I've posted before about my situation where my mom has progressive dementia and my father's denial about moving to assisted living. My mom has continued to be very angry verbally. She throws tantrums easily especially when she thinks she is being controlled or told what to do. She has stopped all hygiene and refuses to change clothes.
Today she suddenly came after me yelling with no provocation. She followed me into the bathroom and started punching me and pulling my hair. This lasted for a few minutes. She suddenly then left me and went to her room and got in bed. This was terrifying.
I spoke to the doctor and he is complete agreement that she needs to go to memory care. My mom has said in the past that she will not go without my dad - but the situation has changed. I fear that she will continue and maybe escalate these attacks. There are memory care places that I have researched and am looking into availability. My dad knows that she needs to be in a safer environment but will not leave their home. I guess I asking for feedback about how to get her to memory care without my dad and how to transition her out of the house.
ETA: I just saw the update and am relieved she is at the hospital
It can be the fork in the road - from a scary trail in the woods to a new path. The new one can also be scary. It is unknown, requires much trust in medical staff & other professionals. It can take a while until you find yourself able to relax - out of the woods.
You can see the big picture - Mom's behaviour requires more than family can do. Needs a supervised MC environment.
Can your Dad see this yet?
What does Dad want now? Does he know?
Would he go collect Mom from hospital if the hospital asks him to? Or Mom herself pressures him to?
(I speak from the position of watching my Father collect my Mother - against medical advice.
My Father did what he wanted to do, what he felt he must, which is fine - but the consequences were his to bear).
I think you will make an excellant advocate for BOTH your parent's needs.
Keep updating if it helps you. Strength to you today through the crises.
You state that you have POA. Do an 'ER Dump' with your mother. Call an ambulance and tell them that she will be a 'hostile transfer' (use these very words) and that you will follow them to the hospital. Make sure to have your POA documents handy. The paramedics may want to see them and the ER certainly will.
When you get there ask to talk to a social worker. Tell the social worker you need a 'Social Admit' (use this term) and 'Unsafe Discharge' because your mother has become a threat to herself and your father. Make it known that she needs to be placed because her violent outbursts cannot be handled at home anymore and refuse to allow her back. They will admit her and keep her in the hospital until a bed in a memory care faciloty becomes available.
This sounds harsh, but this is really the only way to expediate things and avoid all the red tape of getting her placed immediately.
I worked as a caregiver for 25 years. When the clients get physical, give it right back but not to a degree that can cause any real harm, but enough to make it known that hitting, biting, and hair pulling will be dangerous.
I am reminded of a dementia client I had who used to like to bite.
One day I was on my shift with her and she bit me. Hard enough to draw blood. So I slapped her good and hard. Not in the face, but on the upper arm. Not so hard as to cause any real injury but hard enough to make a point. Then I got about an inch from her face and told her rather menacingly that she will not bite me. Even with dementia many people still possess an understanding of self-preservation. I had established dominance. She never tried to bite me again. It was mostly verbal abuse and slapping attempts from her from then on. No more biting.
When she'd get slappy all I had to do was raise my hand and look her right in the face, and stopped the slapping attempts in their tracks. My safety always comes first. Yours should to.
You can have your demented mother hauled out of the house today and placed. Do the 'ER Dump' for her safety as well as the safety of you, your father, and her in-home caregivers.
I am so glad your mom is going to get the care she needs and you and the rest of the family are safe.
Many people do not want their LO medicated because it "will make them like a zombie"
It can not be comfortable for your mom to have bouts of anger, anxiety so much so that she lashes out like you have described. Medication will calm her and help with the anger and anxiety.
Having dementia has to be frightening and with no way to express feelings lashing out is the way many deal. Much like a child having a temper tantrum, that is the only way they know how to express frustration. The difference be tween a 30 pound child and 130 pound (or more) adult makes it much more dangerous to handle without medications.
I hope your mom gets the peace she needs.
I'm so glad you don't live with them.
Your first priority here MUST be your own safety.
Use the words "unsafe discharge".
Do not believe any offers of "we will get them help at home".
If the hospital tries to send mom home, DO NOT pick her up. Call APS and report her and dad as vulnerable seniors.
Sometimes stepping away is the only way to get folks the help they need
Prayers that mom gets the help to calm her and that dad gets the understanding that this is a new season in life and changes are inevitable.
May The Lord give you all strength, comfort and guidance.
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Are you living in their home, or they in yours?
If this is their home and you have no POA, you need to tell the social workers at the hospital that Dad is in charge and that you are moving out. That dad will be her only caregiver. You need to present him to them so they can see exactly what you are dealing with.
If this is your home,then yes, you stand firm that she cannot be discharged home.
Dad will need to see an Elder lawyer to split their assets. Moms split going to her care and when gone, Medicaid applied for. Once on Medicaid, Dad can remain in the home, have a car and enough or all of the monthly income to live on. I am just giving the basics, an Elder Lawyer can go into more detail.
Your Mom is suffering from the paranoia and anxiety that comes with dementia. And she probably sundowns on top of it. It won't get better. She needs meds and maybe a stint in a psych wing of a hospital (my family had to do this for my cousin who even had an assigned PoA. It took a while but they stabiized her.) From there she can be transitioned to MC if you work with a social worker at the hospital.
Once at the hospital you need to tell the Social Worker that it is not safe to discharge mom to home.
Mom may have said she does not want to go to MC without dad but I am also sure that if she had known that she would become violent and possibly severely injure you or dad she would have wanted to be placed so that would not happen.
Next time do that, do not bring her back home, as she is a danger to both you and your father.
A neighbor who had dementia stabbed his wife, she knew he had dementia and was violent but she had this old timey attitude, he was the master, whatever he wanted she did.
One night he really lost it, stabbed her, numerous times, she lived, he went into a physic/memory care died there, she lived a few more years and got lung cancer believed to be from the stab wounds, she died as well.
Bottom line, do what you have to do to protect you and your family, her brain is broken and it will continue to get worse. Good Luck!
I know a woman who chased after her family members with a pair of scissors in her hand. Her family had to remove all sharp objects from her sight and place her in a facility as soon as possible.
Was your father there when your mother attacked you? Is he aware of her aggression? He should be concerned about your safety and his wife’s needs for proper care.
I do not have personal experience in this area. Others on the forum have been through similar situations and will advise you on what to do next.
Continue researching memory care facilities so you will have a place lined up for your mom to move into.
Wishing you and your family all the best.