Mom did exceedingly well while at rehab. She was pleasant, agreeable, and according to those who worked with her a “joy”. Fast forward...she is miserable, combative, and worse than ever since home. She is on anti- depressants and zanax for anxiety. She is very nice to her home aides, PT and OT’s as long as they cater to her whims. I think she thrived on all the attention she received while at rehab and had the same expectation that family members would coddle her as well. She has been hostile to both me and my sister and seems her contentious personality is worse than ever. Has anyone else experienced this? She insists on remaining in her home and has been diagnosed with mild dementia.
Now I have her in a 6 pack, and see is doing okay.
Every time you go to the hospital, a doctor told me, a little part of the person slips away. Older people are there because something isn't quite right. UTI's, infections, fractures, especially if you have to go under anesthesia, will take a bit out of the person. He was honestly right. Adding everybody up who was over 80, did lose a bit of mind after the surgeries and the hospital stays.
My FIL after being diagnosed with cancer, would tell me, "You don't get off this Earth alive."
Part of getting dementia is not quite understanding or refuse to understand that the brain isn't functioning normally. You are losing control of your daily life's decisions. Everything is not okay, and you just can't role with it, because that means you must give control to someone else..It' scary.
The anger and frustration comes out at the people they love and know, because we are the ones who are responsible, and we want our sick ones to be well cared for, safe, and happy. We can't force anyone to be happy. They just want to get control back. They were commander for their ship, their body and mind, for years until this disease snuck in and screwed up the panel boards.
Nope.
After a trip to get a manicure that totally exhausted her, she realized it wasn't going to be effortless. At first she halfheartedly participated when the therapists came to our house. Then she began being "too sick" on the days they were supposed to come. Finally, the agency signed off on her and got her into home hospice.
We tried at first to get her to keep improving, but that lasted for less than a week. Now she's back to classic toddler behavior of demanding things and pitching fits. She's just unreasonable.
Now that she's bedridden, she thinks my sister and I are on full-time temperature control duty. "Come turn on the fan! I'm so hot I'm about to die!!" We go turn on the fan. We also stand and fan her with a bamboo one like concubines. A very few minutes later she hollers, "I'm freezing! Come turn the fan off! Come cover me up!!" This goes on all day and all night. I know there are those who think we shouldn't give into her wishes. My sister stomps and cusses under her breath while she's tending to Mother. I say to myself I'm doing these things because I'm showing love. However, if she asks me to start peeling grapes, I will be forced to put my foot down.
I think they have little space heaters with remote controls now too. Check out Home Depot.
Maybe invest in an electric heating blanket with the knobs when the cold nights come around.
Play music in the room so you can't hear her yelling for you constantly.
Get someone in one day a week to give you and your sister a break.
Mother never touched her exercise bands again and they rotted away. I threw them out (and caught he77 for it) when they became dangerously weak.
She was in fact, slumped over and cannot lift her head. All due to refusal to comply with care. 10 minutes twice a day and she could stand upright, but then, where's the "pity party" in THAT?
Also, anesthesia does her in for months afterwards. She has never taken anything but Valium for "depression" and that's odd since it isn't FOR depression.
We all just work around her. I see her once every 4-6 weeks as I simply don't need to. I am not one of the golden children and I can get by with doing nothing. She actually prefers that.
She's currently shopping for a new surgeon who will do her other hip. It's not necessary to be replaced...but she wants to do it before she gets 'too old'. She's 89. Her last surgeon fired her as a patient and told her to exercise. He said he never wanted to see her in his office again, for anything. (He's a super nice guy and brother said he didn't say it that way....just said she was too old and too frail)
She was angry and fearful, fiercely stubborn and negative, and couldn’t be reasoned with, and had severely fragmented recollection of her past.
Although we had an almost perfect situation for her care in our home, she never really adjusted, and after 10 months she entered the facility where she’d received rehab as a full time resident.
The 5 1/2 years she spent there were far happier than the 30 years she’d spent at home, before she’d fallen.
She died 5 days before her 95th birthday, and one day after the death of my aunt, who had been her Matron of Honor 65 years before.
I think a catastrophic event such as breaking a hip or getting cancer changes a person. I couldn't help my mom anymore than you can probably help yours. My mom didn't want my help and her coming home after being in a rehab facility was the beginning of the end.
I'm sorry I don't have a solution for you. What I did with my mom was try everything to help her because I knew she was going downhill and I didn't want to look back on that time and wish I had done more. And I don't. I did everything I could. Do what you can for your mom but know that unless she wants to change her behavior, it won't change.
Hopefully, others with more experience with this kind of situation will chime in with insights, but my impression from this forum is that these contentious seniors who insist on staying in their home NEVER change. And now add the mild dementia. . .
I'm very sorry this is happening.