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We can NEVER change the dysfunction of the person. That stays with them as they age and get dementia You should see to it that they are properly cared for and tended to but you do NOT let yourself be pulled into their guilt trip, etc.
You must be smart enough to see it for what it is and you pull away from that behavior. You stand your ground, and be firm. It is like teaching a child. Some things cannot be fixed to make everybody happy
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Just sitting here recalling my MIL being sick 2 Christmas's ago. Her husband was still alive that Christmas but he was sick with an inoperable aortic aneuryism I made the entire dinner and brought it to their home an hour away.
This was before she was diagnosed with dementia, too. She was in bed ringing her stupid little bell on her night table constantly.... Daddy I need this, or Daddy I need that! I wanted to go in there and strangle her. No wonder he died so quickly. She wore him out. My point, some people are just demanding,
emotionally needy and will suck the life out of you if you let them. Just DON"T let them.
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She made us call 911 that day to take her to ER. The ambulance guy asked me what was wrong with her, and I told him "I think she has a bad chest cold but she likes the attention" He said "yeah, we know the type. Seen it before:
She had to wait in ER since there were many other really sick people who needed attention and she complained that no one was tending to her. I told her
it was not the Hillton..... she was in ER and there were many other sick people who needed help. She was discharged soon after she was looked at. She ruined our Christmas Day........ little did I know that it was going to be that way from then on...... I could write a book about crazy old people and how they can drive you nuts~!!!!
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1naturelover and others, my mom is just so disagreeable about everything. Negative about everything. And wants her way about everything. We think she is just starting to slip a bit. Maybe a little dementia.

Thank all of you who have posted over the years with so many similar scenarios. It has made me realize I can never personally take care of mom and I don't need to feel bad about it (she claims she WANTS to go into a nursing home). So she has made it easy and you guys have shown me the answers to many difficult situations which I am sure await me and my brother.

Thank you all
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Elmo how about SHE get a life insurance policy and have you as the beneficiary? You are in a wheel chair and living on your own and she wants to benefit off of you? What??

As a mother that just doesn't sound right. Do not get a policy even if you could. That creeps me out. But I tend to watch too much of Dateline!!!!! Just saying!
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My MIL is in a beautiful assisted living and would never go into a nursing home willingly but as her
Dementia progresses we will have to at some point. She does not like other women but does
Like attention from men ANY age. She was hard to like even when she had her mind and I really struggle with dealing with her now. : (. Who knew they could make your lives so miserable
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Elmo, she's not accepting it because there's something in the controlling mother wiring that doesn't allow them to take no for answer. It drives them to do and say absolutely whatever they need to to get you to cave in.....I call it Mom's "scorch the earth". They try to veil it that they are doing it for your own good, but it's really about their wants. Don't concern yourself with her accepting it - just keep repeating it and then dropping the subject. I wish I could tell you that eventually these moms see their daughters as capable, independent adults and the battles cease. But what does happen is that you change, and with every time you assert yourself, it gets easier and easier for you to be a functional adult with your mom.
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OMG! I could have written your letter. Just keep telling her no. Was she planning on moving in with you? Or did she want you to move in with her? Or does she want to move to a bigger (i.e., more expensive) place. Do you each rent? In my case my mom wanted each of us to sell our condos & buy a bigger place. She even had a place already picked out for $300k! I tried to explain to her that taxes on a $300k condo were $8k/year & my entire mortgage payment was only $6k/yr! So how was this going to be a good deal for me? Last year she started demanding to move in with me. Instead she is selling her condo & moving into a condo in my complex in the building next door. I am sure I am going to regret this. My mom is exactly as you described your mother.
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My huband FINALLY learned that he can actually decline a cell phone call from mom. Her new thing is to call in the evenings and ask him why he is not there (we live 1 hr away) and that he is just throwing her away. He sees her at least once a week and she has activities and people around her at the assisted living
He answered the 1st call and after he told her he had a life and could not be there everyday, and told her goodbye and that he would talk to her tomorrow.
She immediately called and I was SO HAPPY to see he declined the call. I told him he has the power NOT to let her do that to him. God forgive me , but you really start to hate them after awhile. Nothing like a demanding, needy old woman with dementia, trying to manipulate you into getting what she wants! UGH! She does not remember what you did for her yesterday. All my friends always laugh at me when I put my finger up to my temple and make the gun going off sound when I tell them what we are going through. We just learn to
laugh more and "turn it off" in your mind. : D
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1Naturelover, we go thru that with my MIL who does NOT have dementia, & has just been needy, etc. all her life. Oh, and her husband is still alive, they are still married, and he just ignores her. All her 5 kids came to that same conclusion (decline phone calls); unfortunately, for some of them not before it ruined their marriages. Glad to hear that your husband has figured this out, too.

Elmo, don't give in. You ARE strong and entitled to your own life and happiness. Hang in there.....we're all pulling for you.
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It feels SO GOOD to be able to "vent' on this link. If I wasn't able to "let it out"
and purge, someone would have died a long time ago.... ; D and I don't mean me. What people who have not experienced themselves do not understand, is that it is truly a survival tactic. There HAS to be boundaries set.
When his mother tried that on me awhile back, I reminded her of what she said about her mother when her mother had alzheimers some years ago and was so difficult. I told her why don't you move her in with you and take care of her and she replied that she certainly could not take care of someone like that. I told her, but I know she has since forgotten, that we could not take care of her and she should not expect us to take that on. She got quiet for that moment.
But, it starts ALL over again the following day when she can't remember yesterday and you have always been a demanding, needy "ME" kind of person.
Everyone enduring this just needs to remember, YOU now have control and NOT let them get to you.
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the MIL found herself a male companion at the assisted living! He used to go dancing at the same dance hall that she and her deceased husband used to frequent. He lost his wife to alzheimers awhile back and recently moved to the place she is in. She found him and they have been inseparable every since! Thank GOD!!! Maybe we can finally have some peace!!! I just hope it continues. I know there are a lot more women than men at those places and just hope he keeps his eyes on her and doesn't get interested in the company of another. She FINALLY has a distraction and is leaving us alone, for now!
YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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My mom has a boyfriend and I was hoping that would have been a good enough distraction too. But apparently not. he travels a lot and he doesn't want to marry her and he still lives with HIS parents. So it's sadly not distraction enough.
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Her problem, elmo, not yours. You don't have to fix it. If it wasn't the boyfriend it would be something else. Detach, detach, detach! ((((hugs)))))
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OMG NOW my AUNT is bugging me to go down to Arizona to be with my mom! Claiming "Your mom NEEDS you" I told her "no she needs my money. And told her that I have life here and so on. She is just as bad as my mom!
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Detach.... detach...... detach..... that was well said! A good psychotherapist
could help you see how unhealthy that all is.....
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Elmo - Tell you Aunt if she is so worried that SHE should go to Arizone!
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Oh she lives in Arizona! she is the reason my mom moved there to begin with. They bought her a house and then took it away a year later because "They needed the money for a bigger house". Now mind you it's just her and her husband. My aunt's kids are all grown and have families of their own. She will lend my mom money but wants to be paid back. But she does very little to help my mom. My aunt is not exactly all there mentally. Even my mom admits that!
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Bigger house...Mom could move in with Aunt?
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Well you would think that would be the solution right? But my Aunt won't suggest it and I doubt my mom would ask. I could try suggesting that to her but I don't know if she will go for it.
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Suggest it to your mom....every time she brings it up about you moving out there. "oh, I couldn't possibly move out there; however, Aunt so-and-so bought a bigger house and I am sure it is so you could move in with her." then "oh, there's my other phone (or the door or something)....sorry, gotta go.....love you, Mom" and HANG UP and not answering her calls the remainder of the day. I swear, that is why Caller ID was invented ..... to avoid pesky family members.
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Well I did it. And it DID NOT GO WELL! She called today to "go over my bills" and I very nicely told her "I am 40 years old and need to do them myself" and she just goes BONKERS. Screaming and ranting and going on and on about how i squander my money and she is just trying to "help" me. And I very nicely told her "I understand. But I am 40 years old and if I squander my money that is my problem" then she tells me to go to hell like my brother and slams the phone down. I feel better having told her how i feel but her reaction was totally out of line. She is this way with my siblings too. Always meddling in their lives and then getting pissy when they don't do what she wants.
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Good for you Elmo. Stand your ground, if it becomes repetitive, I would stop answering the phone when she calls. Gotta love caller ID.
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Way to go! You stood up to her. She was irrational. And the world did not end!! YAY!
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In the past it would have upset me but now? No. I love the woman but she is just out of control and it needed to stop. Thanks for everyone's help and support. I feel better having done this. I hope someday she will understand but I sadly won't hold my breath.
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All I can say is Don't do it! When I was 40 and just divorced with a teenage daughter I moved back to Mom's home town and we shared an apartment for two years. She was in her early 70's and had no life or interests of her own. She wanted to live through us and did. I had no privacy, I had no fun, everything we did she had a negative reason we shouldn't. I'd watch tv and she would be up and down, up and down 20 times walking in front of the tv. She wanted to know everything I did. At that time, she didn't have dementia, she was nice, but a different generation - and she drove me absolutely crazy being my mommy and her only entertainment and company. All I can say is - really, don't do it if there is no financial reason you have to. It will age you 20 years!
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elmo - AWESOME!!!! Keep on drawing boundaries and separating your life from hers. When she goes off like that you do not need to listen to it all -you can hang up after saying something like "I will talk to you when you are feeling better." No, it wont go well as you are breaking the codependent pattern, but it is much healthier for you and for her. Good job and don't hold your breath!!!
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good for you! sorry to hear about your mom's terrible reaction.
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It's a trap - don't do it. I"m stuck in a similar situation now and trying desperately to get out. Once they have you in their claws....ALthough there are reasons it makes sense for us temporarily... I'm going to get out and only do this again if there is a medical reason to do so.
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trapped - if it is that bad, even with medical reasons there are other options. which may be more valuable for your mother's care and your own well being. Always, take care of you!
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