Hi all,
Dealing with my fiances mother who about 10+ years ago had a bad hip surgery that gave her a stroke and put her in a coma. Ever since then she has been on the decline, she is 70 years old now. Her and her husband have moved 3 miles away from us recently. Her husband has been primary caregiver however is suffering from depression and generally hates her at this point and they probably shouldn't live together, it can be quite toxic at times. However, there aren't any other options at this point. She can't walk well and insists on being pushed in her wheelchair even though her doctor insists she can/should walk as much as she can. She complains non-stop about how bad she has it, how much pain she is in, how mean her husband is to her (even though he does everything for her) Her doctor tells her no more sleeping pills and she insists I take her to walgreens so she can get benadryl. Not allowed to have sugar and insists on getting ice-cream... etc... she just generally doesn't care nor try to improve her conditions nor her attitude. She seems to want to live a miserable life. She doesn't have great impulse control so if she wants something she'll call over and over all day. She obsesses over getting her hair and nails done and new clothes rather than strengthening herself and becoming more independent. She'll try to get you to do everything for her and has no boundaries. I hate to make her sound like some monster, she has good qualities and is a good person and can be silly and sweet, but DEFINITELY has some toxic habits that are creating a pretty miserable family situation for the rest of us. What do you do with someone who doesn't try at all and would rather feel sorry for themselves and have everyone else do everything for them? How much agency does she really have? She's had some brain damage from the coma but def is functional and can do WAY more than she does. If someone isn't willing to put the work in how should the rest of the family proceed? A facility is not an option (financially) and she is too snobby to be social with other people in her dealing with similar circumstances .
She recently refused to eat properly for a week so we felt obliged to ask the staff to bring her Sunday dinner up to her flat, to save her from the 'bother' of going down in the lift to collect it and bring it back on her pushing trolley.
'Enabling them will feed into their insecurities, and frankly just wear you out, making you feel resentful.'
Too true. I wasn't happy about this, as it means she is doing less and less and losing more and more muscle tone, but what were we supposed to do, let her starve?
* It is certainly heart wrenching what happened to her - with the stroke.
* No, she doesn't have boundaries which is why everyone (you, family) need to set them.
* She is used to getting her own way, strategizing as it 'works' for her. The only way it won't work is if you/family stop the pattern of giving in to her.
* She sounds extremely angry and depressed, if not a narcissistic personality (?) When a person is depressed, it is very challenging/difficult to change / shift. You might need a professional - or medication - to help her shift out of this pattern. Depression is miserable and cyclical.
- Do acknowledge how she feels. And dig in deeper, asking about why she is angry and then ACKNOWLEDGE her feelings. This MAY open up emotional and psychological space in her, to realize she is being heard. Be compassionate while setting boundaries.
* You/family need to set boundaries and stick to them. And, it may be hard at first due to being new behavior. It isn't 'mean,' it is tough love.
* If MD says walking is good, then husband, you/family MUST not be co-dependents; she either walks or doesn't get what she wants. Perhaps small steps, compromise (if you walk xxx, I'll help you xxx the rest of the way).
* Sounds like she needs a social worker or therapist - someone 'official' who will tell her what she needs to do, as often those closest to a person 'don't count.' It is different hearing the same thing from a 'professional' or 'outsider.'
* DO NOT expect her to change. You need to change in order for her to want to (or begrudging) change. Gena.
It is difficult but if that is the bed she chooses to live in then let her lay it in. Please try to support the husband. He could snap and then things get ugly really quick.
She needs to be assessed by the geriatric team, for dementia and cognitive awareness. Then its a case of either letting her fend for herself or realising she needs more than family care
My sister despite knowing [she also lives for herself not others] booted my mother back to her own home after having her for 2wks at hers in a very temporary system, and got fed up with this elderly person wandering around after her all day long asking the same questions, and unable to initiate any programme for herself. Yes she had dementia brought on by age and the fact she had had mini strokes as well as needing rescusitation following medical misadventure..
I took over responsibility and yes we tried to delay, to stimulate, to encourage, but all totally useless. It was horrible sticking her into a dementia wing but when one can only walk one way and that is several miles away from a normal rest home and not turn around.. then it was time. I did not feel guilt I felt horribly sorry for her. She finally escaped the grips of a dominating husband, to step right up to the domination of dementia she was in her late 80s at that stage.
Al-anon?
Is your MIL a current or recovering alcoholic?
The only person you have any control over in this situation is yourself. You might try visiting boundaries dot com (yes, there is such a website) because it will help you know how to deal with a thoroughly dysfunctional situation that you do not have the power to "fix." It doesn't mean you don't love all the parties involved, but it is not in your power to make everyone happy. The husband and his sons need to do the heavy lifting here. You can pray and be as gracious and loving as possible, but as future DIL, your role is unavoidably "compromised." Anything very proactive that you do here will be remembered with bitterness by people who are important to you.
People who are life-long manipulators often exaggerate their illnesses as a way to control other people.
If she has always been this way, there is not a lot that you can do to change her. It is likely and ingrained aspect of her personality.
Unfortunately, the aforementioned means you're not going to find solutions to satiate her manipulatively narcissistic entitled disordered personality.
Sorry, based on your post it sounds like, everyone's screwed.
Which means that everyone needs to view MIL as an entitled petulant, child, and thus, STOP enabling MIL's deplorable behaviors, including the cessation of smuggling Benadryl and ice cream into your MIL's realm; the manner in which it's described makes the situation sound similar to bringing an alcoholic bottles of beer while that addict is inside a rehabilitation facility.
All in all, it might be best to STOP catering to her demands and to start talking about nursing home options.
MIL marriage sounds miserable, at least one person in that marriage has been entrapped inside a bad marriage since day one.
Yeeks, are you really going to legally contract yourself into that situation?
Minimally starting as soon as possible, research nursing homes, to at least appear as if she is getting placed into a facility.
I'm thinking you'll find some further insight by reading more about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.