitting and reading a good book.

You and your husband have the gift of being in HER home. You will probably GET her home when she passes. But its still hers. Maybe it holds memories she still wants to relive or reveal to you, encourage her. Not saying that you are (but many kids become this way) Don't be a vulture. I think its GREAT that someone of 96 is able to be in their OWN HOME. You may be the caregiver but you are also a guest. Most states can easily send in elder care or hospice if they do not approve of the care or they even sniff a "Vulture".

I think when you look back, after she has passed, you will find that you were not angry with HER, you were pre-grieving her loss, grieving you loss of time, lack of help, many things. Yes, I admit it, there comes a point that we JUST WANT IT TO BE OVER so we can get on with our lives. But in my own experience, looking back, I wish I could have slowed down time with my mother. A little self sacrifice now will do you a world of good after she is gone, and DO FEEL FREE to be angry, express it, go throw coffee mugs at a tree

There is a book called “Being Mortal, Medicine and what matters in the end” by Atul Gawande.
You can find interviews he’s given online. Frontline did a documentary on it.

Google this book and read a bit about it online. I think it might help you.