My fiance and I currently live with my mother-- I attend college + work from home and he works a full-time job (he is also interested in going back to college). We eventually want to move out and be on our own (I am 22 and he is 25 so we of course want to live our own lives). My mother is 64 years old and very irresponsible with money. My fiance pays her $150/month rent which pays the electric bill, we buy the groceries/food (she rarely has money to help), and we pay the cable bill + phone (two services that she wants but we ended up paying for it--- we also pay for internet but we need that and she uses the wifi anyway to play games + apply for loans and scroll Facebook). She needs the phone to talk to my sister (an irresponsible woman who bums off my mother) and her boyfriend (a man who practically uses my mother for rides and I believe for her money). My mother does not work and draws partial retirement off my father who passed away in 2012 (she quit working because she felt like it). We are stuck having to do house repairs, paying bills for her, and other stuff. She is constantly applying for loans that she can't afford to support her restaurant food addiction and irresponsible spending (she literally refuses to cook and won't let us-- unless I buy groceries and set my foot down). The only bill she pays is for her vehicle + car insurance + some of her debts. She is behind on lot rent where she lives + did not pay her property taxes. She gets a little over $1000 a month and should be able to budget it. We help where we can but we are honestly wore out and it is putting strain on our relationship. I do not know of a single person our age who has to deal with an irresponsible parent like this. She recently consolidated her debt (yay a good thing) but is putting herself back in debt. I have mentioned moving out eventually because we need our own life/privacy and to work on our relationship + build a life but she was moody about it and said that she can't afford to live on her own without us. She basically guilt trips and pouts while telling lies to everyone (that we don't help out and are freeloading when technically it is the other way around). What should we do?
Side note-- Besides the obvious financial issues she expects us to jump when she says so, to do what she wants 24/7, and she leaves little to no room for negotiations or our own lives.
Best of luck!
You two must move. Your mom is young. But you can no longer enable her behavior of self destruction. It really bothers me when parents impose on couples just starting up. A good parent will encourage you to spread your wings and leave the nest. That parent is being selfish, pure and simple.
Tims to cut the cord.
Make sure you and "fiancee" are not part of that.
Take the lot rent, divide it in 3, you and fiancee pay 2/3 rds. To start.
Have you figured out in dollars what you are spending and what she is spending?
What is her debt? Charge cards? If so, stop charging additional expenses, right?
If you don’t have the money then you don’t buy. Yes, you cook! Not eat out. That blows the budget. There were times in my life when I worked two jobs! I was exhausted but my bills got paid! Eat out? Geeeez, my friends and I scraped change together for a couple of cans of soup! That soup tasted damn good when we were hungry.
Why isn’t she working, at least part time? Is she disabled or sick? Are you working? Just school?
Why is she giving money away that she doesn’t have? She can say no to relatives who asks for money.
It sounds like she is in a pit and digging the hole deeper. I think you need to plan to move. It’s best for you and ultimately will be best for her because it will force her to be responsible if she doesn’t want people suing her for money owed to them.
What is she making loans for? I’m sure those have high interest rates. Geeeez, sounds like a nightmare.
She needs to figure out exact income and exact expenses according to her income alone.
Can she advertise for a roommate or two? Is it a two or three bedroom apartment that she has? Whose name is on the lease?
You cannot keep doing this. You are young. These are your building years for you. Your future depends on how you are planning for it.
Please make plans to move. Give her a reasonable time frame to find a roommate or perhaps a studio apartment or better yet a HUD apartment for seniors. They cost a percentage of your income. See if one is near your area. She may need to relocate to a different neighborhood but she needs to adjust to change.
You should not be adjusting your life to fit her needs. My youngest daughter is 23 and I would never ask her to do what you are doing. She lives in apartment and also attends a university.
You are right to be concerned about your mother's finances, especially the debt.
And, she is behind on her lot rent.
How much is her lot rent?
Looking now closely at hers and yours expenses, living together, is it $1000 each?
She may not understand the dire circumstances and what it causes to "help out"
your sister and her boyfriend. She is only 64, with any cognitive or addiction issues?
Once she qualifies for Medicare at age 65, her finances may change?
Oh wow! My heart was breaking for you before. As I said, I have a daughter close to your age who is in school also. So your post caught my eye. I have an older daughter too, she’s 30.
I too care for my mom, 14 years and counting. She lives with my husband and me. She has Parkinson’s disease. I am 63. She is 93. I can’t imagine doing what you are doing at your age! It’s just too much! You need to be planning for your future. I want you to think about this. Did your mom care for her mom at your age? I doubt it, so why should you? Tell your mom that.
Now, knowing more about your situation and thanks for responding I am truly heart broken for you, but I am also understanding of what you are going through and I am proud of you for being a responsible person. I’m proud of you for reaching out too. There is no shame in asking for help. I’m proud of you for working. School is a job too! Your main job while young!
I too grew up with a druggie, my brother was addicted to heroin since he was 13. A friend of his in school introduced him to it. He was a good kid before drugs. There was no drug education for kids back then, and my parents didn’t think to warn him about such things in that day and age. He fell into peer pressure and became trapped.
He suffered his entire life as he wasn’t able to completely kick his habit. He would quit using for periods in time, improved his life, even owned his own business at one point, but would relapse. It’s a tough battle. Very sad.
I loved my brother until he died (HepC) but we had our conflicts as well. Look, I get it. I get your heart break of living with a druggie sister, your parent’s heart break and yes, even your sister’s struggle and heart break.
I was able to forgive my brother. Wasn’t easy and it took a long time for me to do so. I get your heart break. My dad is deceased too. I’m so sorry you lost your dad and haven’t been able to mourn properly. I understand that as well.
I was you! I was determined that I would not be like my brother and through God’s grace, I never, ever had the desire to stick a needle in my arm, never have and never will. Some unfortunately, (no judgement) follow footsteps, (it’s their frame of reference), instead of breaking a cycle. We are blessed, you and I. We didn’t! We did not repeat the cycle.
Please forgive me if I sound like a mom but I am a mom and you could be my kid and it hurts my heart to see a young woman your age with this heavy burden!
I just want you to think about what I and others here have said, ultimately you are free to choose your own path. I have faith in you. You are on your way to a beautiful life. Get out of this trap!
Don’t allow your mom to keep you on a dead end street. You are too smart for that! Finish school! Live your life independently or with your guy. Your mom will survive. Once you step away you will see that you did not belong in that situation.
If you feel that you should help her by helping set a plan in place, by all means do so. If she weighs you down and holds you back, guilts you, damages you in any way, shape or form, then do not feel obligated and walk away. You will know that you tried and she did not want to do her part. Love is a two way street, not one way, and certainly not a dead end.
As as far as your relationship with your guy, it sounds like you care about him. I am happy for both of you. This kind of stress can cause your relationship to take a hit. Not worth it. Don’t let your mom destroy that. You deserve better.
No, she does not get to use your sister and her grandkids as an excuse not to work! Your sister will have to figure something out. Lots of other single moms figure it out.
Best wishes to you. This has been a bump in the road for you. You can and will move past it. Please let us know how you are doing.
Many, many hugs. Take care.
She'll act like a cornered tasmanian devil and thrash about and pout and pull out all the stops. Ignore it and don't engage it. Help her apply for assistance, food stamps, section 8 housing. My dolt of a MIL and her sneaky, ne're-do-well husband who hardly worked were chronically financially irresponsible: borrowed money from literally everyone and never repaid it. Concerned, well-meaning family members would meet with them and spend hours creating budgets and giving sound financial advice but were completely ignored. This went on for 30 years! They thought we were going to drop everything to pander to them in their old age and infirmity. They not only had no money but were in deep cc debt and were upside down on their mortgage. My MIL went onto Medicaid and moaned about it and we allowed stepFIL to become ward of the state. On a particularly bad day they had the nerve to weepily say to me, "We never imagined retirement would be like this." And I informed them that this was the retirement they had "planned" for. Am I sad that anyone would waste their lives like that? Yes. But many other lives would have been ruined if we would have voluntarily joined in the chaos. Move out and move on.
As long as you and he are in HER house, she can play this to herself as brave mother supporting child, sister and the rest of the world and excuse her mismanagement on the grounds that it's everybody else's fault.
Don't attack her about it, don't bargain or negotiate. You and he find a place to live, set up the utilities, organise your move, and you move.
The way you're organising bills and household income at the moment is bedlam, and that also reinforces your mother's mindset that she's carrying everything. Writing out a proper budget, adding the total expenditure, splitting three ways *could* help; but then again you'd have to stick to it, and what are you going to do if she has cash flow problems and can't make one month's payment into a (hypothetical) joint bank account?
You say that you buy all the groceries and then turn around and say she won't let you cook unless you buy the groceries. I can't follow that at all, but I do know that you and your bf bf should be buying your own groceries and paying 2/3rds of all the bills and paying rent as the trailer sounds paid for. You should also be paying 100% for the items you need like internet, even if she uses it. I know doing bundles saves a bunch of money, so if you aren't doing that you should check it out.
You say she can't live alone, she may not want to but that is different then being able to.
I think you should give her your notice and you and bf go live your lives. She's a big girl, she'll figure it out. You don't need to stay around and be miserable and bitter, most change in life is forced, she will be ok.
This is of course a nightmare as you are doing it now, and you must trust me when I tell you that it will get a good deal worse as Mom fails.
Will this delay your educations? Perhaps. Will it mean working several jobs and a lot of hardship and WiFi at the library? Perhaps. But this is how growing up goes. And it is very hard to do. And this is what being a responsible parent (your Mom) looks like. And it is hard to do. I am wishing you all the very very best of luck.
I also agree with no arguments. Make your plans that are best suited for you. State the facts as they are. Your mom will have no choice but to cope. Know what? If she fails, it’s on her. Not you! You have bitten off more than you can chew. Spit it out! Start over fresh.
Again, who takes on this responsibility at your age? You said yourself that you don’t know anyone else your age that does this.
My mom would never have expected that from me when I was your age.
Maybe you thought it was a realistic situation where everyone benefited in the beginning, but surely you can see now that it simply isn’t working out and isn’t worth it.
When I was young I was on my own. Paying my own way. I had a really nice studio apartment. It was just me and my cat! Perfect! The rent was well within my budget. It was furnished.
I bought the stuff I needed from garage sales and thrift shops. Nothing matched! Haha, but it worked for my needs.
My best friend asked me to be her roommate in a duplex. We did well for awhile but then her boyfriend moved in, supposedly just for a few nights. I told her that I was fine with a few nights until he found a place of his own.
He didn’t contribute financially at all! He didn’t clean up after himself either. He quit his job and thought that he could sponge off of us and wanted built in maids. No way, Jose’! Not with me!
The few nights turned into weeks and I said to her that I couldn’t afford the additional expenses for her boyfriend. My boyfriend would never have asked to move in with us.
My name was on the lease. I threw them both out. What happened? I got a new roommate. The new roommate asked to use my bicycle to go to our neighborhood store. I said to her, “Sure, but lock it up please.” Well, here she comes walking down the driveway without my bike. I was livid. She hadn’t locked up my bike. I couldn’t afford a car. I didn’t really need one where I lived. I could easily use public transportation or cycle to work.
I worked for months and months to save for that bike. I was taking the bus everywhere and I loved having my bike. I told her that she was going to to pay me for that bike.
She said that she didn’t have the money to pay me. I said, “Fine, the television we are using that is yours is now mine and my brand new bike costs more that what you spent on the used television so you’re getting a bargain. Move out by the end of the month.” She did.
My point is, we are not called to be anyone’s doormat because they happen to be a relative or friend.
I did end up with a great roommate that respected me and was responsible in every way. I worked too hard to allow someone to take advantage of me. So do you. You have a lot going for you! You are employed. You are in school. You have a nice guy in your life. Knock down this roadblock and move forward with your life even if you have to make compromises.
1000 a month is really not a lot to live on even if Mom owns her trailer. I am assuming that her lot rent is about 400 a month. That doesn't leave her with much. I am assuming that "Dads retirement" is his Social Security. If this is not so, then she needs to apply for SS. Maybe even SSI since her income is so low. I have a feeling Dad kept her reined in when it came to money and when he died, she went wild.
Not sure if Mom will ever be "good" with money but she is not too old to learn. If Mom is collecting SS, her money can be put on a debt card. This may help with her not being able to hand money to others. She can apply for food stamps. I think they allow take out now. If she has no health insurance there is Medicaid. Can't afford her car, upkeep on it and insurance, then she needs to get rid of it. There are Senior buses to take u to appts and shopping. There are food pantries.
What you may want to do is make an appointment with Office of Aging. See what resources are out there for Mom. Get her lot rent up to date. She can be evicted for nonpayment and that effects u too. Her phone...there are government phones with Tracfone and I think cellular. She will, get a simple Android with a certain number of minutes, free. Xtra min she can pay for.
If the trailer and lot rent is too much for her on her own, there is Senior housing that takes 1/3 of her income for rent. Where I live there's a discount on electric. Cable would be her responsibility. That u can get basic, $25, or get a good antenna.
Now, her eating out. Breakfast and lunch she can do herself. Now dinner, it may not be too bad if she uses fast food coupons. If she is ordering from a restaurant, you can get 2 or 3 meals out of one. Where I live, you get soup or salad, main course, and dessert. Soup can be used for lunch. The meal can go for two meals and dessert is the treat.
There are ways to make a dollar go farther but yes, it takes sacrifice. Like said, Mom has another 20/30 years. She cannot depend on other people.
They are over spending. Expenses need to be drastically cut or if possible eliminated all together for unnecessary services, shopping, and dining out in restaurants, etc.
Mom makes loans. She has to pay loans back with exorbitant interest plus her other existing expenses. Mom gives money to family members too. Loans are not a paycheck! They keep a person in debt and drowning. Who is approving these loans?
The daughter is in school. School is not free. I can’t speak to expenses what the boyfriend has because she hasn’t said, but perhaps a car note, insurance, and helping pay his living expenses with them.
Mom does not work. Daughter works and boyfriend works. What is their combined income? Are they saving money? Is mom saving money? No one is saving money! They are all struggling financially because my guess is that there just isn’t enough income to keep them afloat. They are drowning. Time for the daughter and boyfriend to jump ship and save themselves even if mom has asked them to stay as she has said.
Time for mom to put on a life jacket and do what she needs to do. Get a job! Tell other child to move out and receive help for herself and her children? Food stamps? Food pantry? Move to HUD housing? Since she is babysitting her grandkids she could possibly watch one or two more for a few extra bucks? Have a yard sale if she can? I made thousands one year! Either bundle services or better still if mom qualifies for free phone, do that? Rent out room in trailer when children move out?
The daughter can’t do internet at library because test papers and assignments are due at specific times when library may be closed. Plus apps are sometimes required for certain classes these days.
Mom can’t just sit back and do nothing. She most likely feels lost and stuck financially and has given up, still no excuse.
Just my thoughts...it’s a sad situation. Everyone is welcome to jump in if you feel that I left anything out or if I am off base on something.
How’s it going? Been thinking of you. I’m sure you are busy with school. I’m sure the stress with school and family life really gets to you. Make a plan and just having a plan will make you feel better. A lot of the anxiety is coming from being in limbo.
You’ve been exposed to lots of opinions on this forum. My suggestion would be to please read through carefully, use what you find useful. You’ll figure it out.
Certainly, get a grip on finances. I know that you said you were paying for certain expenses.
You only have a limited amount of income and you can only stretch that so far. Stop spending money on any unnecessary things and start investing in yourself and your future. Pay your final expenses to mom and then get out of there.
Did you and your mom have a clear cut financial plan for who pays what to start out with or was it always mayhem? Sounds like a chaotic situation to me.
Get organized, even if she isn’t on board. That way you can say, “Mom. I have X amount of money this month. My expenses are X amount and I have paid X amount.
What exactly has she agreed to pay? You should be paying your share but certainly not paying for everything.
She has asked you to be there to help her. Sorry, that’s not your job. That is her job to take care of herself. I would never ask my kids to do that for me. It’s my responsibility.
Relate the facts. Clearly spell it out to her so she can’t come back at you and say, “You didn’t tell me that or I didn’t know that.”
She’s unhappy. People with debt over their heads are not happy unless they are delusional!
I have a brother with money issues with tons of debt. He actually said to me one day, “God told me to buy a new truck!” A brand spanking new truck that was loaded with all the bells and whistles at that! I just looked at him in amazement, thinking to myself, WHAT THE HELL IS HE THINKING?!!! God did not tell him to buy a new truck! He WANTED a new truck!
I love it when people are always saying what God told them to do. Ridiculous! We have free will to make smart decisions.
Do they really think they can convince people with the “God told me” crap? I roll my eyes when I hear my brother spew his crap about his prophetic messages! They are trying to rationalize their crazy behavior.
Those are the people that give God a bad name. Hahaha.
Or they quote the Bible with their misguided misconceptions about God and try to guilt people. I let that crap go in one ear and out the other one.
Some want others to believe that God is a big bully in the sky out to get people. It’s all about punishment, guilt, shame, condemnation, etc. It’s never about compassion and mercy.
Then they wonder why others don’t want to be around them.
Yes, hopefully we have a conscience that we use to make the right decisions with. I know people who are atheists and lead moral lives.
Try to let go of the past and do your best to focus on the future. The past is gone forever, honey. The future is what matters the most. Take care of the future by living in the present, making viable plans, working hard and in time you will see an improvement.
All the best to you. Keep us posted. Take care. You’re going to get through this.
She needs to work on her spending habits. You cannot do it for her.
As for you and your boyfriend, you may also have money issues. Rent is a huge sum of money. You will also need to pay electric, food, phone. I understand you pay those now but adding another thousand per month for rent is a huge sum of money.
Good luck!
The simple answer is set a timeline, tell her and do it. You are not responsible for her poor financial decisions and letting her sponge off of you just enables her behavior. Basically this is a codependent relationship.
to afford living on your own, get on a budget, get a cheap apartment, cut expenses to the bone. Sacrificing now while your young is good preparation for later in getting what you want. Your mom has given you a valuable lesson in how NOT to live your life. Make it a priority to save for your retirement. You may think you’re young now and don’t need to worry but believe me, the next 40 years go faster than you think.
Since you work from home, you will need to put money aside for your own retirement, that should be part of your budget. You’ve had a real eye opener for how things go for those engaging in financial irresponsibility, so start planning for your own. Stop subsidizing her lifestyle and figure out your own. My hunch is that your future includes eating in, ramen noodles, repairing your own things. You’ve seen how her decisions and lifestyle have worked out for mother. You don’t need that albatross hanging round your neck. If you don’t move out, you will be suckered into a debt-funded lifestyle that will get worse over time, as you tread water to keep three people afloat. Two retirees here, and retirement budget does not allow for eating our nor convenience foods. Constantly tweaking our budget, making every dollar do the work of two, where possible. She can do the same.
Going out on your own, you will need to buy your food, pay for Internet, pay for cable (or streaming services), pay for your phone(s), & whatever else you are paying for currently. Add to that list real rent, renters insurance, electricity, oil or gas for cooking or heat/AC, laundry (if you already have it at Mom’s — include detergent in there), & a myriad of other hidden expenses (toilet paper, paper towels). Compare the 2 lists & see how they line up. If your mom’s house is paid off, that doesn’t mean a benefit to you. Of course you, and especially BF, should be paying your fair share. $150/month rent is peanuts.
When my son & his fiancé (then wife) moved in with us “to save money for a down payment”, we charged them rent for the portion of the house (walk-out basement + bathroom) that we no longer had use of. They had to purchase their own food, but everything else was included in the rent — yes, even laundry detergent. Them paying certain bills was too confusing to me; plus, I couldn’t be sure they would actually pay it. What they paid in rent was about half of what she was paying for rent when out on her own. They didn’t save much because they preferred eating out. Oh well....not my monkey, not my circus. When they finally moved out, our household expenses of electricity/oil/water went down by more than what they paid in rent.
As suggested earlier & by others, you will have a much clearer picture only when you have the actual numbers on paper. Until then, it’s all emotional.
As for mom, she is an adult. She will put herself into financial ruins, and she will have to deal with it herself. It’s not your job to go back and teach her. If she’s complaining to others and accusing you of anything, you really cannot control what she says or what they choose to believe. Move past it. By showing everyone that you are simply moving out to start a life toward self-sufficiency, you may not need to defend yourself against what she is saying. Your actions will prove differently.
It took me a long time to realize that it just does not matter what anyone else thinks. You cannot control what anyone else thinks, says, or does. Do what aligns best with your future plans. Where do you see yourself in one year? Plan to get there now....
The way I see it, the only way to get the druggie back on the right track is for you two to move out and stop paying anything towards your mother's upkeep. She has to hit bottom to change her behavior with the druggie, who in turn has to be cut off so she can reach bottom. Only at the bottom does true change occur. It's your job as loving family members to help them reach the bottom. By enabling them both to continue as they are, you are disrespecting them as independent agents of their own future.
Moving out and ignoring the toddler behavior of whining and fit-throwing is the only way to spark a change. Don't say you can't when you mean you won't.
You need to disentangle yourselves from mom's financial woes. Move out now. Find a very small, economical place. Go to school full time and get federally funded loans, scholarships, and grants to pay for school and living expenses. Your fiancé should do the same. Work part time to supplement. Getting married will qualify you for more financial help and tax breaks.
See if mom is OK with going to see a doctor or family counsellor with you to deal with finances. It should focus more on her managing her finances. You can't make her financially responsible. Sometimes this is dementia or in her case it is more a mental health issue.
Make a plan and move. Make sure you have enough funds to cover rent (typically they require first, last and security deposit) and utils (some will require a deposit if you have not had any in your name previously.)
STICK to the plan. Don't listen to her whining, fears of being alone, guilt trips, etc. I was laid off just before 62, so I did end up retiring. Unlike your mother, I am responsible for/with my finances. I have periodically over the years gotten into a position where expense flow in/out might become a problem (am in one currently!), BUT the difference is I manage to juggle things around and cut back so that it is only a temporary issue. I don't rely on my kids for help (I have had work done by them, but I PAY for their help!) Also, pay those things you MUST pay for, but if she runs short due to her own negligence/stupidity, don't cover any more of her payment(s) - you need to save for getting OUT!
BEWARE: If you or BF signed any agreements for utils/phone/cable/internet, either plan to pay the early termination fee (should be prorated) or plan your move near the end of the term and cancel it all before you move, giving them the termination date (another note - if any of these ARE in your name(s), you can request MOVING the service to your new location. Usually this is free and you wouldn't have to make deposit - only works if they are currently in your name.)
You will need to let her know that she will have to sign up/cancel or make arrangements with these services. Once you have a firm move date, give he 2m notice. She will either do without or have to sign up. If you are only paying for the services and they are in her name, she will have to deal with them (if you aren't the "responsible party", aka signed for the services, you shouldn't have to pay anything to them. They *could* end up contacting you if she doesn't pay - especially true if it goes to collection. Although I never dealt with any of first DIL's expenses, they DID call my phone. I just said she doesn't live here.)
Until you get out into your own place, I would put his plan to go back to college on hold until you know you can afford it and any emergencies that might arise (and they do!) It is great that he has the desire, and that should be encouraged, but only when it makes sense financially.
"I do not know of a single person our age who has to deal with an irresponsible parent like this."
Although many of us don't know someone in this boat, I am sure there are many more just like you!
"She recently consolidated her debt (yay a good thing) but is putting herself back in debt."
This is a problem with people who are financially irresponsible. Having you to fall back on makes it easier for her to continue her irresponsibility. Cut off the money train.
"I have mentioned moving out eventually because we need our own life/privacy and to work on our relationship + build a life but she was moody about it and said that she can't afford to live on her own without us. She basically guilt trips and pouts while telling lies to everyone (that we don't help out and are freeloading when technically it is the other way around). What should we do?"
Again, MAKE A PLAN AND MOVE! Let her get moody, tune her out and walk away. Guilt trips? Tune them out and walk away. If you can't walk away, smile and put on your headphones, then tune her out. Pouts? She can pout all she wants. If she were a child, we would all tell you the same thing - don't buy into it. As for what she is telling others, ignore. It is hurtful and perhaps some people might think poorly about you, but caring what they think should be the LEAST of your concerns right now. If you are only going to stay and help because you are worried about what others might think, you have to reorganize your priorities!
Move out and if she cries for help, offer to help in ANY way other than handing her money. Offer to find some money management help. Offer to help her apply for SSI, food stamps, meals on wheels. ANYTHING but money (and that includes buying anything for her.) She *must* learn to budget - with or without your help, she is likely to lose her place.
If sis is so hard up, suggest SHE move in with mom and THEY can save money together....