Mom's caregiver is stealing food from her freezer. She has been such a good dependable caregiver, I hate to replace her. What to do?

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Mom's caregiver is stealing food from her freezer. She has been such a good dependable caregiver, I hate to replace her. What to do?

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Talk to the woman about it. She’s hungry and doesn’t have enough income or she wouldn’t be doing it. What may be “more affordable” for you may not be a living wage for her. If you like her and otherwise trust her, a compassionate, non-confrontational talk that comes from a place of concern may open up avenues of communication for both of you. You have nothing to lose by trying.

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Perfect answer. These people ave very needy. We must be compassione. Sent

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Taking food.. does she feel it is owed to her because the hourly rate is not what she believes too low...she has justified in mind this is part of her compensation...why are you not confronting the situation...your choice is allow her to continue or take the meals part of her compensation package...apparently she already has... the question is the food she is taking is she feeding herself or a family.. how big are the portions and how often...
you need to let her know you are aware of the meals taken...sweeping it under the rug only lets the incorrect behavior to be validated...let her explain why she feels justified to take without asking...understanding her and her motive.
Her conscious has not held her back.
What did her resume look like. The last job was she let go? Was stealing an issue at last job...was she vetted...
criminal record?

This behavior is indicative of a pattern. If not confronted can lead to
other issues. She needs to know that you are aware.

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Pay her more or give her a grocery store gift card in addition to her pay. She's not stealing your family heirlooms. She's taking FOOD.

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I would fire her. She has no morals if she is stealing, and the elderly are 100% vulnerable.

(3)

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Talk to her politely. You are concerned of this and I don't blame you. Once you start ENABLING freezer food, You will be Enabling whatever else....

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Notify her employer asap and report her. You can't trust her. If she's stealing food, she might think she's getting away with it and go on with other things.

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If she is great in every other way,, don't say anything..

Dont find another Caregiver and consider the amount of food she takes as a raise in salary.

Install cameras thruout the home.

If it's certain items then try not to restock those items, buy things she doesn't seem to want to take home.

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I would confront her and ask her why she is doing this. Only then, you can deal with the problem.
If you don't feel comfortable doing that, you can tell her that you have noticed food missing from the freezer and ask her to keep a closer eye on your mother. That way, she knows that you are aware that food is missing and she might stop taking it
The last resort is to put a lock on the freezer so nobody but the person that has the key can get in it.

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You should fire her. She's not a good or trustworthy if she is stealing. She lacks morals.

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First of all, glad you approached her on it. My mother-in-law had dementia, and now my father suffers from short term memory loss. You did not clarify whether or not your mother is suffering from dementia. I agree with many of the other comments that discuss this issue, if someone suffers from dementia they tend to become fearful that things have been taken or stolen from them, even though they themselves may have offered the item to someone, or have hidden it to protect themselves. They just don’t remember that they did that because of the memory loss. It’s a common stage as the illness progresses. So, if your mother does have dementia it’s very possible that your caregiver never took the fish in the first place. If that’s the case, then your caregiver would probably welcome adding video monitors, keeping track of food, and other materials in the home. If your mother does not have dementia, then you set the parameters, and she’s agreed to them. You dealt with the problem, and she still working for you, which is great!

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Is she there 24/7? If not, tell her you're having a company install a security system that comes with hidden cameras to monitor your mother.

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I would have a conversation, about how you really like her and would love for her to continue working here. However you do notice that your mom's food is disappearing, if this behavior continues you will have to let her go.

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My aunt , 91, has dementia and very often is caught throwing out good food in the garbage. Before you accuse the sitter ask her if she has observed mom discarding food. Tell her food has been missing. This is a part of dementia. Our family has labeled all home cooked foods with a date so good food is not thrown out.

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Excellent answer! This is a great way to approach it and then take note of caregiver's reaction. See if food keeps disappearing after that. I once cared for a lady where she threw things away that were not trash. It happens and I had to check the trash somewhat often. With your suggestion, OP can acknowledge the problem truthfully (i.e. food is missing) without making an accusation (which could end up being completely wrong).

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Time for a frank conversation with the caregiver. Remember that family members have lost jobs during COVID so funds for food is a huge issue. State that you have notice that food in the freezer goes missing. Ask her to be a partner with you to solve this problem. Ask her if mom is throwing it out. Ask her if she needs food assistance. If it is the latter, you need to compassionately have some conversations about how to address this problem: meals she can eat while there, food banks she can visit for food for her family, application for SNAP for food for the family... Help her find solutions.

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Now that you have discussed the situation and she got upset, which is a bit of a red flag, getting defensive when you are innocent tends to not sit well with me, especially if you didn't phrase anything as an accusation. But I would give her a little thank you, whether you buy her a small flower arrangement or a gift card, just something that tells her that she is valued and you hope she doesn't have any hard feelings. It should always be okay to ask an employee questions without them getting upset, it is not okay for them to create an environment where you have to walk on eggshells with them.

I would also ask her if she has any suggestions on keeping things on track for mom as she slips further away from her memory. (I would pay her a few extra hours to help you set up the inventory) If she won't engage with you in prevention measures, she is probably heading out the door at some not so distant point. I am not trying to stress you out, but the way you worded your update throws all kinds of flags and from my personal experience with employees, this person responded inappropriately for the question that was asked. But maybe you are like me and you have a hard time conveying what you want to say in the written word and it is all grand. But as a professional she should be willing to help you prepare for what is to be with your mom as she ages. This will also give her some extra hours and really show her that you value her and her knowledge.

I am glad that you talked to her, communicating with the person that we trust our loved ones with is so important and truly can help avoid most problems.

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Were you told or do you know for sure that the caregiver is stealing food? Sounds like a clip from Driving Miss Daisy with the canned salmon in the cupboard.

Is there a possibility your mom offered her the food or it was given to a neighbor or discarded?

Need more info but a conversation needs to be had whether it was a misunderstanding or intentional.

The flow of said conversation depends on what is discovered.

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Give her a lost of food banks and other charities in her area.

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Do not replace her. Keep in mind, these people are very needy. Food is expensive now. If she is such a good caregiver, I would not mind her taking some of mom’s food. I went through so many bad caregivers with my mom, I would not change , just be sure there is nothing valuable at home. Replacing her is a very bad idea, especially now with pandemic.

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I agree with VS finding a good caregiver, someone who truly cares for your loved one, is the most important thing. I have had the same caregiver for my mom for 7 years. I feel very lucky, we went through 3 irresponsible caregivers before we found her. If there is any doubt of her honesty, take precautions with valuables. Limit the temptations. I'd also innocently ask her "did mom eat two lasagnas (or whatever the freezer items are) yesterday"? Innocently asking will get the discussion started without her immediately getting defensive and hopefully your care-giver will let you know what is going on. It's a little passive-aggressive, I admit, but in a kind way so as not to offend.

Good luck to you and your Mom and thank you for taking good care of her!

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Does the freezer have a lock? I would tell her that if she needs food just tell you & offer to buy it or give her some of yours if that is the reason; otherwise if she's a thief anyway lock the freezer &secure your mom's valuables if you want to keep her!

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If you're sure things are really missing and the caregiver can afford to buy food, this could be a sign of underlying problems with dishonesty. I'd talk with the caregiver to let them know that you don't appreciate not being able to find freezer items when they're needed and tell her/him to stop it. Just knowing you're aware may end it. If it continues, they should be fired. Someone who takes one thing will take another. Or you could do what I did to a co-worker who stole food from the office fridge and plant something laced with a surprise. I replaced mayo with liquid soap on a sandwich and doused jalapeno juice throughout a meal to stop a friendly thief.

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that is an hilarious solution to the dreaded work lunch thief!!

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Be sure that you know for sure that this is true. If your mother told you, it might not be true. My mother and aunt used to accuse others of stealing things when they first had dementia. Does your caregiver need food assistance? Can her wage include some extra food? Also, the suggestion below to help her get connected with local food banks and food assistance is a good one. All that being said, a caregiver who is taking things cannot be trusted. You may have to get someone else.

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PS
If you let her go as has been suggested the next one may do the same thing as people are havins hard times now!

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If she has stolen from the person she is supposed to be caring for, you already know you can't trust her.

I could never allow someone to stay privately with my mother knowing she is a thief. Does the caregiver look emaciated like she is starving?

I am trying to look at this with as much compassion as possible. You could sit down with her and tell her you that you know she has been stealing from your moms freezer and ask her why she feels entitled to take something that doesn't belong to her. If her answer is that her family is hungry and that normally would not steal but she was desperate and that made her cross that line ...and you believe her, maybe you could tell her that if she wants to eat a meal with your mom throughout the day, you don't have a problem with supplying her with that, but she is not to take anything that doesn't belong to her and reiterate that you monitor and count everything from jewelry to food and that you are entrusting her with the most precious thing ...your mother... and that you need to be able to trust her. Offering her meals while she is with your mom and giving her a list of food pantry's in your area is extending an olive branch and taking a leap of faith.

Good Luck.

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My mom who is 95 thought there were two of her dog. Also my MIL thought she had two of the same area rug and she put them in her bathroom which could not fit two rugs. It is a brain malfunction in dementia that they may think there is two of something or even someone. Unless you bought two bags of the fish yourself you can't be certain that there were two bags of fish. I doubt everything my mom says who has dementia due to parkinson's disease. At the same time I have to be careful about the caregivers who may take advantage of the situation. Some posts from 2016 on this board talks about this issue: Thinking there is two of something and someone.

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If you are judging the contents of the freezer by how full it is, are you sure she's really stealing edible food? She may just be throwing away old food that is long past its usable date or has freezer burn.
Definitely continue to watch it closely, but find a way to ask her as well, without accusing her.

I can't resist the urge here to suggest that you watch the movie, Driving Miss Daisy. There's a scene near the beginning that reminds me somewhat of this situation.

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Your and I think alike.
I referenced Driving Miss Daisy as well.

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A simple solution would be to install a hidden camera. They are inexpensive. That is the only way that you'd know for sure.

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How can you be sure she stole the food? Maybe she cooked some of the missing food for mom and herself. Maybe, as others have suggested, she threw out old freezer-burned food. Maybe previous caregivers (of which there have been many by your account) had something to do with its disappearance. Or perhaps there just wasn't as much in the freezer as you thought - by your own admission the food isn't something you really keep an eye on. I bet most people couldn't tell you what's in their freezer let alone their parents' freezers. I wouldn't accuse this lady, who has been a reliable and good caregiver, of stealing.

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I would sit her down and very gently ask her if and why she's taking the food. Does she need it -- perhaps for her family? If so, are you paying her enough? Are her meals provided when she's with your mom -- maybe you could make the food better and more plentiful. Try to solve the problem that the theft may represent.

If she's taking it for no good reason, gently explain that if she takes any more, she will not be welcome as a caregiver and you will let her go. Figure out beforehand how you will replace her.

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Stealing in any form is unacceptable, how about putting up list of items in the fridge, similar to inventory in hotel rooms

Another option is to keep food tray for the Carer, she must be too tired and then it’s natural to feel hungry after working hard.

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I’m sorry ya’ll but stealing is stealing. It’s one of the 10 commandments. I understand people are hungry etc but there are other resources available rather than stealing from the elderly. You just can’t trust a thief. How can you trust her actions in other areas? We found our aide on care.com. We met and I loved her. She has been with my Mom for 2 years now. Fantastic person. We also have an aide with an agency. Some were a joke. Finally we were matched with a great person. I was about to switch companies, but they finally got it right. Girls who were on their phone all day. Those who didn’t pay any attention to Mom. I had a couple of sleepers. I just documented and called the company to let them know. Luckily my husband works from home and is often in and out so he sees what goes on. You also might want to try nanny cams and mention to the aide that your Mom worries about stuff so you are recording to make her more at ease. Then she can know you have eyes around the house. You could actually then surely know if she is lifting food.

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Well, all those "other resources" are extremely time consuming due to long lines for the food. This would probably make it impossible to show up to take care of your mom on some days. I would speak to her about it and find another way to help her.

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Finding a caregiver who gets along with the patient and their family and does a great job is really hard. Finding one who doesn't take advantage of the situation is close to impossible. Some wear two faces, when family comes to visit, they wear the face of compassion, caring, helpful and genuine concern for the person they care for. Then when they are alone with the patient, they are controlling, yelling, demeaning, and treat them with contempt. If your mother's caregiver is one of the rare finds, replacing her will be a tough job. As for food missing from the freezer, I would like to believe that she may be taking food that she knows your mother won't eat, and rather then leave it to go to waste, she is taking it home to her family?
When you shop for groceries for your mother, do you take into account what the caregiver eats as well, my mother never wanted to eat alone. She always wanted me to make meals for us to eat together, I was always busy cleaning up and instead of taking the time to sit and eat with her, I would just vacuum, do the dishes, and whatever needed to be done. I guess I treated her meal time as just part of my daily work routine, while she wanted me to just spend time with her eating a meal. She is gone now, and little things come back to me that I didn't think at the time made much of a difference, but I wish I could have the time back, I would have sat down and used the time differently now in hindsight. Anyway, did you ask your mother if she knows about the missing food, and if she gave the caregiver permission to take the food. If not, and you want to keep your current caregiver, why not ask her to add items she would like to your shopping list and tell her you will pick them up at the grocery store. That way any food that is missing won't be something you intended for your mother, but you bought for the caregiver. In doing this, the caregiver is aware that you know what is in the freezer, and without accusing her, you have given her a means of having food without sneaking and it stops the stealing. Now, you have control of a situation and don't have to replace the great caregiver with someone who may fall short in worse ways. Hope that helps. Good Day.

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Mom's caregiver is stealing food from her freezer. She has been such a good dependable caregiver, I hate to replace her. What to do?

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