She lays on her bed and sobs. It hurts my heart. I go into her room to tell her I love her, but her brain is missing pieces so she gets angry and blames me for her condition and berates me for everything I did wrong when I was a child. Real memories come up, and some imagined stuff. She looks at me like she could kill me. Should I back out of the room or stay and keep trying to say soothing words??
By the way, she finished part 2 of her cognitive testing and has 3 more separate appointments coming up. We will have to ride 90 minutes there and 90 minutes back from her new memory care home. (She is moving from IL in 5 days.) The psychometrist confided that it is "some kind of dementia", but he can't tell what kind until he does more testing. He said she is much worse than she was 3 years ago. It was taking her a long time to read and understand the questions. She remembered him, but she didn't remember what she was there for. She lives in delusions. I hate that there's no way to make her feel better. That's part of the awful beast of dementia.
Hopefully she will feel like ice cream later tonight and it will please her in some small way.
I'm thankful for this site.
If I were in your shoes I would back out of her room. If you are irritating her then do her a favor by staying out of her way. Plus, her behavior whether it’s intentional or not is upsetting for you.
Please refresh my memory. Where does your mom live?
Have you asked her doctor about meds for her behavior? Or if she needs to be placed in a facility?
Wishing you and your mom peace.
Mom currently lives in an independent senior apartment community in Northern Virginia. She started wandering around the halls at night in complete confusion and fear, and either knocking on neighbors' doors or barging right in to their apartments. The security manager called me and said she was calling them 6 times a night with hallucinations and she couldn't be left alone anymore.
We took her to hospital, and to her primary care physician, and to the psychologist she had seen before. The psych said "something is going on" and she needed to start a round of cognitive testing which would be several appointments stretched out over several weeks. The primary care physician put her on quetiapine and told us to let the testing determine her diagnosis.
In the meantime, mom's short term memory and delusions are getting worse. (No UTI)
We managed to catch an opening at an assisted living/memory care in a rural area near where my sister and I live. This facility is usually full because it is less expensive than Northern Virginia and has a really dedicated staff with zero turnover, so we signed the papers and got the room. She is moving in 5 days.
Then get it out of your head that you have to please her (ice cream). Of course that’s nice if she enjoys it, so yay! The problem is your thinking. You don’t want to head down the path that so many others here have taken, which is shouldering the enormous task of keeping someone happy when her brain is broken. This is a devastating corner that you don’t want to paint yourself into because you can’t succeed. No one can. Your unrealistic expectations could lead you to guilt and misery and therapy for same (read some of the posts on here). Keep yourself psychologically healthy by adopting thinking patterns that help.
I’m so sorry you’re facing these horrible things. It’s not fun.
I also question the prudence of putting her thru SUCH extensive testing.....what's the point in that??? It's not like if you hone in on the exact type of dementia she has, there's some miraculous cure. There isn't. How is the poor soul expected to spend all that time reading questions and answering them??? It makes no sense to me, honestly. The goal is to get her delusions and crying jags under control and to keep her calm. Can this doctor spdo that w/o torturing her any further????
I'm so sorry you're both going thru such a terrible thing. I know how horrible dementia is, I dealt with it for the 6 years after mom was diagnosed, and a couple years beforehand too. I watched the decline and listened to all the ranting and raving and it was awful, to say the least. Her memory care AL was wonderful, however, and "her girls" treated her like a beloved grandma. I wish the same for your dear mom.
I think the only reason we are going along with the pcp and psychologist's testing plan is because our mom says the testing she did 3 years ago said she didn't have Alzheimer’s. That was the diagnosis: "Depression. Anxiety. No Alzheimer’s."
After this last appointment, I gave my mother the option to stop testing. She said NO, she wants to keep going so she can prove that there is nothing wrong with her and she doesn't need memory care.
She DOES need it though...
She does not recognize her memory lapses, and she believes her delusions and hallucinations to be valid. She says she will go knock on doors if she gets scared. The poor thing can't even figure out what pills to take from her weekly pill tray because she doesnt know Saturday from Thursday, and just today she told me she's "not taking that pill" and she chose a random pill to toss aside. It was for blood pressure.
We are sticking with the testing so someone can say "You have dementia" besides me and my sister. We've asked her doctors to just give her a diagnosis, and they responded by saying we need to go through miles of testing first. Ugh!!
Maybe things will change after she gets settled in the memory care room. I hope so. The staff there is so so nice.
Maybe mom will forget about the testing.
Yes, I would back off with the visits as well, you appear to be a trigger.
There are no real answers, you just need to watch her progress and adjust accordingly.