Mother is wearing me down with criticism and negativity. Any advice?

Oh my Gosh, I can empathize with you!! I call my mother "Debbie Downer", after the Saturday Night Live character. Nothing is ever done right, she is never satisfied with anything, things don't get done fast enough, she doesn't like the color of my hair, she thinks I don't eat the right foods, etc., etc., etc. My mother complains CONSTANTLY, worries about things that have not happened & won't happen so she can have something complain about!! It is pathological, and she has always been like that. My mother has no hobbies---all she does is sit in the living room, watch the news & Wheel of Fortune, looks out the big window in the living room at what all the neighbors are doing & criticized them for everything they do.............it is pitiful & depressing. I vowed that I would NEVER become like her. Complaining constantly, talking about depressing subjects like who is sick or broke their hip or the bad things in the news is her life. She NEVER talks about anything positive or uplifting.

Unfortunately, as I have learned, there is nothing I can do. I got to the point many, many years ago where I realized that it has NOTHING to do with me & EVERYTHING to do with her. Now, when she says something like "I don't like your hair color----I liked your old hair color better" or "I don't like what you're wearing---it doesn't look right", my response to her is "You don't have to like it. I like it & that's all that matters." And, that is the mantra I live by---SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO LIKE IT!! There have been times when she's said things like "You have too much blush on!!" and "You have too much eye makeup on" (she is a fan of the "natural look"---pale skin, no eye makeup, nothing). My response to those comments are usually things like "That's a shame that you don't like it", or "I like it", or "That's terrible" or "Thank you." In the past, she has even gone to the point where she says "You look like a hooker with your eyeliner" (mind you, I don't wear a big thick line of black eyeliner around my eyes---my eye makeup is very well done & not excessive at all). She is EXTREMELY critical of me, and always has been. Perhaps I've gotten to the point where I don't really care about what she says, LOL! That, quite honestly, is a very freeing thing. When you're happy with who & what you are, and you don't care about what others think of your hair or makeup or the food you eat or your shoes, you are in a good place.

It is very sad that they can't find something positive to talk about, to make them happy instead of miserable all the time. With my mother, I think the main problem is that she has no hobbies, nothing to occupy her mind & so she sits there & she is always thinking about things. She works herself up about things that haven't even happened. But, at 86 years old, I am not going to change her at this point. She did go on an antidepressant medication about 7 years ago, & it did help her. She is very sensitive to medications, so increasing the dosage is not an option now. Maybe your mother could try a different antidepressant---they work differently, and if one makes her feel "funny", that doesn't mean that they will all make her feel funny. The thing is, I have noticed that people like this don't want to take an antidepressant because they enjoy being the way they are, & they don't think anything is wrong with them----they think the problem is with everyone else. Remember, they enjoy criticizing & many people enjoy complaining.

It is a choice to be negative. It sucks to be depressed, and many elderly people don't want to do anything to help themselves. I know that my mother actually enjoys the pity she generates by complaining-----but, now the entire family & all of her friends have greatly decreased the sympathy they give to her because they're tired of hearing the same things repeatedly. They quickly get off the phone instead of being a participant at the "pity party".

I was able to cope with my mother's complaints & criticisms when I finally realized that it was her, not me. I let the complaints & criticisms roll right off my back, like water on a duck. I refuse to let her negativity bring me down----and I've told her that. I have told her to her face that people don't like being around others who are constantly negative & complaining all the time. But, she doesn't get it.

As far as your mother complaining about the fact that you're not married & have no kids, you should let her know that complaining about those things isn't going to change anything. You might also tell her that if you had kids they wouldn't want to be around her anyway because she's so negative. If you moved away because of a job or other life circumstance, that's how it is. You should ask her for specifics when she says that you do more for other people than you do for her---and ask her what she would like you to do for her. My mother pulls that crap too----and she lives with me!!!

The thing I always try to remember is that I will not allow my mother's negativity to rub off on me & make me miserable & depressed & like her. When my mother starts on a run of complaining about everything, I put distance between us---I sit in another room, go outside, find something to do or grab my car keys to do some grocery shopping. My mother is very particular, very demanding, & very impatient. Those problems are not my problems, they're her problems. If she is not willing to "own" them, I can't do it for her, nor will I change for her. I am a patient person, very tolerant & accepting. My mother is a very nervous person with a lot of anxiety all the time. I cannot change that. She says "I am a nervous person & I always have been", but she is not willing to do anything about it or try to change it. I have realized those are the problems & I am not the problem. So, I just let her bitch & complain all she wants---it has no effect on me. I often think that when she complains, it's just because she wants to complain about something just for the sake of complaining!

This was a huge problem when I was taking care of mom for 12 years, 24/7. Even in the middle of the night she would fight me. Usually I said things like "Yup" or "Sounds good", anything to stop the criticism. One day something changed, when she wheeled her chair into my room and wanted to know about the computer, I showed her all of our family online, all the pictures and posts saying what everyone was doing. She loved it. Then we started talking. She told me a story... and I am adding it below:
**************************************************
.... It is hard sometimes, and I feel drained at the effort. Sometimes she will say something mean or that something I did wasn't good enough, and I turn around and gently tell her how it sounds to me. Then she says it in a better way and tells me how much she loves me. Then there was the morning when she told me about a little dog she had when she was little, and how it ran away... tears streamed down her face as she related her story... the pain she had as a little girl. Finally her mother told her that the dog had been killed by a car. I could not help but hug her and feel what she was feeling, and I cried along with her. This is forgiveness... the kind of peace it gives me is beyond words... and I am whole again."

I agree with the majority of responses. My mother is never been happy about something, and I'm now the one, from afar, who takes care of her needs as best I can. Because of her negativity and comments in general, I'm about the only one who will put up with her. I have come to the realization that she has depression, ADHD, etc. but she is someone who will not consider medications, therapy, or anything because she's convinced she's right about everything and no one can change her mind. So be it. A long time ago (30+ years), after I'd moved out and away from home, I came to visit and she commented that she didn't like my eye makeup. I looked at her and said "you don't have to". It was liberating as it was the first time I had the guts/nerve to, in a way, stand up to her but without an argument. I'd been reading a lot of the self-help type of books at the time ("I'm OK You're OK" sort of books). I also know that there are behavioral changes for some as they age, particularly as they get into their 80s and 90s. My grandmother was 95 when she passed and her comments and behavior the last 10-15 years were contrary to how she lived most of her life. It's hard to handle sometimes. For some, their pride is a huge deal and they lash out and say or do things as a result that are hurtful to those who care the most about them. I think they feel comfortable taking it out on family they know. One can drive off or get rid of friends, but family is usually there to stay regardless of one's comments or behavior. As recommended by others, I'd either change the subject, say goodbye and then hang up, or tell her she doesn't have to like something when she makes comments (depending on the situation). I also take solace, when I read posts on this site, in knowing that I am not alone; it is not just me that has to deal with these kind of issues and that there is help and support.

I try to make a joke of it before she can get on a role by saying.... Sorry mom, complaint department is closed today, they open at 8:00 AM tomorrow. Then as her mind tries to wrap around that statement, I leave the room and come back later. But it is still VERY hard to deal with.

And even if she sees the bracelet, nothing wrong in telling her it's to remind you that her negative comments will NOT effect you. She does need to know how you feel even if just to get the cards on the table. She's not insane, she's just stuck.

I don't have time to keep reading all these great answers, but for a quickie... as well as setting boundaries that are enforceable (which many not be many).... how about make yourself a bracelet that you where when you go see her that says very visibly on it... something that will encourage you to not take her remarks personally. Like maybe "IT'S NOT ABOUT "KITKATGIRL" or your true name. That way, AS you deal with her, it will remind you to be compassionate. It is so easy to forget on the moment that her depression is speaking, and not so much her self. She is miserable... how to make her happier is a worthy goal...?

A little off-topic, but I am reminded of Tony Soprano's mother Livia in season one, when she moved to an ALF after confusing brake and gas pedals. Everything he brought her, she scoffed at. Constant complaining. (Of course, he was in therapy!!!) Stiff upper lip, I'm a duck, this rolls off my back, "You're entitled to your opinion, mom."

They also lose ALL their filters, and can't tell whether they have thought something or said something. Just know you're not alone and look for the humor in every situation.

I give everyone a lot of credit here for doing their best. It's different for each of us. Having an opportunity like this forum has certainly helped me over the years, because even though I have supportive friends and family, they don't really understand what it's like if they are not caring for a person like this, especially when he/she has been like this throughout life. Hugs and best wishes to everyone!

My MIL pulls this with me. BUT she has been this way since about 3 years after I married into the family. I put up with it for ages--and would cry the whole drive home after EVERY visit, as the mean things she said to me were always "on the sly" meaning, nobody else heard her. My hubby never believed me, thinking his mom couldn't possibly be so cruel. She didn't/doesn't have dementia, she's just kind of mean. One day, several years ago during my hubby's tx for cancer (no walk in the park for either of us) she called me right as I walked in the door from work. Just laid it all out, how much she hated me, thought I was a lousy wife and mother..the whole nine yards. I just stood there, dumbfounded and wounded to the core. I told her I was sorry she felt that way and hung up on her. Hubby didn't believe me, but I stopped going with him to visit her, I made sure we were/are never alone together and kept the boundaries tight. She doesn't have to right to talk to me that way. She can be a negative, nasty person and I do not have to deal with her. Recently, hubby had a bad run in with her and he has started to see the light. Only took him 39 years to see what I have had to deal with. I am pleasant to her, remember her birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day, but I will be fine if I never see her again. Then again, it's HIS mother, not mine. I DON'T have to deal with her. My own mom has been this way to a couple of the sisters in law and they don't deal with her...MIL didn't just wear me down, she wore me out. I don't expect to ever have a relationship with her. I truly admire people who can keep on in negative, critical relationships.

I know this sort of thing is difficult from my own experience with my mother. She is the same way. I tried to be kind, tried to just ignore it, etc. The reality of the situation for me was that even though you try to let those comments role off of you - they creep in later. You look in the mirror and see yourself - thinking that maybe she is right! Maybe - just maybe - what she says is true. In the end your self worth and sanity is just as important, if not more so, than constantly listening to the put downs and innuendos. What worked for me was to tell her if she couldn't stop complaining and putting me down - I was no longer going to call or visit. I am happy to manage your care and pay your bills from afar but I will no longer be here to listen to your complaints about my life. I am much happier - my husband is much happier - even my grown children are much happier since I did this. Not by any means is this an easy decision to make or to carry out. However, it worked for me. Also, see a counselor that specializes and deals with caregivers and understands what it is like to care for your loved ones. Best wishes on your Journey kitkatgirl! Hugs.

Oops...GET OFF THE PHONE...tell her that you won't listen anymore! When you are at her house...tell her you are not listening to the criticism...and LEAVE. This will work after a while...I had to take these actions with my father...and I take care of him and my mother. I would completely ignore him and walk away for as long as I needed! take care...don't take it!

Unfortunately for you...she's miserable and won't help herself...so of course she lashed out at you because you take it!! Set your boundaries...GET OFF

Depression coupled with aging is no joke. My mom (89) is healthy and independent but does have some memory loss. As an only child with no children, most of her support comes from me. Needless to say, I do very little right. What I've discovered in the three years we've lived together (my choice) is that setting boundaries with her and myself about our quality of life together is the only way. So much has changed in both our lives; most good, some awful, all consistently different. Each day brings a new set of behaviors that challenge my patience and her will (she likes to argue). Humor is the most effective weapon. Remembering all her anger, frustration, depression and fear are not about you. Remembering your anger, frustration, and fear are about you and your fears of aging. Responding and not reacting to difficult moments helps me maintain my energies to live in this shared space. Finally, living in a space of self love makes everything else possible. She makes me nuts, but I love her and only have one and when she is gone, I know I will have done everything I could to make our time together, good. Get help when you need it. Find support groups if you don't have good friends who will listen when you just need to vent, find her support groups or home care that will give her something to do. Work with her to make her life happen. Work with you to make your own life not get lost in the process.

Well, I read the question and all of the answers. As for Depression, my partner's depression is worse than ever and continues to be controlled with medication. In the beginning he took one pill and in order to find balance, another pill was added. If he did not take these anti Depressants, I could not be caring for him 24/7. I have the advantage of a long term relationship between my partner and his doctor.

I have a question. Does your mother have a regular Physician? What is her trust level with the physician? It might be good for you to sit in a doctor's visit and voice your concerns. If she does not have a regular physician, then the trust level is removed and you have nowhere to turn but walk away every time she starts her rants. It sounds like she is living alone. No one can live with constant complaining.

I wish you well in finding a solution to your problem. I guess you should thank you lucky stars you are not living with her and going crazy with trying to help her. This is not a one sided world. You have your rights and your life...You can walk away.

I feel for you kitkatgirl. And all the great advice that has been given here makes me feel better about my situation. My 91 y/o mother, who has congestive heart failure, diabetes 2, polymyalgia rheumatica, and a few other conditions, insists that she live independently in her own home, but refuses all offers of help. When I speak to her all she does is complain, complain, complain, complain; my guess is that she’s in pain and extremely frustrated with her end-of-life existential dilemma. She’s in the hospital right now with cellulitis; it’s the 3rd time in the last two years. She actually called 911 herself when she started feeling ill and had them bring her to the hospital, which I thought showed that she is somewhat able to still live independently. Anyway, I called her yesterday morning and she was sobbing into the phone and kept repeating that “something strange was going on” in the hospital and the doctors and nurses weren’t paying attention to her because "they don’t care about old ladies". My mother has a lot of personality disorders, narcissism being the most obvious one, and she fights with and alienates everyone that tries to help her. I’ve given up, and when I am in her presence I put up my virtual self-protection shield. Do whatever is necessary to protect yourself from your mother’s behavior. You know what’s best for you.

It comes down to one basic question you & only you can answer.
Do you wish to be right or happy?

Once you make that choice, the rest will follow.
Vacillating back & forth is the mind's way of choosing fear.

I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult situation. I am responding to you as one who can fully empathize! My mom is now 84 years old, but for my entire life has responded with the same behavior as your mom...and still does. I cannot tell you of the tears shed over the years in trying to cope with mom's abusive words and negative attitude which has always been her typical personality. We lost our dad to congestive heart failure this January and then had to make a decision to get mom medical help. Her personality was always controlling and negative towards others and manipulative. We would definitely see signs of depression also. It is normal for her to complain and to be unhappy. We could never do anything good enough or that would please her. My dad was the opposite in personality and always dealt kindly and lovingly toward her. He was the stability in our lives. My sisters and I grew up always with loving, respectful, obedient behavior with both of our parents and today even after all that mom has said and done...we will always love and respect her as our mother.

We always knew that mom had some type of mental problems, although she was never diagnosed and in addition, she began showing signs of dementia 8 years ago. After dad's death, we took mom, against her will, to a doctor, to be evaluated. She was diagnosed with bi-polar, compulsive disorder and also with Lewy Body Dementia. She had gotten to the point before we took her to the doctor, that she was now a harm to herself and others. Mom is now in a wonderful memory care facility close to me and my sisters. We visit often. Mom's personality has not changed! She still tries to be in control and manipulative. The visits are very difficult on us. I have given you all of this background information so that I can tell you how we have learned to respond and get through dealing with her personality. We have sought counseling for ourselves in order to understand her illness and how to cope with the situation. I have to disassociate myself as "her daughter" and connect with her as someone who is there to help. Her negative comments and hurtful words do not effect me in the same way because I now see her as not being in control of how her brain and heart/emotions are working. I have been told that her personality may never change. As an older adult, I have tried over the years to approach my responses to her in many different ways. She would never think that how she talked to us or treated us was wrong in any way and that she was in control and she demanded that everything was done her way. My sisters and I were in my parent's home for 3 months, 24/7 caring for my dad before he died. My mom at that point could not take care of him, but in her mind she was still in control of "her home" and did not understand why we needed to help. Although caring for dad was the joy of our lives and was such a sweet time to be with him, mom physically and verbally "fought" us at every turn. We did what we had to do to help dad and then got mom the help that she needed. Over the years, mom always refused to go to the doctor when my dad would suggest it. Mom never learned to drive, so when I took her to her yearly doctor's appointment 8 years ago, I met with her doctor alone while she was in the examining room. I explained her symptoms and sought his help. The doctor prescribed a medication, but she only took it once and refused to ever take any medication other than her vitamins, because "they made her feel strange". She always responded with "there is nothing wrong with me I am just fine!" Now we look beyond her illness and find ways to help her be calm. We never disagree with her. (Disagreeing adds fuel to the fire.) If she says that "the sky is purple", then we respond with "wow, isn't that something!." If we cannot disagree, then we do not respond at all. We try to always distract a negative comment with a wonderful compliment on the way she is dressed or how wonderful her hairstyle looks. She loves to be complimented! Right now, with her dementia, it is easier to distract her from negative reactions by asking her to talk about her parents or a story that she remembers about her childhood. This usually makes about 5 minutes of a peaceful visit. She may come back with comments such as "you are treating me awful, or you don't love me, you never did." We always try to hug her, kiss her on the cheek and remind her that we do love her and always will and of course in our hearts we will because she is our mother. I am so thankful for my sisters and that we have been each other's support through this life's challenge with my mom. Having some support of any kind can be a huge help for you. It helps to be able to talk it out with someone. I think from your comments that you already know that your mom's situation has nothing to do with anything that you have been responsible for. It is an illness that you are responding to. These difficult situations are what I call "character building" and will leave you with an empathetic heart towards others that you can encourage along the way. You will be in my prayers. :)

Detach with love. Detach with love. Detach with love.

But DETACH!

I totally understand the situation! My mom would always comment about my hair and weight when I'd make the 1100-mile trio to visit. I would take the, "Ah, I'm sorry you don't like it, but this is as good as it gets." She would stop. I ended up moving both my parents to am AL in my little town so we could be close. As my momma's vascular dementia progressed, she took a total turn and keep telling me how pretty and attractive i was...even pulling in caregivers to confirm her observation. (Please note, I'm in my late 50s and no beauty queen!) I do believe whatever our elderly loved ones say is a reflection of how they're feeling, not what they're seeing.

Consider presenting your feelings to her. My mom didn't know her behavior was hurtful to me. We are now friends and discuss things instead of creating resentful relationships. Communication and love. We can all get locked into the guilt but we also have to take care of ourselves. We are not responsible for other peoples feelings. We can only try to communicate and work on our reactions. Hang in there it's a learning process.

When you accept the situation that your mum is depressed and can't change, you will start finding strategies to deal with it in yourself. You will start seeing the situation in a different light. Probably pick a time of day to visit mum when she is relaxed, like after lunch when she has a nap in the afternoon or early evening. In those quiet times tell her all the positive things, something to make her smile and the truth that her criticism wears you down and you want your meetings to be happy times. Some days are good and some challenging, but with time, it will change. Say a prayer before you talk to her or before you visit her and ask God to help your talk to be peaceful.

Just as you know it's impossible to please your mother, so it is also impossible for her constant, universal discontent not to get you down. Use any and all strategies that lighten the moment for you, but most of all remember and comfort yourself that it is Her and Not You. Tolerating this is part of loving her, which is not always fun. As you know.

To add to the collection already amassed (!) -

My mother, when wearying of complaints or bad news or hand-wringing, would chip in "… and the goal is but the grave!" with a deep theatrical sigh at the end. It's a quotation from one of the more morbid Victorian poets, I think - must look it up some time.

Say "I know what you need!" and offer to get her the complete Radiohead collection.

Do a Trotsky vs. Stalin and repeat each complaint with rising intonation e.g. "that hairstyle is terrible" "this hairstyle is terrible?" The original goes "I was wrong. You were right. I should apologise." Which becomes "I was wrong? You were right? I should ***apologise***???"

When they know they have just annoyed me, my children give me a cheeky peek and say "I love you Mummy :)" Now of course I am always reasonable and my complaints are invariably valid, but even so… This might be useful as an occasional tonic for your mother's spirits, you never know.

Try not to get annoyed with her. I used to get irritated to the point of arguing with my mother about her negativity, and my God what a waste of breath and temper that was. Plus it just gives me one more thing to regret. So try not to do that.

Wonderful advice here. It's not about you having shortcomings and thankfully you know that. Understandably this is wearing you down. But depression is an ugly beast and as was noted, antidepressants don't work for a lot of people and can be negative for many. Your mother has been through the loss of her life partner and her pain likely makes her feel helpless and hopeless. She only recover from either. The only control she has is to complain.

You need to set boundaries for yourself about how much you'll be exposed to this. But Bob, the ever wise Jeannegibbs and all of the others had it right. "Agreeing" with her, just being kind but not responding to her negativity - that sort of response will likely be less wearing in the long run than fighting against it.

Keep reaching out for support. Many here have similar situations to cope with.
We're with you,
Carol

Sounds like she needs to see a grief counsellor. As for what you can do great suggestions from above posters - I use the hard axe approach and it might not work well for Mum but it keeps me sane.

Im not sure whether your Mum has dementia - if so it will in all likelihood get worse as the disease progresses so be prepared on that one.

Stay strong and confident. When she starts say mum I have rung you to have a pleasant chat not to hear you berate me so I am going to hang up now and I will ring again tomorrow . Hang up and then as Old Bob says. You have to protect yourself and negativity is incredibly draining

Several things... Depression is an ugly beast... especially since losing a child, followed by a long time spouse can often be difficult for her (or anyone) to deal with.
Antidepressants are not the answer, as they have been proven time and time again to be ineffective... and yes.... they DO make her feel funny. Believe it or not, FISH OIL has been proven to be far more effective in dealing with depression than prescription anti-depressants.
Your mother is lonely, and seems like she does not have a large circle of friends to support her.
I took care of both parents for over a decade, and I my dad could often be critical as you describe. Just remember, it it not about you at all, and often when they lash out, it is because they are afraid of their own mortality, and their own disappointments with themselves.
For you... just do the best you can do, and simply be mindful that she is probably struggling in her own way to deal with things. I also wish you the best, and keep your courage and simply love her where she's at.

When my mother would criticize how I looked, what I was wearing, etc., I would tell her 'you are entitled to your opinion and I am entitled to mine." When my dad complains about my car, I point out to him that instead of being taken every where he needs to go in it, he could go on the transportation that his AL facility provides. Sometimes the criticism is more reflective of their unhappiness with where they find themselves in life and not really about you. I don't let it rain on my parade.

This sounds much like my own mother. No matter what I do, it's never enough, and the complaining is a constant. My advice is to stick to your boundaries, and find things to say that you are comfortable with. I tend to either change the subject or respond as though I hear what she says, such as "that's a good idea," if she tells me how to dress, eat, etc. (then do what I want). I know that I cannot argue with her, since she tends to be a narcissist and believes she is always right, therefore being a "right fighter" who will keep trying to make her point if I don't acknowledge it. It has helped that I can meet with her doctor privately whenever she has a medical issue or her behavior gets out of hand. She doesn't know it, so she listens to what he recommends. Putting her on Xanax greatly improved her sleeping and attitude. She took it first for sleeping, but it definitely improved her overall attitude in general. Now that she is 88, some senile dementia is coming into play and affecting her anxiety level, so a visit to the doctor was needed. She has increased the taking of Xanax to during the day, but it's too soon to see a difference, so the complaining goes on. As for yourself, there are times when the constant complaining drains the recipient, and then you need time to decompress to get through it. No one can hear such negativity without feeling affected by it. I try stress reducers that work for me, such as praying, walking, and having a supportive family and friends who buoy me up. I wish you the best.

I think you need to do a better job of setting healthy boundaries as far as what she says to you goes.

Or just ignore her. Change the subject. Hear your doorbell ringing. Smell something burning in the kitchen. Gottoa go Mom. Love you. Goodbye.

Or kill her with kindness. Poor lady. The combination of depression and chronic pain is truly pitiful. Hug her. Tell her how sorry you are that she isn't well. Tell her what a great job she did in raising you to live independently and follow your own path. Thank her for that. Bring her little gifts. Of course they will be the wrong color or the wrong size or too glitzy or too plain, so be sure they are things you can take home. "Oh, I'm so sorry that this African Violet will be too much trouble for you to take care of. I didn't think of that. I'll just take it back home so you don't have to bother with it. Shall we go out shopping and pick out something for you together?" Between visits send cheery thinking-of-you cards.

Or Distract her. Change the subject. "I really miss Dad. I know it is even worse for you. What is your all-time favorite memory of him?" "What was your own mother like when she was your age?" "Sometimes I think of Sis and smile. Remember the time she ..." "You don't like my car? Well, I think it suits me. What was the first car you and Daddy owned? Did you help pick it out?" "What were you doing for fun when you were my age?"

Her constant complaints are her problem. Don't let them become your problem. You seem to have a very sensible attitude, and I suspect you cope better than average. Every time you visit, plan a little reward for yourself when you get home!

I understand it's very challenging. My Mother in law also does the same. She lives with us. Day in and day out she gives be constant negative feedback as to the dishes I prepare for her and even water being salty. Its not her but her dementia that's doing the rounds. I say to myself time and again her behavior is not her but dementia in action, and that gives me some solace to keep moving forward with positivity.

Suggest you consider saying, "Mom, you may be right." Then smile. She won't quit but if you keep saying that or variations of it, she may at least slow down.

You may want to try telling her about your own gratitude list of just the nice things in your life: live in a free country, have enough money to live on,
the beautiful sunshine on many days, rain enough most of the time to nourish the plants, a decent car to drive, and so on...Perhaps she might list some good things in her life.

Another "trick" is to try to counter each complaint with, "Oh, mom, I never noticed that nice knick knack on the side table before...It is so pretty."

HardAxx dept: "Mom, when you say things like that it makes me feel bad.
You have complained about a dozen things in the past two minutes....I want you to know that I am going to hang up now. I am not willing to listen to your complaints any longer today." Then say goodbye, do not wait for a response and hang up...Do not answer if she calls back. Tough to do, I know.

You have a difficult assignment. Bottom line as I see it: Mom, won't change, but you can draw a line and if you decide to, you can stick to it.

"Bless them, change me" is a good prayer.

Grace + Peace,

Bob